Last night I was at a BBQ and we were talking about weight loss and I was telling them how I lost the weight and my workout routine and how I would calorie count my food and portion control everything. I also want to mention I’ve never eaten so much like I did last night I’m shocked I did not end up puking to be honest because I ate so much. Okay in total I ate some snacks like chips some veg one hamburger on a bun. One hotdog without the bun, two helpings of pasta salad, one piece of apple pie thin crust. And not one not two but four large cupcakes with frosting and a few glasses of white wine.
I guess I was hungry it also did not help that I was sitting at the table with the cupcakes. My inner fat girl was jumping for joy at those damn cupcakes. But while I was telling them about my weight loss after dinner I shared with them that since losing the weight I’m sorta obsessed with working out, but I’m afraid of gaining weight and getting fat and that I will most likely go home and do an 8 minute workout because of eating four cupcakes. One of the guests said oh it must be nice to have a fast metabolism and I said tho I used to have one, when I got fat it slowed down. I’ve put hard work into losing weight and so I don’t always eat sweet things. And when I don’t workout I feel bad like I literally feel bad about it.
Like here’s the thing I don’t have an eating disorder not by any means and I eat just fine. And I am proud of my hard work and what I have accomplished in getting my body the way it is. Like the dress above in the photo I never thought when I was 238lbs that I would ever be able to wear not in a million years. I’m super proud of my self for losing all my weight but I’m also afraid of getting fat. Maybe someone who’s reading my blog and has done the same path of losing pounds gets what I’m saying. Like when I was skinny I thought oh I’m never going to get fat. I was one of those skinny people who never did a workout except for walking and I did have a fast metabolism and never gained a pound. And I was feeling fabulous I was like I’m never getting fat. But then life happened and depression an food became my best friend and was always there and I got fat.
But then I was tired all the time. I was fat for me. Looked prego, ill-fitting in clothing then got sick of looking in the mirror and decided to change. And now that I’m fit I’m literally afraid of getting fat again. But I do also want to add it’s not that I don’t treat my self because I do. Yesterday for breakfast I had three eggs,bacon like 6 pieces and a toasted bagel with margarine. It’s also been maybe about a year since I had a bagel and boy did it taste good. And my IBS did not go ramped on me for eating the bagel so that was also nice.
I’m pretty sure I’m not losing weight because I’m eating healthy with some cheats in there every so often and I’m active and workout I just don’t ever want to get fat again. Maybe it’s a skinny girl problem or maybe it’s a weight loss feeling that people have when they lose a big amount of weight. The feeling of not wanting to get back to the size that made them feel the most worst about them selves I’m not 100% sure.
I don’t think about it often and I sure as hell don’t eat like that as I did last night. So that’s kind of a rarity in its self. But I thought it was interesting that these feelings came to the surface and so I thought I would share them here with all of you. I feel great about my self but at the same time a small part of me is afraid of going back to the way I was before but I think that is normal and that I am not the only one who feels like that in fact I know I’m not.
Anyways enough about this. I hope everyone is having a good Sunday so far and till my next post be well.
Over & Out