Trying To Figure This All Out

If you were to have asked me last year, how would you feel if your dog died? I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. Since her passing a lot has come forth onto my plate. Yesterday I pretty much binged watched the second season of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix and it brought a lot of emotions and feelings to the surface. Once again as did the first season when I watched that last year. The only difference is that Diva was alive then.

I’m also currently reading The Power Of Now

I’m just trying to figure this all out as best as I can. I’m hoping to get some clarity. A better understanding of everything. I’m trying to live each day as best as I can. And live in the Now.

Over the weekend I went to a beautiful church with some friends. They had holy water upon entering as well as candles you could light for a fee. The church is called Notre-Dame Cathedral Basilica. It’s a historic building that began in 1841 and is the largest and oldest standing church in the nations capital, It’s also Roman Catholic.

I decided to go this morning for some meditation. Maybe to talk in my head to something higher than me. Just something to help with everything.

Before going though I made the decision to first go to The Canadian Cancer Society to donate six wigs. I’ve held onto three medical grade high quality wigs. That I really love. And three costume type wigs as I call them for burlesque. The six wigs I donated, three of them were high quality medical grade wigs, mono part, hand tied and lace front, the other three were just regular wigs.

After I left there I went to the church. Upon entering I did the holy water. And went and found a spot. I did a little preying and some meditation then I went and lit a candle and went back to meditation.

After leaving I started to notice a lot of people were looking at me on the street it was really weird. Maybe it was the vibes I was giving off. I’m not totally sure to be honest but it was a tad strange. My plan is to go there more often to meditate. Today someone was playing the organ it was really beautiful.

So yeah just trying to figure this all out.

As best as I can.

Because that’s all I can do right!




The Deepest Corner Of My Thoughts

I wonder why I was born, why I was put on this earth, what the reason was on why I had to come back to earth what lessons did I need to learn. What is the story behind everything?. And why do I need to stay?. If I died tomorrow would I come back and live another shitty life?. Sure this life has had some happy moments, some amazing times. But for the most part it really hasn’t been all that great. What is my purpose? And why must each day pass but stay the same?.

I wish I chose a different path, that the story was someone else’s. That I was reborn in another time in another body. My deepest thoughts nobody really knows. I just keep going but not because I want to. Because people depend on me. I know if tomorrow didn’t come I I didn’t wake up. My family would be destroyed, my best friend would be pissed. And people would wonder why. I seem like a good person with my life some what together.

A happy go lucky girl. But the reality is the fucking reality is that I wish I wasn’t here anymore. They say suicide is being selfish, this is what I was told back when I used a kitchen knife to end everything. I was going through a very bad depression. I didn’t have a dog at the time. My friends circle was tiny. And I wasn’t happy! I thought by not being here I would no longer be a burden on anyone that’s how it’s not selfish as well making the unbearable pain stop within.

Ive been told that people are proud of me. I’ve come a long way but do you know how hard it is to hear this when you still feel like a loser. Social media is destroying everyone. Everyone’s  posts the perfect parts of them selves. Everyone has an opinion on everything . I still miss the guy I fell inlove with when I was 16. But it wasn’t really real because I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. And he fell inlove with someone who wasn’t being their  authentic self.

I used to wonder if UFOs were real but then I saw some in the sky once. At first I thought they were stars but then they shifted and moved in unison. So I know were not alone in this world. But it doesn’t change how I feel about what my story is supposed to be. Why was I put back on earth, what is the real reason why I’m back here?.

I used to think the reason was to teach people about being trans but now there are so many versions and stories and sides that I no longer know what my reason is.

Ever since I can remember I knew I was different. And when I knew this I just wanted a guy who I was attracted to love me for me. Sadly I met everyone who was wrong for me. They had different reasons for being with me. How I view my self is much different then how people view me. I don’t want to be sexually active with anyone unless I’m really dating them. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be committed to one person. And loving them on every level. I missed out on prom and even the lgbt one I went to as a teen I felt out of place. I’ve always felt out of place with the people I’ve ever been surrounded with. It’s like I’m the chick with mental problems and if people really knew who I was they would turn the other way and walk away. I guess I feel like that because I’m so used to it.

Its extremely difficult to change the mind pattern when that’s all you have ever known. Being bullied a shit ton. From kindergarten to public school to high school to even beauty school. Having child issues as a child and wanting to talk about it but feeling like you couldn’t. Being molested as a child on multiple occasions isn’t a great feeling. To not respecting your body to not caring. When you feel like you’re damaged goods. And nobody will ever get it or you just don’t care about what you do.

