Toxic Friendships Aren’t Healthy

Over the years I’ve had issues with one particular person who happens to be a Gemini. We have had great moments and not so great moments. Well we finally reconnected and till it went sour once again. What amazes me is she never owns her faults. It’s always someone else’s problem and or issue but it’s never her problem.

This last disagreement was my final straw and I sent her a text saying I wanted a break not to end the friendship but a break. Because it was just getting out of hand and I was quite frankly sick of her being so negative.

She responded a few moments ago with this.

( I totally understand , but I think its best if we just go our own way, too be honest I think our friendship has run it course , your starting too be the way u used too be and like I said if it started again iam out☺ I hope u find the inner peace in side ur self ware u can keep too what u say, and acutely grow take care and all the best)

When she speaks of (If it started again she’s out) I flipped out on her years ago because she got on my last nerve. And I yelled at her over the phone. This was five years or more.

However in my last text to her all I said was “I don’t care if you think or don’t think if I can get a job in an office or with the government”. It’s like why can’t we support each other.

My response to her text was this:

(Funny thing if anything I’ve changed and your still the same person as you were before.

You need to own your life and you don’t. You need to enjoy it to the max, do what you say and say what you do by going back to school or get the job you want. You have been speaking about all of that for well over 5 years.

I do agree though that our friendship has run its course.

I wish you the most success in your life. I wish you well and take care of your self. Sending love and light your way.)

The old me would have said “Go fuck yourself” but the new me can’t be bothered plus I really do hope she turns her life around.

This is a person I used to look up to. She at one point worked two jobs she was highly motivated and got shit done when she said it. Now all she does is sit at home smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and smoking pot like it’s running out of style. She’s not motivated to do anything. She speaks of winning the lotto and pipe dreaming of what she dreams of.

Shes constantly will talk about the fighting she does with both her parents who have both had heart attacks. She’s extremely negative the majority of the time I’m ever on the phone with her, and 98% of the time I bite my tongue because it’s just not worth fighting with her.

And she will decline when one of our mutual friends invites her out saying she just wants to save her money and work on her self. Not all the time but she will decline most the time. I’m always working on my self as I’m sure most people do but they also live their life.

What ive realized is this. People walk into your life they stick around either for a short time or a long time and then they leave. Usually it’s for a learning lesson. Though it would have been nice for the friendship to stay. I’m okay with that one ending. She lives in the past very much so. Speaking of how popular she was and speaking how things were the reality is. I’ve already lived my past, my future is what I’m excited for.

When we had reconnected and I told her I live on my own now she was surprised saying how she didn’t think I’d last 6 months. It’s like why do I need to prove to anyone that I can do things. I remember being told by a bunch of negative people back in my 20’s when I spoke about living my authentic self and them all saying “Your never gonna be a female or look like one or whatever just stay living as you are now” I really wish I had my finger tattoos then to tell them to go fuck off. Now it’s like I’m living my life for me but whatever life happens and it’s like look at me now.

But back to the story at hand. Sure not everyone is going to have a good day which I accept but for the extreme cases of toxic people show them the curb and get rid of them you don’t need those toxic people in your life.

Over & Out

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Needing A Hair Pick Me Up

As everyone knows I’m obsessed with my hair. Well seeing that I have not grey but white hair mainly in the front of my head mixed in with my natural shade bothers me at the moment. I really tried to stick it out and grow out my natural color but those white hairs still bother me so I said fuck it and bought some hair colour.

I picked up L’Oréal Casting Creme Colour in 4G Dark Golden Brown. I’m pretty sure I’ve been this color before like sometime last year. Either way golden brown has red in it and my bio hair has red tones so I knew this would be a pretty color on me. The one thing I never paid much attention to before was they recommend for best results to wet your hair prior to application for best results which I honestly thought was kinda strange.

But to my surprise worked a lot easier. I used 1 box, as well an applicator brush and a small bowl. I took my time, section by section, using a hand-held mirror as well my mirror that is on my bathroom cabinet. I left it in my hair a little longer because of the white hairs. I should mention this is not permanent hair color and will wash out in 28 shampoos or so. I’m kinda amazed that by wetting your hair that it would be all over even but it makes sense some how.

