Some Random Thoughts

When I was little I felt that living at home with my family was a safe haven and that nothing bad could ever happen to me. I think that’s why I never really wanted to leave home and that they would be around forever almost like a safety blanket. And at times I never wanted to grow older. Then of course you grow up and eventually you move out some move out early and some don’t till there in there 30’s lol (meaning me).  And when bad things happen you just want the safety blanket to cover you and protect you. But that’s not how life really works and you need to grow up and be an independent human.

I had first moved out in 2005 I wanted some independence. I had moved in with my best friends sister at that time. It was my first time having a roommate and being on my own. There were fun times and then not so great times. Money was extremely tight and it was tough. Living with my best friends sister did not last long and I ended up moving back home with my parents.

Move forward ten years and I move into my own apartment the only difference this time is I’m living by my self well Diva and I. Money is still tight but not as tight as it was but it’s still a little difficult. Though I have food in my fridge, dog food for Miss Diva, rent and a roof over my head, and this coming April of 2016 will be a year I’ve been living on my own. Also I haven’t been friends with my best friend from 2005 in quite a number of years.

There have been some not so great experiences I have gone through and a small part of me wanted to move back with my parents. But the simple fact is one can’t aways run back to their safety blanket sometimes you just need to handle things on your own. The mind is a huge powerful tool and when one has a very wild imagination as well suffers from anxiety an ocd one can freak the fuck out easily.

This year alone has really tested my nervous system. But I still have a full head of hair which is pretty amazing in of its self. I’m in really good shape, I’ve become quite the cook and baker. And have done a ton of walking. I probably do the same amount of walking as I did when I was in my teens and 20s.

This year alone I have really accomplished a lot and I think I have grown as a person. But one thing I seem to let happen time and time again that needs to change is the need and want for a relationship. Ultimately I want a relationship with someone who’s not just looking for friends with benefits or something causal. I have just dated someone just because or as a time filler or date someone just because they show interest. I have to stop doing this and just be single. The past few days I’ve put my foot down. For guys I’m not really into I can offer platonic friendship but nothing else.

Also I don’t believe that you can be successful friends with exs not all the time. Sometimes it can work and other times it can’t and you know what it’s totally okay. The world will not end. I’m proud to say that I am still friends with three of my ex’s. The ones I wanted to be friends with its just not working out and that is totally okay. I’ve also realized that it’s perfectly healthy to miss an ex but at the same time they are an ex for a reason and the two paths were just not meant to be.

I’ve also come to realize I really don’t like having a friends with benefits type relationship. I would much rather have no relationship then someone you just get sex on with and then have them leave and your still by your self and alone. I’d rather be alone then share my body with someone who doesn’t fully deserve it. Ever since I can remember I’ve always wanted to find someone who  I loved whole heartedly and they loved me back the same also who would fight for the relationship and we were both sexually and physically attracted to one another. I wanted this when I was little and I want it now as a grown adult. I wanted it before I transitioned but everyone was sex crazed and since transitioning I find that a lot of people are still very much sex crazed. It’s a very lonely feeling when people just want you for one thing and they don’t want you for anything else.

With that being said I’m putting my foot down when it comes to future dating. My idea of dating and the things I look for in another person are high because I’m sick of settling for what I have settled for in the past or just because. As far as I’m concerned I believe all Human beings want more, they want to be loved yes they also want to be fulfilled and they want a 50/50 relationship. Anywho for 2016 I want more for my self and the only one who can make these things happen is me my self and I and there is also nothing wrong with asking for help when needed be.

I think 2016 will be a fun-filled adventure for me and here’s hoping my love life picks up, as well as a job that I will do good in and really start living life. This year has been a huge learning experience and even tho some parts were not that great it’s all been an amazing learning experience. And I’ve come out of it a stronger person. And I’ve done it all with-out taking crazy medications. I’m still a non smoker, I’m fit and I have all my hair.

Bring on 2016 I’m ready for you

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