Dear Early 30’s You

So many things are about to happen that you will experience and so many hurdles you are about to live. You’re 30th birthday was one hell of a party. Surrounded by amazing people and your best-friend. Diva was right there beside you making memories with you.

Unfortunately your older brother hit a rough patch in his life and you had to endure some crap. You also hit a road block with your best-friend and your life is about to get rough. Get prepared because you’re gonna wish you were back to being a teenager.

Remember it will get tough before it gets better and remember

I Love You 🤟🏻

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Eyeshadow Palette & Other Products

I wanted to write about this for a while but never got to it and till now. Over the holidays as well my birthday last year I was given a few Sephora gift cards. Well I used them a while ago before Diva left and I’ve been able to use the products multiple times. I bought a Make Up Forever Matte eyeshadow palette,  Anastasia dipbrow pomade, and some red eye glitter also from MUFE.

The eyeshadow palette is super pigmented, it’s very creamy as well and blends like butter. I’m pretty obsessed with this palette to be honest. And wear it a lot. To do smoky eye looks or natural. Also because they are so pigmented I’ve also done an eyeliner in my water line using some of the colours.

I would rebuy the palette tho.

I wish I had used Anastasia dip brow long time ago but I don’t follow trends when it comes to makeup. And I don’t buy into the hype of products. I do like the dip brow. The life span of it is 6months. I doubt I’ll even get through all of it in 6months. And a little goes a long way this is for sure. Though I love it, I don’t know if I’d rebuy it. Also it can rub off. So what they say about it not is bs. I don’t think it needs to cost as much as it does, maybe they could bring the cost down by putting it into a plastic container and not glass. Just a thought.

The red sparkly glitter I’ve yet to use. It’s super fine and very sparkly. I’m sure it will be like any other glitter. So that’s all I have to say about that for right now.

I also think matte eye shadows look way better than sparkly ones. On mature skin if your 21 to 25 maybe but if you are in your 30’s let go of them unless it’s for stage. Just my opinion since I’ve done both. I just find matte colors look there best. And it really enhances the eyes much more than shimmers.

Over & Out

When Your Emotions Are Scattered

First let me say this, I’m happy to be bringing home a new baby girl to love and take care of. But the waiting is what’s killing me. I know I have to wait a little longer to bring Coco home.

Coco, has she ever grown in a week.

I have anxiety I’ve had it for years. I’ve also had depression off and on for years as well. Diva helped me emotionally and physically. A dog can do so much for a human in more ways than just unconditional love.

Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. I’m seeing my family doctor April 4th to go back on to antidepressants. Not just because of Diva’s passing. Other things that are going on that I don’t care to discuss here. And then seeing my therapist April 5th which will be a much needed appointment.

Yesterday was a difficult day and today was pretty dark. I canceled performing burlesque tonight and quite frankly I just don’t want to be around anyone. I’ve tried going for walks to clear my head it hasn’t worked. Every time I go for a walk the memories are of walking diva on that same path comes up. I’ve done yoga to clear my head and it hasn’t worked. I’ve done meditation and that hasn’t helped. Nothing fucking helps.

I feel like I’m going crazy. One minute I’m smiling the next I’m crying. I wake up to say good morning to her and when I go to bed I say goodnight, when I leave the house or when I return I say be right back thinking it’s going to some how comfort me or make me feel better but it doesn’t. Nothing I do makes the pain better.

I miss Diva everyday

My parents have been so amazing letting me come to their house to crash for a few days here and there. Some how I have more comfort at there house. Maybe because I sleep in the bed diva was last on her final day. Or maybe because they have dogs I can cuddle or maybe it’s because they are here. Or maybe it’s all three things. But every time I leave my apartment to then come back to it it’s empty.

Coco is different then Diva in some ways such as size, coat, colouring, and will have her own big personality. I’ll be able to bring Coco with me to more places because of her size and the carrier I have as well she will be my therapy dog.

But my current emotional  state is not well and I need extra help. To help me through these difficult times because between you and I.

