What A Crappy Day Yesterday Was

I don’t have days like yesterday happen to often but through out my life I have definitely had them. When I have a low day it’s extremely low so low that I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have these mini breakdowns and I blow my nose a lot and my eyes get red and puffy from crying. One thing most people don’t know about me is that I can be very fragile I know it doesn’t seem that way most of the time because I have a harder exterior and for the most part I’m strong and confident but truth be told I can be quite fragile like an egg. I’m also extremely sensitive.

I was reminded yesterday that even though I came into this world with a ton of hurdles I have also over come many obstacles and have come a long way. But when I’m having a low day I don’t feel that in that moment. As I’m sure everyone else feels the same way. I’m thankful for my parents and friends and this new guy in my life who is understanding Mr American. Who I also broke down with over the phone last night. Which I never do is cry with people on the phone.

I’m sorry if people got worried from my super depressing poem but that’s how I was feeling in that moment. Yesterday was most definitely one of my lowest days. And yet today it’s piss ass pouring outside. I was gonna go to the grocery store but screw that. Unless it lets up I’m not going, thankfully I can get by and go tomorrow if need be. Anywho so there you have it in a nut shell.

Today is much better in how I’m feeling. I had a good talk with Mr American last night and laughed some even. And got a lovely few texts from him this morning that lifted my heart and my soul.

Over & Out

Calling It Quits To All Online Dating!

imageSo a few weeks ago I quit all dating websites and apps but one website and till calling quits to that site yesterday. Though at times some of them were fun and crazy and I had some crazy stories to write about all in all it was tiring annoying and most of all stressful. I don’t know how people enjoy the experience but I sure as hell don’t.

I think the one thing I dislike the most about that whole world is that people don’t typically read the profile and mainly look at your profile photos and then send messages but skip the rest. And the funny thing as well is the same people who fill out their profiles are the ones that skip reading yours.

But anyways I’ve been wanting to close all accounts and or disable the profiles for a while. And take a much-needed extended break from that world. And just focus on my self more. Not that I haven’t been doing that but you know what I mean. My plan is to get somethings in order. I want to go to the movies by my self more. Either find some volunteer work or land a part-time job. Go to more social meetups. I’ve sorta had it with that whole online dating world.

You know sometimes you just need to take a step back and look at your life and where you see your self going. And who you see your self with. And sometimes being by your self doesn’t have to be a bad thing either. I rather enjoy it for the most part.

Over & Out

Sometimes I Hate Being Trans

Sometimes I hate being trans

A lot of the time I hate dating and being trans

I hate having to tell people

I hate having to explain what anatomy I have and don’t have

I hate being judged simply for being my self

Sometimes I hate being trans

….

Sometimes I hate being trans

I hate having a disposition to having depression

I hate having a disposition to anxiety

I hate having learning disabilities

Sometimes I hate being trans

Sometimes I hate being trans

I hate being men’s sexual fantasy

I hate being so self-conscious when out and about that I think people are starring at me because they know.

I hate being used and tossed away like garbage

Sometimes I hate being trans

Sometimes I hate being trans

I hate waking up sometimes to live the next day

I hate looking at the person in the mirror

I hate being me

Sometimes I hate being trans

Sometimes I hate being trans

I hate that I was born this way

I hate that it’s a struggle to be me

I hate that I have so many inner problems

I hate being alone

Sometimes I hate being trans

Sometimes I hate being trans

I hate dating

I hate online dating

I hate how I look sometimes

Sometimes I hate my life

 

Sometimes I hate being trans

by

Lana Poulson

 

Lana’s Very Sinful Banana Muffens

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2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 medium ripe bananas
1 cup chocolate chips

Directions
: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). In a large bowl, stir together all the dry ingredients first. Then add in the wet and chocolate chips. And a little coconut oil for goodness. Spray cooking spray in muffen trays, do not use paper cups.