I didn’t want to go as dark as I went before but still dark. And the nice thing is I won’t have an odd demarcation line when it fades which is also a nice plus. It’s cloudy here and the sun wasn’t out when I took the photo below. I also wanted a color refresh for when I go for job interviews and such. I just feel more polished.

Also my hair is so shiny so yay.

Here is a helpful video. Doesn’t matter what shade you pick but how you apply it for best results does matter.

Sometimes You Need A Kit Kat Break

I think breaks are healthy to have when it comes to everything. Recently I posted a video on my YouTube channel saying I was taking a small break to focus on other things, my channel will still be up with all its videos. But I need a break from it for a few reasons. To focus on some new adventures such as work which might happen sooner than later. As well the simple fact I’m getting bored of it. I want to enjoy life and the many experiences life has to offer. I’m not getting paid by ads to post videos. I don’t make money off of it. And let’s be honest shall we. If you think your going to get rich from YouTube in a year or two you’re probably not going to. How it works is through google ad sense you get an account through google who puts ads on your videos. If people click the ads you get a few cents worth of the profits. And that’s pretty much it. So if you have a job already don’t quit it.

When I start making some serious pay checks from a job I doubt I’ll be up to wanting to make any new videos unless I have a few hours to do so. Posting videos maybe done a few times a month if that. Sure I’d love to get an updated camera for say vlogging or something but I highly doubt it. My plan is to save some serious money and move downtown. As well get some new furniture pieces as well some traveling.

For me YouTube is just something fun to do and to kill some time. That’s pretty much it. I doubt I’ll be spending money on wigs. Since I don’t really wear them all to often. And as for reviewing makeup products I don’t wear makeup daily at the moment. So no huge makeup collections here plus most cosmetics have expiration dates. Also I only really wear wigs for burlesque, Halloween or if I’m wanting to drastically change my hair color and or it’s crappy weather and I want to rock a wig that closely matches my current hairstyle.

I will most likely blog since it’s always something I’ve done. From back in the MSN group days where they had MSN blogs. I’ve always enjoyed expressing my thoughts this way. So much so I prefer it over speaking to a camera on YouTube. Also less trolls lol. And this way I can still have 100% control over who sees my posts if I so choose there is that as well.

Anywho so yeah I’m taking a break from YouTube. I have though been spending time making video screen thumbnails which has been rather fun for all my YouTube videos. Some may think why though if you’re not doing new videos. But it’s just to make the videos look a little better. I do mention that I may post a video of my tape-in extensions but other then that I won’t be posting for a while.

 

Life Update April 2017

Hello everyone well it’s been a while since my last life update not since last September. Wow time flys when your living life. So much has happened. Let’s start with finally ending my relationship with trying to look for one online. I’ve spent years online looking for love. Sure I’ve met some new friends out of it as well some not so awesome people to say the least. More wasted time than anything but you learn eventually that that world just isn’t for you. I’ve had a few life learning relationships and a few of those men I’m still friends with today.

My personal view for online is this “it’s nothing but BullShit!”

Maybe some people are able to meet their forever person but I believe 99% don’t. Everyone is to afraid to speak to people in person and they think online will be better but then people are not who they say they are. Or they are not serious or they just want a booty call. As much as being single sucks sometimes I’d rather stay off the dating apps/sites and go and live life and if I meet someone out there in the real world then awesome. But as it stands the world of online isn’t for me.

A friend of mine just last night was telling me I should re join POF and put I’m looking for friends but truth be told nah I’m good. I’ve never in my years of being online ever took such a hiatus from that world. And I’m rather enjoying it. It’s nice not to be on them. I get things done. And my feeling is that the person for me isn’t online. I won’t be meeting them online from an app or site. But I’ll meet them when I’m out. It’s such a strong feeling and it was confirmed through a medium friend of mine. So I’m feeling okay. Plus if I want more friends I can meet them at social engagements.