I can’t do it alone!

How Are You Doing? They Ask

Some days are okay, other days it sucks. It’s amazing how some people are insensitive. It’s amazing how my depression is kinda coming back since Diva passed. I know by having this new puppy will bring some joy back into my life. I’m taking the month of April off from doing burlesque so I can focus on this puppy and to train her and get into a new routine. My last show is tomorrow night. Then I’ll be performing next May 5th.

Also my mood is meh. I’ve been going for walks thinking it’s gonna clear my head but it doesn’t it just brings up memories of walking diva or just her in general. I have to say after she died I wanted to go with her. To say I’m doing okay is an understatement. I have moments of enjoyment but then I have to return to my apartment and that’s the difficult thing. Returning to an empty house. It will be one full month Wednesday that she left. I miss her so much it hurts.

Am I upset yup. Am I depressed I’d say so. Am I happy not really. Losing Diva the way I did was super sad. If she didn’t get cancer she would have lived a long time this I know. It just sucks that she’s not here with me.

Sleeping is difficult, I hate going to bed alone. Not having a dog is extremely difficult and my anxiety is coming back as well. Two more weeks and I will be busy with a new pup as well routine. This whole non routine business isn’t my thing at all.

I hate it!

 

Halo Extensions Are A Game Changer

I would have to say Halo Extensions are super easy to put in 3 seconds roughly and it takes less than a second to remove them. Though they are not permanent they do stay in your hair all day long. They do take some getting used to though, I’ve been wearing mine since early this morning and it’s now 6:12pm.

I’ve gone out in the wind, went on a fast walk for about 25mins. Traveled on the bus, went shopping, came home. It does get some getting used to when the wind blows and you can sorta feel it moving around but it doesn’t come off. I guess the gravity of your hair over top of the extensions really secure it into place.

Honestly there is no damage to the hair at all unlike all the other methods. The wire you do have to get used to. But because it’s clear it vanishes within the rest of the hair on your head once brushed. Also it makes your hair even thicker. Whether you buy it from some of the sellers online or directly from China like I did. You will be pleased and glad you did. The video below is when I got them in last Friday.

Some Amazing News!

Diva age 8

Since losing Diva it’s been really difficult for me. I won’t sugar coat it but I’ve been lost, heartbroken  and quite honestly I was honestly wanting to be with her on the other side. You see when you spend almost 11 years with your fur baby. You both depend on each other immensely. We knew each other and would chat even though we didn’t speak the same language we just clicked. She made me leave the house when I didn’t want too, to take her out for walks or to the park and once there she put a smile on my face. Having a routine that was the same everyday made me feel important even when other things in my life went south. She was there for all the happy moments and all the sad. She was my soul mate.

Diva as a puppy

 

And you see when that suddenly stops and vanishes its extremely hard to go back to a life that you don’t even know. Because the life you had before her was so long ago you just can’t comprehend what you’re supposed to do. Last Wednesday was one of the hardest days I’ve had since losing Diva. I made the effort to call my mother to see if I could go back to my parents home to stay for a little while longer. I just couldn’t be in my apartment by myself.

Young Diva 8 months old

 

It was honestly to empty. Knowing she wasn’t there physically was just braking me inside. Never truly being by myself was destroying me inside. Heck that Wednesday I cried for an hour, had a mini panic attack and I’ve never felt anything like that then losing the one thing that loved me truly unconditionally, faults and all. I know my family love me as well friends but it’s just hard to describe because I don’t speak dog and she doesn’t speak English. But we are connected on a much deeper level.

Though Divas ashes are in her urn and I would talk to her it was just too much to bear. So I called my mother and packed a bag and she came to pick me up. I spoke to friends about possibly becoming a foster dog mom down the road. But it just isn’t for me at this time. Any who both my parents mentioned to me that they would like to see me with another dog and would try to make something workout.