As I sit here and write these flowing thoughts as a single 38 years old trans woman. Truly feeling alone because her dog died of almost 11 years. Her soulmate was taken by cancer and I feel totally alone and tho I have my family and my best friend and a few others I can count on one hand. The rest are acquaintances. People I see sometimes some I’ve never met and though people say but you’re not alone others feel how your feeling. If this was the case then why do I always have to reach out to people?. Why do I have to care so much and why do I have to value friendships as mush as I do when it takes 50/50 for them to work not 90/10%. Everyday it’s all the same bullshit. Like, Comment, Post!

Social media is ruining society. But at the same time who would people be without it. You would have to talk to people you sit on the bus with. To ask the time if you didn’t wear a watch. Payphones or far and in between so good luck finding a clock. If you didn’t have a cell phone. If social media didn’t exist, you would have to call your friends or text them to see how they were. You couldn’t see their status. Or what things they saw on vacation there would be no photos. You couldn’t see where they were at every given time.

I’m done with men using me. I’m done with people abusing me. I’m done with bullshit and people who are fake. And I’m done with people who are not my true friends or have the best intentions. And I’m done with people who don’t value me as who I am. I’m done with bullshit. And I’m done with bad vibes.

Over this last month I’ve realized something. That I hate living by my self but I’d rather be by my self then be with someone who didn’t really love me for me and had my best intentions. That valued me as the woman that I am.

When Diva was alive she loved me for me. No man I don’t think ever did. Not that I’m aware of. They liked the idea. For whatever their reason. But who I am nope. I’m not talking about my bestfriend or close friends. But Diva was truely one of a kind. And she knew me better than any man ever did.

I wish I was with Diva right now!

Disclaimer: this in no way is a cry for help. Just some random thoughts feeling and emotions.

I Finally Met My Hair Goal

I can happily say my hair goal to having long hair has been met. Obviously when it’s not curled it’s a bit longer. I figure by Christmas it will be past my boobs. And when it’s in a ponytail it’s definitely longer then my faux one that I have. I had my hair complimented on a few times last night at my burlesque show. One of the performers asked if it was all natural.

Its taken me about four years to get here. And I wish I hadn’t done a few things to it but over all I’m very proud of my self of getting it this long. Since it’s never been like this in my life. The two photos on either side is one more fluffed then the other. I’m still working on growing out my bangs.

I do a deadend trim every three months or so mainly by taking the hair between my fingers and going down the hair shaft by trimming what pops out so I don’t loose length and if need be I’ll do a tiny trim on the ends if it needs it. I don’t use a blow dryer. I rarely use heat. I sleep on a silk pillow case and I do my root color about every two months. I will do an oil treatments every so often but not once a week.

I definitely have to say, wigs are fun for performing but wearing my own hair is way easier. Plus depending on the act I’m doing it’s less hassle. I like having options.



The Story Of Diva

After a bunch of personal issues. I really wanted my own dog. We have had family dogs over the years. At the time my mom had her dog. My brother had his and I really wanted my own. I went looking on Kijiji which is an ad based website.

The ad basically said 8month old Pomchi, looking to rehome her because of moving and can’t bring her. Comes with leash, Blanket, food and litter box.

Diva was litter box trained lol.

On May 3rd 2008 my father and I drove to go get her. There was still some snow on the grounds. The boyfriend invited us in. His girlfriend didn’t want to be there because she was attached to her. Diva looked at me and I looked at her and it was love at first sight. I picked her up in my arms and she settled right in. She was around 11lbs so she was a good weight.

Little did we know she had a tinkling problem. Her blatter would just empty out. It wasn’t a nervous habit. She didn’t even know she would let urin out. It was a minor flaw the owners didn’t mention. The vets we had taken her to at the time said they could try  surgery but it wouldn’t  necessarily fix the issue. Over the course in the beginning we tried everything from antibiotics to hormones nothing would fix the problem but the older she got the less of a mess she would make. She would get butt baths for the rest of her life just to make the area clean.

When I got her her name was Daisy personally I didn’t think it fit her personality and before that it was Spritzer. Not sure what they were thinking when they called her that. To me she looked like a Diva. She really was a Diva in every sense of the word.

