🐾Baby Girl🐾

Diva’s last day is happening on my best friends birthday 🎂. Ideally it was set for Thursday at noon but that time doesn’t work for the dr so it was either 8pm Thursday or two times on Wednesday I chose 12pm. It’s bitter sweet in a way as well because when I got Diva it wasn’t a super great day as in weather wise. It was also in the day time when I got her as well. They are calling for rain on Wednesday.

I did do some reading on what to expect and towels come into place because they usually end up letting their blatter go and sometimes bowels, I also read their eyes can stay open but I feel if she’s in my arms and she is already on pain meds plus the sedative she will fall asleep. I also plan to place her into the drs vehicle my self. 

I wont be there for the private cremation. Though was told I could watch if I so chose too. My emotions come in waves. My IBS has done a number and the headaches are getting on my nerves. I’ve also lost about five pounds and it’s not because I’m not eating because I am. But I think 🤔 it’s the stress of all of it.

Tomorrow which is Tuesday I’ll be doing a paw ink print of her foot in pink as well a clay impression. I plan to get her paw tattooed at some point on me. I read also a great article about when your animal passes and the material things that are left behind, you can see that article by clicking ME.

I’ve also been working on a video in memory of her and have been adding to it constantly and will keep adding to it and till she passes. Right now it’s at around 45 minutes. With photos, video clips and music. There will never be another dog like her. But there will be other dogs.

So far I’ve raised almost all of the money that I need to pay for everything. I’m blessed to have all the donations as well family and friends that have reached out to me.

Honestly you never quite know what true unconditional love is and till you get an animal. Because they love you no matter what.

 

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My Beloved Diva🐾

Dear WordPress

I’m utterly devastated to share this news with everyone. I found out yesterday evening at 5:50pm the test results. The thing on her paw is a Mass Cell Cancer Tumour it is high grade. Instead of taking her to the vet to have her stress out and get anxiety I’ve decided to make the best decision to do home hospice.

Home hospice is when they come to your home and your animal can go in peace and as comfortable as possible. I’m at my family’s home. I’ve decided who I will go with since there are two options for the best service.

I’ve had two friends already donate some money towards her hospice care. I’ve also created a Go Fund Me Page called Divas Hospice Care if you do choose to donate any amount is great. And it will go to pay for the services as well cremation of her.

It saddens me and has devastated me beyond anything I’ve ever felt. Next week I’ll be sharing on my YouTube channel my last and final video of her. And I don’t know when I’ll be back on it.

Going forward my plan is to take some me time to grieve. Then to live without an animal for a little while and when I’m ready then I’ll more then likely become a foster dog parent. To help dogs that need a safe space before getting adopted and if and when the right dog comes to me and doesn’t want to go then I’ll adopt them.

I’ve had a headache almost all day, I feel dehydrated from crying and have been drinking loads of water. And I’ve been snapping photos and videos of Diva. I even took her to the park so she could run off leash and play. I’ll most likely take her to the park near my parents place tomorrow if she’s up for it.

I won’t be blogging for a little while as I take some time off social media.

Thankyou to everyone who’s following along in this painful journey. And I’m sorry to anyone who’s in the same position as I am who’s having to say goodbye to their best friend.

Again to donate you can do so by going to this link Divas Hospice Care

Mini Diva Update🐶

Diva is now taking pain meds and antibiotics. Still waiting on test results. Her loose tooth fell out yesterday and she hops on three legs in the apartment. Her walks are short and not for long she will do her business and then I pick her up to limit her walking. Since she will walk on the paw that’s sore. Leaving her alone by her self breaks my heart because she doesn’t leave her paw alone for long. The Victorian collar doesn’t work and yesterday I had to go out and I gave her half a melatonin pill to kinda knock her out a little, thinking maybe she would leave her paw alone but that didn’t work. Melatonin can help with  separation anxiety but it didn’t do anything for Diva. I’m hoping the pain medication and antibiotics will relieve some of the discomfort.

The vet told me it’s most likely cancer we just don’t know exactly what kind. So and till the results come back it’s a guessing game at this point.

Will update as soon as I find out.

Wanna Go To The Movies 🎥?

February 9th Fifty Shades Freed came out in theatres. I was more than excited to see the movie. I had made plans with this guy. We were making plans to see it the following Monday. But on the Friday I decided to buy a ticket and go see the first showing of it. I’ve seen the last two by myself and wanted to see this one as well by myself.

And thank god I did because I had a feeling the guy wouldn’t show up. PS the movie was awesome and it matched the third book. To the T.

The Monday came and I had a feeling the guy would be a noshow. Tuesday came and I sent him a text. He responded by saying that he totally forgot. We made plans to get together the following Monday. Which was this past Monday. He asked me last week “When would you I’d like to go to the movies afternoon or evening?” I told him afternoon he had also said he would check show times.