Moving on,

I was picked to be in a documentary. About being trans. I was picked from a group of people and I was lucky enough to be chosen. I never thought I’d ever have the chutzpah to ever do something like that. But there I am putting my life out there for the world to see. It was done by three university students in journalism they are still trying to sell it but have made it  available on YouTube. I was able to post it on my channel but I will link it here to one of their channels.

My goal is to share my story and if I can help someone either understand it or help them in a way that might make them turn a light bulb on with in them selves then my job is done.

I’ve also have been coming to terms with accepting my body for what it is. And seriously really loving my self for who and what I am. And not wanting to fit into the puzzle piece of what Society says I should be. My path of being trans is mine alone and not what others believe I should be. It’s taken me seriously years to come to this place. And it’s fucking awesome finally. It sure has not been a walk in the park. But to be able to be my self and accept my self for who I am is the best feeling.

I met a burlesque performer last Halloween and I had discussed about wanting to do burlesque I’ve always loved this kind of performance. I went and saw one of her shows with her dance troupe and I have been hooked since. Since then I’ve done Burlesque a total of three times twice in one night and then again months later. I’ve created a persona and have spent hours gluing rhinestones and making the performance great. I’ve only done it at one place for now. And I do want to do more later on. Unfortunately though money is limited with some things and so I pick and choose when I do it. But things are looking up.

I was supposed to host a New Years Ev party and I had written a speech for the performers one of them a well known Canadian Country Singer. Sadly I didn’t know who he was before hand and till I went googling. I listen to all types of music but new country isn’t one. Well I wish I had gone now but everything happens for a reason. I had become friends with him as well his Manager prior to the event so I could get the right info for my speech but we have never really chatted.

And till this week. I sent him a message on Facebook and said it would be nice to go for coffee and meet face to face. Not thinking he would respond let alone want to. Being busy and all. But to my lovely surprise he agreed and it was like talking to a good friend you have known for years. What a pleasure it was. I told him my story it was just the most fun. Such a super nice guy. I loved our chat and it was nice we chatted for almost two hours and I’m so glad I met him. A new friend was made and I see him as just him he just so happens to be an amazing country singer.

Some other exciting happy news. These last few years I have really done a lot of growing.  Learning of who and what I want in my life and knowing things need to seriously change. I’m thrilled because I hope to be working this year. This is the year I start working at a new job. I’m extremely happy because I get to work with a new service provider who will help me get a new job. My worker that I have we discussed me going back to work and I’m thrilled because I was told back in 2013 I wouldn’t be able to use these services again unless I did three months of volunteer work to show that I was ready to work again, mainly because of my small break down in 2011.

But she could tell by my voice and the way I was talking on the phone that I am ready and wanting to work. To me this is a second chance to finally get some where. I know what kind of job I want and I’m going to shoot for something in the government. I need health benefits as well pension and all of the stuff people with that sorta job is secured. Working at a regular job doing retail or something isn’t for me. My goal is to make good money eventually buy my own condo maybe or even rent one and I really want to travel and see parts of the world I’ve always wanted to see.

I want to be able to do things I can’t do at the moment and I don’t want to have to worry about money all the time. I’m glad I was able to get on the assistance of disability but I’m excited to get back into the real world and do something  productive become a part of  Society. As I said on my Facebook I wake at 6:45am and I go to sleep at the latest 10:30pm sometimes earlier. I to keep as busy as possible. I’m ready to work.

Also Diva is perfectly fine if I’m gone most of the day. I’ve left her from 8am and got home at 4:30pm and she was good. So that’s fine. Also the job services train you for work if the job requires it which is helpful. I’m lucky to live where I do and have services that will help people who want to work. I have goals and dreams and I’m excited for this next chapter in my life.

YouTube I will have to take a break from doing videos but that’s okay. I’m kinda running out of things to do on there anyways. Heck I’ve started doing re reviews of older wigs cause I’m that bored lol. And I’m currently not even wearing wigs full-time. Once in a blue moon. Guess that’s what happens when you get bored.