Like I said she was litter box trained but then as she got taller her butt would hang over the side of it so I had to use potty pads next too it. Then I just started using them instead of the litter box. And then eventually she went outside and did her business with the other dogs in the backyard.

She grew up with a Cocker Spaniel named Duchess and a Pittbull named Addie.

Her and Addie became literally best friends. They were pretty much inseparable, always wanting to be together. If my brother took Addie for a walk Diva would cry. They played hard and they slept together a lot.

Diva was pretty easy to train, tricks were easy. I taught her how to walk off leash. Sit,stay & come. She was the most amazing dog ever. She never had any real health problems and till later in life.

She used to get car sick as a puppy and would vomit every time we took a car ride. So I’d have to bring a garbage bag with me just in case. Thankfully she grew out of it after a while lol.

I remember one time my brother and I went to the river. And his and my dog would go swimming. She loved that. Though I did have to bath her when we got home. I was lucky because Diva really didn’t mind getting bathed or even butt bathed and I’d use the blow dryer on her and she really didn’t mind. Plus she would get treats after so it was a win win.

Sadly tho later on a bunch of years later. My parents dog would have to go to Rainbow Bridge because of old age and a very high heart murmur she was almost 16years old. R.I.P..

Dutchess had moved with us from Pickering to Ottawa. She wasn’t a huge fan of Diva who would never let her play with toys and most the time either Diva would take them or Addie did.

Unfortunately a year or two passed tho my memory isn’t the greatest on exactly when but my brothers dog became very ill and had to join Dutchess. It was one of the worst days ever. R.I.P.

Diva was a tad lost for a while without Addie she knew she wasn’t feeling well. As time went on she then became the Queen of the house. She was pretty content playing with all the toys. After a while my parents wanted to get another dog. So they did, a little cute bundle of joy named Sophie. A King Charles Cavalier Spaniel.

How cute was she as a puppy. I fell in love with her right away. Like how could you not. Diva and her became the best of friends.

Then my parents got a second dog named Sasha she is a CavaPoo so a cross of a King Charles Cavalier and a Toy Poodle.

Diva wasn’t a huge fan of the new puppy, but she did eventually put up with her just enough that they would get a long, though more on Divas terms. And it had to be Diva’s idea to start the play other wise it just wasn’t going to happen.

Also before Diva was shaved down to her lioness cut & her alopecia kicked in. Her full fluffy fur coat looked like this. It was just gorgeous and super soft,

Here she is with her lioness cut

So because of her tinkling problem she ended up getting these red sores on her backend. Because her fur was so thick and long it was hard to keep the area dry. And instead of listening to my mother to just have her back area trimmed. I had her cut all over. Her fur did grow back though it took a long time.

And then her fur became thin. Her tail never grew back fully and she developed alopecia. Her fur did thin out all over. And her tail was pretty sad looking. Her and I ended up moving to an apartment and we would visit my parents house every weekend. Honestly there really isn’t many dogs around and I think she got a bit depressed. Except when I took her to the park to play. As you see above in that photo. She loved playing in the park and run off leash. She had the best smile ever!

Diva has been with me for almost 11 years. She’s been through brake ups,  surgeries, moves, a fire, amazing times and memories.

She was one in a million❤️🐾

R.I.P. My sweet baby girl

🐾Aug 24th 2007 – Feb 28th 2018🐾




Not Dealing With This Shit Again!

Honestly I’m fed up! One of the main reasons I stopped using dating apps was the bullshit. Since not using them in months I’ve been stress free of it all.

Last year a friend of mine a guy I have a long history with wanted to start spending time with me. His ex and him had recently split. It was fine at first but then he couldn’t make any real  commitments. So I said let’s just not do anything and remain friends since that is more important to me.

Check the video for all what’s been going down. Then leave your comments down blow and let me know what you 🤔 think?


Minimalism, Consumerism & Fast Fashion

I’m pretty much done with downsizing my belongings. What I’ve learned tho is you don’t have to own nothing to be a minimalist.

Now with consumerism and fast fashion. I’ve bought things that would be considered fast fashion but I’ve held on to items for years that are still stylish and look good. I guess I would say I’m a smart shopper.

The top above is new bought at Fairweathers. It didn’t cost a ton but it looks great and I can wear it like that or off the shoulders. It would look great with white skinny jeans, white shorts, jean shorts, jeans & skirts.