Monday comes. I hear not one peep. I sent him a text at around 4:27 pm asking if he forgot again. He doesn’t text me back till 5:33pm

Hello

Fifty Shades Freed @7:15pm

Typically in the past I would have responded bitching the person out. But guess what that won’t be productive. If he really wanted to see me and do an afternoon movie he would have texted me in the morning making plans for an afternoon show. So instead of doing my usual rant and bitch I decided to do nothing. I didn’t bother responding and I still haven’t responded. Why because he’s not worth anymore of my time. By not texting back I’ve taken a small part of my power back. If he really wanted to see me he would have made the effort. And quite frankly I’m tired of that bullshit.

You forgot our date the week before, you ask me when I’d like to go see the movie you then don’t text me till the evening for an evening showing. And you don’t put any effort into contacting me till later in the day. Go fuck yourself. You’re not worth my time. And  obviously you don’t care enough about me to make proper plans. So no you don’t get anymore of my time. You will never have anymore of my time and I’ll never put the effort into you again. Sorry not 😐 sorry.

If a man can’t make you a priority for a simple movie date screw them. If a man can’t show up for you, can’t keep plans and can’t text you back. They are not worthy of your time. I’m sick of these supposedly good guys. If you wanted to talk to me you would, you would make the time to text back, call, keep the plans you make and not forget. If I’m that unforgettable then so are you!.

See you like never!

 

 

My New Sofa

So the image above is not mine however the idea is exactly what I envisioned a few years ago on my blog. I managed to find that one person did exactly that on Pinterest.

Next Saturday my father and I are going to pick up the IKEA Kivik Chaise in the color Orrsta light grey. My plan then is to then go to Home Sense at some point and pick up a few more throw pillows as the photo from Pinterest and make it more cozy.

Then I’ll be able to use the chaise as a sofa and if I needed an extra spot for a friend to crash a bed. I love the light grey colour and I’m totally excited about getting this new piece. Also, the seat has a layer of memory foam so that will make it extremely comfy.

Something kind of interesting though is if you order from IKEA online they will charge you a $20 service fee just to go and pick it up. How crazy is that?

So next Saturday we will just go and buy it on the spot and by passing the whole store to the warehouse.

I’m totally stoked!

Can’t wait.

Small Health Update On Diva

Finally took her to the vet yesterday. They took some samples from her paw and sent them in for further testing. So we will finally find out what exactly is going on. The vet didn’t detect a heart murmur and said sometimes depending on how they breath can make their heart beat differently so at this rate I’m confused on if she does or doesn’t have one because I’ve now heard three different things.

Also her breath may stink a touch because she’s got a loose tooth. But having it removed I can’t afford at this moment. It’s not bothering her so it can fall out by it’s self at this rate. I had also bought a new Victorian collar from the vet that was fitted for her. The vet said to keep her paw dry and bandaged for two days then to clean it and rebandage it.

But I went out last night and when I returned home what do you think she managed to do. ripped into the toe removed the insides of the pad and yeah. So here’s me at 1:25am having to reclean and bandage the damn thing. I was livid! To say the least. They need to make those collars so they can’t get at any of their paws period!

No idea what I’m gonna do about her. Seriously 😳 it bothers me! Anyways that was not something I wanted to come home too.

I’ll find out in 7 to 10 days what’s up with her results and then will then figure it out from there. Update will follow when I know what’s going on.

 

Hello Ikea

So I’m dealing with a cold at the moment but over the weekend my parents invited me to go to Ikea with them. So I said sure. I picked up a new coffee table though you can use it as a coffee table or side table. Gotta love Ikea because you can use pretty much anything from that store as whatever you want to.

My bestfriend has a table on casters which I was drawn too. And so when I saw these ones I was hooked. I love how it’s open and airy as well on wheels. So you can move it around. It’s also white so I like that and it doesn’t take up much room. I got the smaller one because there is another size that is more rectangle. The one above is about $49 the larger one is $79. And it was a snap to put together took less then five minutes.

I feel like I now have a real coffee table. It’s cute, it’s easy to move around, it’s airy and it’s roomy.

Thanks Ikea

Living With Less

Since decluttering, removing and down sizing my belongings. I’ve come to love everything I own. And realizing having more than I need will never make me happy. I used to want more pots or pans, more dishes, more throw blankets and more clothing. Every time I’d go out I’d want more. Even when I didn’t need it. You go into a mall and you see sales here, sales there, sales everywhere. Seeing more art work of the same thing I already owned like Marilyn Monroe. As well spending more than I had.

As a child I was all about saving my money and not spending every last dime I had. Then I grew up and it all changed. I got my self into credit debt not the best move I ever made. But the good news is it’s being paid off. The other good news is that I know what I need. And don’t need. I own two pots a small one and a medium size one. I own three pans and one large sauté pan that has a bit of a deeper bottom to it. Unless they fall apart I don’t need more. As a single person having a set of 16 place setting dish’s I also don’t need and no longer own.