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30:00 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool in the tray for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely. You can store in a plastic container in fridge for about 7 days or put in freezer for up to 3 months. Enjoy

Fall

The rain is falling from the sky

It’s just you and I

drops of water caressing our skin

 

Thunder crashes up above

lightning strikes

flashes of light

across the summer sky

 

I’m falling into you

your arms hold me tight

your smile lifts me inside

 

I’ve fallen for you

My American Dream

 

A man I desire

someone who understands me

who gets me

who accepts me for me

 

I’m not scared

not even nervously shy

my other half

 

My heart is content

I’m excited for this next chapter

To be your other half, to make a whole

Be still my heart forever more

 

I’m falling

Fall

by

Lana Poulson

 

 

In A Hair Rut

So since I’ve decided to grow out my natural hair color and scrap boxed dye as well any dye for a while I’ve decided to start wearing faux hair daily. I have two new wigs coming to me in colors I am loving and the lengths are pretty much what my hair length is currently. One is for sure about collarbone length it’s a lace-front mono part and the other is just a mono part. Both wigs are in the blonde family with roots and I know people won’t notice much because my current color is blonde with roots. It will just look like I styled it.

I need to learn to either braid my hair flat to my head or clip it and secure it with bobby pins so the wigs stay on without much bulk. I’m not totally sure if I’ll rock wigs in the summer months because I don’t want like heat exhaustion but we shall see. I used to wear wigs when growing out my hair but then when I got it to a length I was happy with, I just stopped wearing wigs all together which is good but I have such nice wigs I really should be rocking them more so then I do.

imageI have my May wig in Butter Pecan R that I’m going to start wearing and till my other blonde shaded wigs come in. May is straight and the other wigs have more of a wave in them and or curl so I’ll switch it up depending on the style I’m going for. Also by rocking wigs again I don’t have to use any type of heat on my hair either. I’m on this kick of getting my hair to the healthiest I can possibly get it with little damage.

So that’s the latest in my quest to amazing healthy hair. And getting out of a hair rut by rocking wigs again.

Saying Goodbye To Boxed Dye!

imageI’ve decided to call it quits with boxed dye. I want to have the healthiest hair possible and dying it blonde is not going to give me that. Even though my new stylist said my hair is in great condition given the fact of what it’s been through. I honestly hate having to dye it. And I think what really stood out to me when my stylist was trimming my hair and would hold different sections out and you could clearly see the levels of different coloured parts it made me cringe inside just a little but just enough that it made me regret using boxed hair dye.

I do love being blonde but the truth is its too much upkeep and the reality is I’m a brunette with glitter bits mixed in. I know there are shampoos and what not to enhance brown hair naturally that don’t damage the hair. And I should really think about using those in the future.

I’ve decided to embrace my natural color. The new hair plan is to grow out my roots at least a few inches and then go to my stylist and have him try to blend what’s blonde into brown to match my roots. I’ve also decided if I want blonde highlights I’ll buy a few clip in human hair pieces like I did when I bought my pink ones. And if I want to go blonde I’ll just rock a wig and save my hair from any chemical damages.

Wigs are so much more mainstream then they once were and if you look on YouTube or even celebrities you can find so much now on them. So this is now my new hair plan. Of course I think one of the reasons my hair is in amazing condition is the coconut oil treatments I do as well not using heat on my hair very often. I rarely blow dry it. And I really try not to use heat styling products on my hair. I hardly ever use my flat-iron and as far as my hot curl brush I use it every now and then. I typically let my hair air dry and go about my day.

So that’s the latest on my hair. Now that it’s growing longer I just want the best head of hair and healthiest around lol.

Have you ditched boxed dye and if so how did you cope with your roots what did you do to get healthy hair?

Lana’s Super Yummy Apple Muffens

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2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup homemade apple sauce
1/2 cups chocolate chips

Directions
: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). In a large bowl, stir together all the dry ingredients first. Then add in the wet and chocolate chips. And a little  coconut oil for goodness.

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 25:00 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool in the tray for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely. Enjoy

Disclaimer: For a larger batch use 1 1/2 cups of flour and bake for 30:00 mins.

Casket

Casket

People,
Things,
Places,
Air,
Plants,
Kisses,
Love,
Touch,
Water & Sky

My mind is there here somewhere,
My soul is fading,
My body is wearing out,
My smile is falling ,
My eyes disappearing,
My skin is disintegrating,
My casket is awaiting though I am lying but still waiting for I’m dying.

By Lana Poulson

Written sometime in 1997

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