Becoming Stronger!

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I think of Diva daily. I’ll re watch my old YouTube videos just to see her. I’m able to smile and think of the good memories we had together. I’m not crying as much as I was. This month of May really is my first one back at my apartment full-time. Except for this weekend as I’m house / dog sitting for my parents.

I’ve read a bunch on grieving and there’s no set time limit and there are many feelings and emotions a person can feel after losing a pet especially if they were your only companion which she was the last three years. Living in my apartment together.

I try not to think about when she got cancer, and have been trying to just focus on the past good times because we had more of those then bad. I’ve started to workout again at least twice a week is my goal. Last week as far as that goes went well. I’m back doing burlesque which is a nice distraction. I’m able to sleep pretty well. I do still talk to her and ask every night if she will visit me in my dreams. I don’t know if she does because when I do fall sleep Im out cold till I wake up. I do find it hard to be at my parents house sometimes because that’s where she was last. But it’s getting better.

Somedays are obviously going to be better than others. It’s werid to see past memories Facebook shows me of Diva and think she was just here. Laying in a dog bed or my old room or even in my apartment like I can see it clear as day in my memory but then look over and she’s not there. That’s the surreal part!.

Also Coco has been living with my parents. I had her the first week when she was 6 weeks and she’s been at my parents living fulltime every since. She been well taken care of and they love her including their dogs. As of right now she’s their dog. Getting her wasn’t the best plan nor was it the right time for me.

In my head she just isn’t my dog. Not right now and I don’t know if she will be down the road. Only time will be able to tell. My heart is still 💔 broken. I’m trying to just work this all out as best as I can. My parents say it’s taking me longer because I’m more sensitive but really there is no set time on when one person can move on because everyone is different. This is what I have read. It’s like losing a child or a parent or what have you. One person will do it differently from the next.

Diva has made her self known to me this past month a few times. That was really nice to hear her. I don’t feel it much at my parents house maybe because her ashes aren’t there or maybe because she just wants me to hear her.

It has been nice though and I have slowly started to enjoy my apartment without all the dog things. You can see my bed spread and no dog toys scattered all over the place. I also don’t feel bad about feeling that way as I first did. I’m also feeling less guilty about letting her go to the other side. She was sick and would have just become worse over time.

I guess one of the reasons it’s taking longer for me is because I was already dealing with other shit in therapy and then this was just icing on the cake. It’s also true under the hard shell I’ve built up I’m a sensitive softy. Where I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now it’s under layers of protective spikes. I try and stay strong as best as I can because I dislike showing my weakness. But when I do it all comes to the surface.

Have I felt suicidal thoughts yes, do I wish sometimes I wasn’t here most definitely is it all because of Diva no. My life has just been difficult and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. And say to hell with all of it.

But the reality is if I did any of that and ended things years ago or even now then I wouldn’t have experienced everything that I have or will experience in the coming days / months or years. That even though a lot of crap has happened a lot of good has also happened like getting Diva. If I had been successful with ending things before getting her then I would have never felt the deep love and  appreciation for her. Nor would I have met my bestfriend Pierre. Got into Burlesque and all the other amazing memories I’ve experienced and will experience moving forward.

I know everything happens for a reason, sometimes we know what they are and other times we don’t. But I hope this will make me become a stronger person.

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Dear Early 30’s You

So many things are about to happen that you will experience and so many hurdles you are about to live. You’re 30th birthday was one hell of a party. Surrounded by amazing people and your best-friend. Diva was right there beside you making memories with you.

Unfortunately your older brother hit a rough patch in his life and you had to endure some crap. You also hit a road block with your best-friend and your life is about to get rough. Get prepared because you’re gonna wish you were back to being a teenager.

Remember it will get tough before it gets better and remember

I Love You 🤟🏻

Dear Late 20’s You

A dark tunnel is upon you. There is no light there is no way out. A kitchen knife so sharp it sliced through your skin like tissue paper. Depression has taken you hostage and food has become the addiction. But if I could tell you then there will be a light 💡 there will be a way out you won’t feel so alone.

You will over come your struggles and how you feel about yourself. You will take ownership of your body and your mind. You will become in charge of how you see your life and you will get the surgeries to better match how your body is within your  brain.

Just wait things are about to get better. You are very strong intelligent and smart and when you put your mind into something and make the decision to get something done you follow through.

Life is about to get better just wait and see your 30’s are about to be the best years of your life yet. Oh and remember I Love You!.

Dear Early 20s You

You got through high school even though it was rough and tough you made it through. You always had that dream of becoming who you always wanted to be and it finally became light the summer of 2000.

You made the right decision to finally let out the girl within you. Sure there was a whole new world out there you didn’t expect or knew and though it was scary you did make it through. Even though you reverted back to your old life a few times because of the unknown and unhappiness. When you make your mind up you do  eventually see it through.

If I could have told you then that you are amazing I would have and you will meet the most amazing people ever in the future just wait.

I Love You 😘

Dear Teens You

You took a drink to many

you tried drugs and did to many

you tried to push who you were away

you slept around

you felt alone

 

it wasn’t their fault

though you felt it was

they didn’t have the right information

they didn’t have all the services they have now

 

they love you no matter what

they really would do anything for you

even though you felt alone

you really weren’t

 

you were loved than

your loved now

They love you 😘

I love you 😘

Dear Early Teens You

Please forgive your self.

The future you, the You who is writing to the younger you wants to let you know that your body image dreams do come true. The person you so wanted to become does in fact become a reality. It was not an easy road if anything it was a very hard road with a lot of bumps and curves and bends but it’s brought fun amazing crazy wild moments with it as well.

Id also like to say that where you went the path you went down the mistakes you made, also made you the person who survived the person who took control of where your path went. Even though you made mistakes and even though you had some unfortunate events. You made it out as a stronger individual. You are so much more than you even realize.

You had a hard time sometimes you brought things on your self and other times it was just how the cards were laid out before you. But you made it out onto the other side and became a stronger person.

You are loved

I Love ❤️ You!!!!

Dear You

I know growing up was difficult. You had a hard time learning, and information wasn’t something that came to you easy. If anything it was extremely hard to learn everything. From not speaking and till the age of 4-5 years old. Friends were hard to make being extremely shy didn’t help.

And being put into a  special ed class was not a fun experience. You were loved! I know moving around was not easy on you a new house 🏡 a new neighbourhood and usually a new school. An tho for your brother who could easily talk to people for you it wasn’t that way. You had no control over it and sadly your safe space was up rooted time and time again.

It was perfectly okay to be upset 😭. It was okay to cry and it was okay to be annoyed 😒. You were a child that needed a safe space. But remember even tho you had difficulty you were always loved!!!. And even though you didn’t love yourself. Your family loved you very much as I now love you too!!!!!.

If only you loved yourself as much as I love you now!!!!