Anywho I’m supposed to be going to Montreal this summer to spend time with a friend of mine and go to Montreal Pride I’m looking forward to that never being there in the summer. Not sure when I will start work because it’s a process but I’m excited nonetheless. Also I went to Dress For Success this past week to get some new clothing for interviews. You have to be referred there which I was. It was a nice experience I was able to get some business casual attire, finally got a beautiful blazer / suit jacket it’s super pretty three quarter sleeve black. Came with matching pants which are a tad to short but might rock them with flats or a heel since short pants seem to be in now lol.

A few skirts tops and two necklaces and a scarf. Also when I have landed full-time work I can go back and get five more outfits so that’s nice. Will things fit is another question. The lady who was helping me said don’t look at size just focus on fit. That’s hard to do but totally right. Because all the new clothing I have are all different sizes but it all fits.

Also my hair that’s growing amazing. I haven’t dyed my hair in like two or three months I’m trying to just let my natural colour grow out but I feel I may need to do a semi soon since I want my hair to look polished if I’m looking for work and for interviews unless I rock a wig that’s similar to my bio hair like Brandi is Pictured below.

My bio hair curled how pretty is it wow blows my mind that’s my hair below.

So that’s the latest life update.

For all  life updates check out here

You’re In The Wrong Body, Kid

I am extremely excited to be able to share finally my documentary that I was in last year with all of you. It is age restricted to 18+ because there is some scenes that I don’t think are appropriate for younger viewers. That being said please enjoy.

Dear Teens You

You took a drink to many

you tried drugs and did to many

you tried to push who you were away

you slept around

you felt alone

 

it wasn’t their fault

though you felt it was

they didn’t have the right information

they didn’t have all the services they have now

 

they love you no matter what

they really would do anything for you

even though you felt alone

you really weren’t

 

you were loved than

your loved now

They love you 😘

I love you 😘

Sitting Comfortably at 166lbs

So apparently I haven’t written anything here since March 7th of last year. So last summer I went to California for my God mothers celebration of life party. I drank more wine than water and gained some weight.

Went up from a size 2 to a size 6. Well I’m happily back down to a size 2 and I’m comfortable at 166lbs give or take a few pounds depending on the day. I eat what I want but still am mindful of how much I’m eating. I do eat chocolate from time to time and I drink from time to time. I’m not big on drinking alone so it’s rare that I have any booze in my house.

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My workouts as far as high intensity goes I do twice a week usually on Mondays & Fridays and then of course walking miss Diva and whatever walking I do when I’m out and about. My phone tracks my steps which is great to see how much I’ve walked on a single day. Some days I’ve walked a lot like April 3rd I walked in total 7.2km then some days it could be 1.4km. That’s including walking in my apartment to walking the dog and outings and such. In a day of course the less movement and my phone not being on me will record less.

I feel that my weight really won’t be going to any major extremes. I have control over it and I feel great. I believe my weight will sit in this area permanently.

A girlfriend of mine asked if I’d put more weight on and I said quite frankly I’m happy being the weight that I am. I’ve always been a slender person I was skinny as a child and in my teens and most of my 20s. I put on some weight in a past relationship then gained a shit ton in my early 30s. And then poof made it disappear. I would not trade being skinny to be fat. Been there bought the Tshirt and sold it.

My perfect weight is what I’m sitting at now.

Left 238lbs 2015 & Right 166lbs 2017

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If you want something bad enough you will make your dream come true!

Dear Early Teens You

Please forgive your self.

The future you, the You who is writing to the younger you wants to let you know that your body image dreams do come true. The person you so wanted to become does in fact become a reality. It was not an easy road if anything it was a very hard road with a lot of bumps and curves and bends but it’s brought fun amazing crazy wild moments with it as well.

Id also like to say that where you went the path you went down the mistakes you made, also made you the person who survived the person who took control of where your path went. Even though you made mistakes and even though you had some unfortunate events. You made it out as a stronger individual. You are so much more than you even realize.

You had a hard time sometimes you brought things on your self and other times it was just how the cards were laid out before you. But you made it out onto the other side and became a stronger person.

You are loved

I Love ❤️ You!!!!