How are your dating lives? Any single transgender women out there? Not too many, eh? Well, I’ll attest to that being the reason I keep running into the same type of guy. He’s Mr. Uninformed, Mr. Inexperienced, and he has a million questions, none of which have anything to do with who you are, but “what” you are. And it’s not that these men don’t mean well, it’s just that they’re hurting their chances by remaining ignorant to a person that they’re clearly attracted to.
So, if you’re attracted to transgender women, here are a few choice rules in dating one. Please pay attention — I speak only the truth.
1. DO NOT REFER TO US AS “TRANNIES.”
It will not end well for you. This is an offensive slang that is used in the LGBT community, sometimes jokingly, but NEVER in civilized conversation. It’s rude.
2. DO TREAT US WITH THE RESPECT YOU WOULD GIVE ANY CISGENDER GIRL.
Many times, I’ve chatted with men in bars who were beyond sweet to me — opening doors and asking my interests — only to have the script flip when I reveal that I’m trans. The questions change from, “What’s your favorite place you’ve ever been?” to “So, what are you into, like, in bed?” It’s beyond frustrating, humiliating and degrading. We are worth a real connection and real love. If that’s not something that you want, then leave the nice young lady alone.
3. MOST OF US ARE NOT GENDER STUDIES PROFESSORS.
Do NOT ask us about trans issues, what it’s like to live a day in our shoes or what our stance is on the treatment of trans women the world over. It has nothing to do with who we are. If the girl in question is a software engineer, you should probably ask her about that. If she’s a painter, she’ll be better at that. Buy a few books on us if that’s your thing, educate yourself — the information is out there. Take a gender studies course if you want the skinny on all things trans; we are not teachers. Unless, of course, your girl is a gender studies teacher, then go right on ahead.
4. DO ASK US ABOUT OUR FAMILY LIFE.
Some girls will not have a supportive family, but will hope to create a loving family one day and want to talk about that. Others may have a very liberal background and be excited to share stories about her people with you. It’s a touchy subject sometimes, but at least the topic is genuine, it has nothing to do with sex or gender. These are the questions that will actually help you get to know someone at their core, and it shows that you are actually interested.
5. DO NOT ASK ABOUT OUR SURGERIES.
Our body is none of your business, and vise versa. I’m not going to ask you about the pins that you had to put in your knee from that basketball injury you had in college, so you are NOT to ask me if my boobs are hormone grown or implants. Plain and simple.
6. DO ASK ABOUT OUR HOBBIES, THAT SPECIAL QUIRK THAT MAKES OUR SOUL HAPPY.
I love to bar hop with my friends, chill outdoors, brunch all day and decorate my house. I could talk about those things for days! It’s another comfortable none gender-related topic that gets you more in tune with a person.
7. DO NOT ASK WHAT OUR OLD/REAL NAME USED TO BE.
This shouldn’t need an explanation, but hell, somebody has to say it. It’s completely inappropriate. None of your business. And why do you want to know? Do you even remember my last name? Why do you feel entitled to know my LAST last name? Rude.
8. DO ASK WHAT OUR GOALS FOR THE FUTURE ARE.
Many girls have big dreams and will stop at nothing to achieve them. Some will go on from being registered nurses to medical doctors, others from sales associates to store managers at Gucci. These are the things we want to discuss, it’s on keel with who we are in real life.
9. DO NOT COMPLIMENT US ON HOW “PASSABLE” OR “FEMININE” WE ARE.
It is NOT a compliment. We are not trying to fool anybody or be anything that we feel we are not. This is who we are. Yes, it took a bit more work, but it’s an effort we made for ourselves, not some strange man’s approval.
10. DO COMPLIMENT OUR GENERAL APPEARANCE.
“You look absolutely beautiful in that dress” is perfectly suffice as far as compliments go. “You have amazing hair” never hurt anybody either.
11. DO NOT ASK IF WE’VE EVER BEEN SEX WORKERS.
Again, NONE of your business. How many girls did you sleep with for free while you were in that fraternity in college? Does that make you better because this girl may have been paid for it? You don’t know her life or how hard it is being trans and getting a regular job, so just don’t even go there. Also, not all of us have gone down that route. I myself went straight to college out of high school and had financial support from my parents before I finally got a real job. Yet I still get that question every now and again. It’s fucked up, rude, offensive and complete stereotyping.
12. DO NOT FETISHIZE HER.
If you love trans girls because you saw some wild shit in a “trannie porn” you loved, you’ve more than likely got the wrong girl. Studies have shown that no two people “get off” the same exact way, no matter what your sexual orientation or gender. So if you want the porno experience, I suggest you take the legal and health risks of hiring an actual hooker. They do anything you like, NOT us, you are mistaken.
13. AND LASTLY (UNTIL I CAN THINK OF ANY MORE POINTS), I NEED YOU GUYS TO REALLY DIG DEEP.
You need to think to yourself, “Would I ask a cisgender woman this question?” If the answer is “No,” then Just. DON’T. Do. It. Don’t go there. Don’t be that asshole. We hate that guy. That guy gets absolutely nowhere and ends up buying the bar to make it worth my while for tolerating his constant faux pas. We are just as respectable, acceptable and lovable as any other girl on the planet. Treat us with the respect we deserve, and you will have yourself a wonderful person with an amazing story to share yourself with.
Good luck out there, singles!
Arisce Wanzer is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.