It’s A Little To Much

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Anyone who suffers from trichotillomania will get this and understand where I am coming from. When you have hair everyday can be a struggle as well a milestone when you don’t pull any hair out. My hair has not been as long as it is now in many many years maybe 2006. Iv tried to grow it out since then and get to a length then pull then shave then work on growing it back out to fill those spots in. And repeat the cycle all over again in most cases. For a while I just kept shaving my head and gave up on trying to grow my hair out even though all the spots had grown in. I kept it buzzed fear of ripping it out if it became long. So I would just wear pretty realistic wigs but felt like a fake when I went to bed and had to remove my hair for the night.

My biggest challenge as of right now is not pulling hair out of my head. It has not been this long in years. The grey hairs that I have bother me immensely as well the texture in some areas of my head. In total since growing my hair out I have maybe pulled 10 hairs in the course of a few months. Not including the hair that washes off my head in the shower. I am however trying my 100% not to pull and will throw on my turban before I have an urge or while I have an urge.

Also the feeling of when you pull feels good and so I am trying very hard not to do any real damage. I don’t think I have ever tried this hard not to pull in my life of pulling. I’m also not giving in and letting it take over my body functions IE my fingers. And I’m snapping my self out of that trance you go through when my fingers go to my hair. My goal is to have long flowy gorgeous hair by next summer for my family reunion. And for the rest of my life. Sure I could get the same effect with a wig but it would not be the same by any means. And so I have to just not let trich take over. I refuse to let it win and I refuse to let it destroy my hair and my scalp.

Typically in the past when I would even pull one hair or two it would lead to more like handfuls of hair. There would be so much on the floor that it would be horrific to then look in the mirror and see the damage that I inflicted on to my self. The guilt and shame that would then wash over me it’s so self-esteem killing for people who don’t get it or understand its one of the worst feelings in the world to feel that nobody else but you alone did this to your self and yet there is no cure for this fucked up disorder.

Also the only way I knew to stop my self then was to take some clippers and buzz off the remaining hair that was left on my head. The times where I would grow it back in the spots would fill in and Id try to grow my hair again to have to turn around and shave it bald was something I was used too. I was able to grow my hair long twice but the longest was back in 2005 to 2006 before having a very bad spell and having to shave it again. Most of my trich was just the hair on my head but there have been times in the past where I plucked all my eyebrow hairs as well pulled my eyelashes all out. The eye brows was not that hard to camouflage because I just drew them on with brow pencil but my eyelashes took way to long to grow back out and to hide that I was using eye liner.

It was easy to pluck the eyelashes because after wearing mascara instead of washing it off id just pull on them. I only did that a few times then made sure to wash it off whenever I wore the mascara. But my main problem has always been the hair on my scalp. That has been my biggest battle but I’m hoping with my behaviour modification that I am doing will be something that will be the best way to keep the hair on my head in place and to deter me from pulling for a long time to come. As I write this I am once again wearing my turban cap. I should really pick up a few more because for me it really does the trick to stop me from pulling from wanting to pull and it makes the feeling or thinking disappear.

I also don’t see the grey bits or think of the texture or anything when I’m wearing my turban cap. Also if I’m wearing a wig I also don’t think of my bio hair at all. Maybe because its covered up. Maybe that’s it like a trick to my brain almost if its covered up I don’t see it or feel it and so I don’t think of it at all. So then it’s not a worry or a bother. So ya I guess in a way I could just throw it on my head as soon as I wake up. The great thing is just to add is that the feeling is gone after about 5 minutes or so after wearing the turban cap. But I leave it on my head even after the feeling goes away. I don’t want to risk having a feeling come back. Of course when I’m out in public I go without it.

I hope anyone who is reading it knows there are other methods than just shaving your head and that it will get better. I was on medication for depression a few years ago and was told it would help with trich but it never worked and this at the moment is the only method that is currently working for me. There are options and please try out the ones that are out there I’m sure something will work for you. This battle almost is always a battle but if you try a method and it works stick to it. So far this is the only one working for me. I’m out of other options at this rate.

Over & Out

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2 thoughts on “It’s A Little To Much

  1. Good luck to you Lana!! It’s weird you mention the eyelashes, I used to pull my eyelashes out all the time when I was in high school. I just stopped eventually and it never became a life-long habit, but I remember people used to always tease me about having no eyelashes back then.

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