I went looking online and googling and went to a few sites and I wasn’t really finding what I wanted. I knew I wanted preferably a Chihuahua mix again. Because I really lucked out with Diva. But I wanted something small enough I could carry or walk. Anyways I had summited an application for a dog but they never got back to me. And literally as my father and I were having lunch. I spoke out loud and said “Diva send me a dog”, that afternoon I came across an ad for Chorkie puppies. Three female puppies, right away I saw the one that just stood out to me the most. I mean all three were adorable but when you just have a feeling. You go with it. A Chorkie is a cross between a Yorkshire Terrier and a Chihuahua. The breeder was a very nice lady by the way, had both parents, I was able to see them and meet them. The father a beautiful Chihuahua as well beautiful colouring is maybe 7lbs and the mother is maybe 8lbs Yorkie again light in color.

I was able to hold this new bundle of joy in my hands. She was born Feb 11 her astrology sign is Aquarius (The sign of Aquarius is the Water Bearer which is ruled by the planet Uranus. Aquarius is an air sign and happens to be the most intelligent and intuitive sign in the zodiac. Aquarians are unpredictable and can go from zero to sixty in about two seconds. These dogs are also difficult at times in that they like to do what they want to do when they want to do it. What makes us adore them is that they are extremely loving and love others. The Aquarian dog is perfect if you want them to be a companion to another dog, cat or chicken! They will be game to whomever you pair them up with. However, Aquarians need their space and alone time to plot and plan their next amazing surprise and just when you least expect it they will dazzle you.)

I get her early April and this is what she looks like. Also from what I read Chorkies fur coats can change colour depending on the season. So it will be very interesting if hers changes as well.

Coco Chanel Poulson

Honestly I believe Diva wanted me to have her in my life and that’s why I found the ad, after I asked her to send me a Dog. Because she knows that she will be so well taken care of. These past few weeks have been so difficult for me. This Wednesday will be three weeks Diva has been gone and quite frankly I don’t know what I would have done if this little bundle of beauty didn’t come into my life. I truly and honestly believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I don’t know why, or how. But I’m thankful for every moment. If you would have asked me 15 years ago if I’d be where I am. I’d probably laugh because so much good has come which completely disregards the negative that I’ve experienced. And though I’ll always have a special place in my heart for Diva. When Coco comes home she will be my main focus.

I’m excited for this next chapter!

On The Hunt For A New Pooch

I’ve been asked by a few people about getting another dog. And in the past few posts I’ve mentioned about waiting 6 months to a year of getting another and that was my own thinking thinking I could wait that long. But the real truth is I can’t wait that long.

I need to have another pooch. I need to have a dog routine of some sort. It feels longer then just two weeks since Diva left. And by getting another dog it will fill up some of the emptiness I’m feeling. Not to replace diva because she really was one of a kind. But I can’t do this alone thing.

So I’m on the lookout for a new dog. Something small, Preferably healthy and full of personality. I’m definitely a dog owner & lover. Cats are great as well but not for me. I’m not really picky on breed but also don’t want to fork over more than say $600 as the most if I adopt.

Keep a lookout for a post of the new pooch when that happens.

I’m so emotionally broken

This morning is one of the worst mornings I’ve ever had including the day Diva left. It’s also been two weeks today I had to say goodbye to her. I can’t stop crying today and as I try to type this out tears are blurring my vision. I don’t know how long I can go without having another dog. My 6 month or year without a dog I don’t think I can emotionally do. I don’t want to replace diva because that will never happen but I can’t be by myself. This week has been so difficult mentally I feel like I’m going crazy.

I miss her sooooooooooooooo much. I miss having to feed her and walk her, and cuddle her, and have her next to me either on the sofa or my bed. I miss picking her up and carrying her, I miss everything I did with her and her being in my life. When I was at my parents I cuddled their dogs and got love from them. But coming home and realizing it’s empty. I go out and come home and I’m not greeted by her. I just miss her so fucking much it hurts.

I just don’t think I can go longer without a dog. She made me leave the house when I didn’t want too. Walks and to the park and seeing her so happy lifted my mood. And I come home now and it’s just sucks.

I want another dog