Over coming you’re fears

So the fire really has affected me more so then I thought. After removing and clearing out some of my things which has been good in many ways. I’m still sleeping with my curtains open which is kinda new and not really sure why I’m doing that but it’s my new thing. The stench is gone which has been great and my dreams are no longer messed up. Tuesday night I had to catch a bus and used the fire escape. I haven’t used it since the fire and though I had to go past the floor I saw the two fire men with the body. I honestly was so  focussed getting down the floors quickly it didn’t faze me. That floor does still stink and they have about three air filter thingys going.

I’m pretty amazed really that I was able to do that. Use that fire escape and sorta push that image out of my head. Each day is new and each day it gets better. But it also kinda fucked with my Christmas. I wasn’t my usual self. I didn’t really want to be around people. And I spent a decent amount of time in the guest room at my parents. I also didn’t ask much for Christmas. It’s pretty traumatic to experince something like that. I would not wish that on anyone.

I had amazing times this year by far, and some crappy experiences. I hope 2018 is filled with more amazing experiences and less crap.

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Not one dating app is better then the other

OkCupid didn’t stay on my phone long. I left it and joined another app. I did meet someone new for coffee and tho he wasn’t my type, he was super nice and conversation went well. That being said sadly because I turned someone down for not being interested they took it to next level “psycho”. Though I’ve exchanged numbers with a few people this one person is next level. Super transphobic or as he put it he’s freakphobic. The blocking feature on the app isn’t working well because the app lets people re join under new accounts so it’s hard to handle. There are always some bad apples on these apps and I don’t believe one is  necessarily going to be better over the other but I’ll most likely leave this app as well.

meh

Material Things Mean Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Things

What I learned this week was that the material things that I own mean nothing to me but the people in my life and my dog are of the up most important to me. And with in a split second everything that you think is important as the material becomes not important in the face of danger. The photos of you, family and your friends that you have on the wall or sitting on a shelf are no longer important in the sense if you have them online and they can be reprinted out. Or the sofa, clothing in your closet the pictures of art on the walls becomes not that meaningful anymore.

This past Tuesday I came home from a night of burlesque. Getting home at around 1am. Diva greeted me at the door as she usually does. Makeup was washed off and I fell asleep around 1:30am. I was not in a deep sleep when I heard the fire alarm go off. In the past it’s gone off with no real danger since people usual pull it. You become  accustomed to it. There was one other time of just a small kitchen fire which was two years ago. Anyways as diva and I lay in bed waiting for the noise to turn off. I started to smell a stench like smoke.

Realizing that it was more serious than thought. I threw on some socks grabbed a sweater. Called for diva to get off her bed, she was freaked out so I had to grab her. Got my phone, my keys, put on boots stuck a sweater on her and opened my apartment door. There was thick smoke in the hall. Not knowing what was going on I looked down the hall then went into the fire escape and started to work my way down the stairs. The stair well was also filled with smoke. It was hard to breathe, I tried to cover my mouth and nose with my sweater.

As we ascended down the smoke got thicker, by the 5th floor or so I saw two fire men carrying a very badly burnt body. I saw in shock and went to turn to go up a floor and they yelled out just bypass us and keep going down. To which I did. Once down to the first floor I ran towards the lobby to which I saw police and other firemen as well other residents.

At one point I went outside with Diva to get some air. My throat was very sore to swallow. The majority of us were told to wait in the lounge. We were not allowed to go back to our units till I’d say 4am. But for the residents that stayed in their units, over the intercom system ere told to stay put. They put the fire out apparently it took them 10-15 minutes.

One person died at the scene which was the person I had seen and there was another person who was checked out for smoke inhalation. But was okay. They are still investigating how it happened but it was an accident and apparently both people were sleeping at the time. But between you and me fires don’t just happen out of the blue.

When we were able to come back into our apartments. I had to wash diva’s face and neck and feet from the smoke making her fur grey. My apartment did smell and I slept with the windows cracked open. The smell is mostly gone but a small faint smell in my hall. There is still an odour in the hallway of my floor.

It sucks having something like this happen because it brought back feelings of that almost brake in I had in 2015. The uneasiness I felt came rushing back full tilt. I have asked the angels and my god mother to help me sleep these last few days and to remove the images from my mind as well have used meditation.

Last night was the first night this week where I’ve actually slept all the way through. This experience has made me realize what’s most important and it’s not having material things. I honestly want to get rid of a lot of my belongings. I just don’t see a reason to have as much as I do. Because at the end of the day. If something were to happen as if what if the fire had spread to everyone’s else’s apartments and such nothing material wise means anything to me but my dog.

I’m happy to report that the walls are cement and the fire was contained to only the one unit. But it still doesn’t change how I feel about my material items. They can always be replaced and when it comes to photos of fam & friends everything is online now and so if you printed them out they can be reprinted. And though I have collected a few amazing Marilyn pictures. In the case of a fire you grab the most important things. Maybe your purse with your cell phone your animal and that’s it!.

I’m seeing my shrink next week. Though I know she can’t fix anything in the sense of what happened to me. I have been calling on my god mother and the angels to help heal this and to make sure I feel safer and to look over me and let me sleep. Today was a better day then yesterday and tonight before I sleep I will ask again.

I really wish this didn’t happen and I wish I didn’t see what I saw. That’s why I keep asking the angels to erase it from my mind. I just need it gone.

Wednesday night I went and did burlesque, to get that experience out of my mind but then one of the burlesque performers did a fire routine and the smell just brought me back. I hope I can get over that smell so I can enjoy the fire acts again because they are mesmerizing to watch.

Also Diva has missed me so much, every time I have to leave Diva behind when I go out I feel bad. When I come home she lets me pick her up and she gives me kisses more so more now than before.

 

I know with time it will get better. I hope!

It just fucking sucks!

Bestfriends

As a child for me anyways, I always wanted a best friend. Someone to laugh with, cuddle in hard times. Call up just because and just generally have a ball with.

As I got older childhood friends disappeared and the so-called Best friend in Highschool turned their back on me. Again it was difficult getting close to people because I was one of those people who would wear their heart on their sleeve. I had to learn to get a harder shell which isn’t easy when you’re a super sensitive person.

I have had friends who I call best friends but I wasn’t theirs. They already had best friends before we became friends. Sure we are super close and I love them but I’m not their best friend. I first met my BFF at a mutual friends pride party. It’s funny because I already knew his boyfriend.

When we met we instantly clicked. Like it was just magic. We were inseparable for a long time and till we had one falling out. It seriously got me in my core that we were not friends. I missed him soooo much. I even cried because I missed him. We were disconnected for four years or so. But everything happens for a reason and you grow and you learn. I’m so thrilled now because we reconnected summer of 2016. And have had amazing heart to heart conversations. Made new amazing memories and even though time passed without being connected as soon as we reconnected it was like how we first met. Even though time passed us by it’s like time never stopped.

I think what is also super amazing is that we love each other as is. I wouldn’t change anything about him he’s truely an amazing guy and I’m so lucky to call him my BFF as I am his. I really do value friends as well friendships. And even though I dislike being single I am the luckiest lady because I do have amazing friends. That love me which is more important than having nothing at all.