I don’t really buy much in the line of cloths anymore. I do think tho sometimes you have to replace items like foot wear,  undergarments, and that sort of thing. So when I do decide to buy a piece of clothing I’m more picky as to what it is. I do own pieces that I don’t believe are fast fashion. I’ve never really been one who bought things that were overly trendy or what’s in every season.

If I like a piece and I like how it fits then that’s what makes me want to buy it. Like the top above is a size large, when I went to the store originally I tried a size Medium and it wasn’t fitting right and I put it back. But when I went back a week later they had a large and it fit great.

I would say my style has evolved, and I’d condsider to have some style more so now than before. I love the pieces I own and I really have to love something now before I purchase.

I do find it hard to go to malls or shops and want to buy things I don’t need from being a shopaholic before. So I limit my self from going. I will only really go now if I need something. Which is now more rare which is good.

I used to use shopping to fill a void and or fill a gap but then as soon as I bought it the high would then in turn to feeling bad about what I had bought.

What I’ll do now is really think about it. And if I don’t love it. It doesn’t come home with me. And I’ve passed up many things.

When it comes to home decor. I’ve also down sized a lot of things. But I’m done decluttering. My storage room I can walk into now which is awesome. Even nail polish I’ve down sized. Owning 30 bottles of nail polish but you only ever wear a few colours it’s kinda pointless plus it does go bad after a while so make sure to clean out. Which is what I did or gave away.

Anyways. I’m much more into being smart with what I spend my money on as well because I’m limiting my spending.  I’m actually saving money and I’m not completely strapped for cash like I was.

Yay me!

Postpartum Depression & Grief

After seeing my therapist yesterday she said that I’m currently going through postpartum depression only with this new puppy that I had got, even though I didn’t give birth to her I’m going through the emotions. And the loss of Diva has really effected me deeply. She asked how I felt and I said numb. She had said “That’s just the beginning stages of grief”. My moods are up and down. Some days I cry and other days I don’t. Some days I’m in better moods and some days I’m not.

I wish I was in love with this new puppy but I’m just not there. I feel guilty for feeling this way and I feel bad for feeling guilty it’s a fucked up way. Some days I feel like I’m going crazy with all of it. My parents are going to look after Coco for me. She’s gotten attached to them as well their dogs.

Even though everyone said I should get her and talked my self into it. It was just to soon. I wasn’t and still am not ready. And I don’t know when I will be to be honest. Some people can just snap back into it. But I’m just not that type.

Diva was my soul mate and was everything to me. She was there when no one else was. And I’m still devastated that’s she’s gone.

I wish I was in love with Coco but I’m just not! I like her a lot but in my head it’s like but she’s not my dog. It’s a very surreal feeling. And ever where I look at my parents house or mine I think but Diva was just here. And poof she’s gone. One minute and the next no more.

Miss You Diva🐾

Having A Rough Time

Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. You try and put on a happy face. You say your okay when your not and you try to go back to a routine. Then you get a new puppy and bam. Your still not okay. I don’t feel that connected to this new dog. I feel guilty for feeling this way. But it’s how I feel.

Also spending the time I have at my parents house I’ve missed. When your so used to living with people and then you live just by yourself it’s a huge difference.

It’s also extremely lonely living by yourself. If I don’t reach out to people first, typically I will never hear from anyone. And honestly it fucking sucks.

Except my best friend and a few friends. Everyone else it’s me having to reach out to them first. I’ve also kinda lost interest in burlesque.

I miss Diva immensely like a part of my heart died with her. I just think life sucks right now. People say be strong it will get better. But like really will it really get better?. My apartment building is bullshit!. The apartment itself is great the layout is awesome where it’s at isn’t. All the trauma I’ve experienced hasn’t gone away and since Diva passed everything just sucks right now!.

That’s how I honestly feel. Also the dating pool is crap. My employment services I was using they suck. Not that I’m in any mental shape to be working right now anyways but. I feel lost that’s how I feel. I feel lost, I’m eternally broken and I throw on a smile and say I’m okay so I don’t burden people with my crap.

I know tomorrow is a new day and positive thinking is blah blah blah but I’m not doing well!.

New YouTube Channel Name

Honestly it’s gone in such a different direction that it just is more fitting to have a new name that’s more fun and is much more me. It’s called Lana & Pawz 🐾

I mean it’s me and my dogs channel. And when Coco comes home it will be her and I. When Diva was alive it was her and I as well. So might as well rename the channel to be more fitting.

Also my instagram account is under @LanaNPawz

So if you want to check that out your more then welcome.