My grandmothers China. I also got rid of the extras and donated them and kept four of each four bigger plates, I had four medium plates but one broke and two small saucers as well the tea kettle. As well a serving platter & a few tea cups that my other grandmother had.

Out of my own dishes I kept two dinner plates and two smaller plates. One bowl, and last year I bought two bigger bowls for eating which are perfect for soup or pasta. Four regular drinking glasses and two  specialty Marilyn drinking glasses. I have a few baking things like pans and bread pan and two muffin tins. And two baking sheet pans. A few cutting boards some just for fish or chicken. A tea kettle for the stove.

My wardrobe consists of things I need. And to have some variety and to mix and match. For comfy classic and causal yet dressy and sophisticated. I recently bought some fleece lined tights. And donated two pairs of fleece lined leggings that just were to tight in my body. I’ve also thrown out shirts with stains or are falling apart. Stop holding on to those things. They have been well worn but it’s time for them to go.

By not spending ever last dime I have on shopping. I have more money and the desire to shop has decreased so much. In fact I no longer desire to shop online and have unsubscribed  from many mailing lists. Less email clutter. The one thing I dislike about  social media are the shopping ads they throw in your face as they do on Instagram or Facebook. And even tv talk shows when they share about things they tell you you need to have.

Though the  minimalism is what I’d love to fully do. I do enjoy and love what I have held on too. And I don’t believe in getting rid of everything, Nor do I believe in only have a few pieces of clothing. But it does make me feel good that I don’t need to have a lot to have a beautiful place or have beautiful things. And the clothing I own I love all the pieces.

I know going forward I will never buy another Marilyn Monroe item. I know that having more materialistic things will not make me happy. And I also know that by having more doesn’t make me feel good. Shopping was a rush and buying something on sale was a thrill but once it happened that feeling went away and I felt really bad after.

By not buying into consumerism I feel better about my self. I feel better about the things I own. And I value what I do have. I no longer have an emotional tie with my belongings as I did in the past. Of course there are some items I do have that I love and the memories that are tied to them. If that item was to get lost or stolen or I gave it to someone else or what have you, I would still have the memories of that piece.

Anyways there are things that you do at some point have to replace. Like sofas or beds or dishes or whatever but it’s being more mindful on what you spend your money on. Same with clothing like getting timeless pieces or better quality clothing that didn’t cost 5$. However there are some shirts I have bought on sale that lasted 8 years though some of them are now gone. But yeah.

I just feel better with less crap. Though with less crap the better you feel.  Now I just have to work on my mind lol 😆

Diva’s Health Update

When we were at the vet last to treat her vaginitis she also had a small cyst on her paw between her two toes. The vet put her on antibiotics and said it should clear both of them up. Well her interdigital cyst didn’t go away. In fact it’s grown to a pretty decent size.

I’ve been doing  epson salt soaks,  peroxide cleaning, using  polysporin. And when I go out I wrap her paw in vet wrap, dog sock, I’ve even done the  victorian caller as well the other two combined. Though when I return home the sock and vet wrap has been removed. But she’s still wearing the collar.

Shes been getting half of a Benadryl pill. But not sure it’s helping. She will be seeing the vet later this month. And I think we will do the biopsy to see what it is for sure. I’ve been talking to the vet through email.

Also her breath stinks and her vaginitis is back im pretty sure. Her breath just stinks almost like her paw. It’s weird. She doesn’t have much energy here. Even though she does at my parents. And her cyst doesn’t ooze it bleeds. Ugh less walks for her as well and she’s hates when I leave. Ever since the fire happened in the building she hasn’t been the same since. Very clingy, follows me practically everywhere I go.

That’s  the latest with Diva. Will update after we see the vet in the next few weeks.

Worthless

Every time a man uses me for sex a small part of my soul dies.

When I’m used for sex and not treated with respect my self-esteem becomes worthless

I feel worthless

Men who want one thing from me makes me feel worthless

How does one feel like they matter when they are always used to being treated as less than. When you desire love but don’t receive it. When the men you attract don’t see you as human.

An object for their sexual pleasure. Once they get what they want they throw you aside like yesterday’s trash.

They make you feel like you’re the problem, you’re the crazy one, You’re  the one with issues.

People who say you should love yourself in order to receive love from others. But what if what you receive isn’t love at all, it’s bullshit, it’s false, it’s the worthless shit they put upon you.

I have used online dating thinking I may meet a legit nice guy but 99% of the time it’s men who want to use this body for their own sexual desires and then toss it aside after they have gotten what they wanted.

How does one not feel worthless after?

Worthless

by

Lana Poulson