You’re Not Here

It’s still so surreal that you’re not here

This new routine I have is so weird

Your face is ingrained in my memory

I see a photo or video and my thoughts flash to that time

I miss you everyday

I stay out late now

No returning to feed you or give water

No brushing or clipping of your nails

No waking up beside you because you’re not there

Saying your name gives me comfort

Morning & Night

When I leave and come back

It brings me comfort like your still here

but you’re not

I miss you everyday

Its so different being on my own

Though I’m getting more comfortable

It’s still surreal that you’re not here

You’re Not Here

By

Lana Poulson

Advertisements

Becoming Stronger!

596D6781-E5A3-48F1-966C-5EC6507FD1DE

I think of Diva daily. I’ll re watch my old YouTube videos just to see her. I’m able to smile and think of the good memories we had together. I’m not crying as much as I was. This month of May really is my first one back at my apartment full-time. Except for this weekend as I’m house / dog sitting for my parents.

I’ve read a bunch on grieving and there’s no set time limit and there are many feelings and emotions a person can feel after losing a pet especially if they were your only companion which she was the last three years. Living in my apartment together.

I try not to think about when she got cancer, and have been trying to just focus on the past good times because we had more of those then bad. I’ve started to workout again at least twice a week is my goal. Last week as far as that goes went well. I’m back doing burlesque which is a nice distraction. I’m able to sleep pretty well. I do still talk to her and ask every night if she will visit me in my dreams. I don’t know if she does because when I do fall sleep Im out cold till I wake up. I do find it hard to be at my parents house sometimes because that’s where she was last. But it’s getting better.

Somedays are obviously going to be better than others. It’s werid to see past memories Facebook shows me of Diva and think she was just here. Laying in a dog bed or my old room or even in my apartment like I can see it clear as day in my memory but then look over and she’s not there. That’s the surreal part!.

Also Coco has been living with my parents. I had her the first week when she was 6 weeks and she’s been at my parents living fulltime every since. She been well taken care of and they love her including their dogs. As of right now she’s their dog. Getting her wasn’t the best plan nor was it the right time for me.

In my head she just isn’t my dog. Not right now and I don’t know if she will be down the road. Only time will be able to tell. My heart is still 💔 broken. I’m trying to just work this all out as best as I can. My parents say it’s taking me longer because I’m more sensitive but really there is no set time on when one person can move on because everyone is different. This is what I have read. It’s like losing a child or a parent or what have you. One person will do it differently from the next.

Diva has made her self known to me this past month a few times. That was really nice to hear her. I don’t feel it much at my parents house maybe because her ashes aren’t there or maybe because she just wants me to hear her.

It has been nice though and I have slowly started to enjoy my apartment without all the dog things. You can see my bed spread and no dog toys scattered all over the place. I also don’t feel bad about feeling that way as I first did. I’m also feeling less guilty about letting her go to the other side. She was sick and would have just become worse over time.

I guess one of the reasons it’s taking longer for me is because I was already dealing with other shit in therapy and then this was just icing on the cake. It’s also true under the hard shell I’ve built up I’m a sensitive softy. Where I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now it’s under layers of protective spikes. I try and stay strong as best as I can because I dislike showing my weakness. But when I do it all comes to the surface.

Have I felt suicidal thoughts yes, do I wish sometimes I wasn’t here most definitely is it all because of Diva no. My life has just been difficult and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. And say to hell with all of it.

But the reality is if I did any of that and ended things years ago or even now then I wouldn’t have experienced everything that I have or will experience in the coming days / months or years. That even though a lot of crap has happened a lot of good has also happened like getting Diva. If I had been successful with ending things before getting her then I would have never felt the deep love and  appreciation for her. Nor would I have met my bestfriend Pierre. Got into Burlesque and all the other amazing memories I’ve experienced and will experience moving forward.

I know everything happens for a reason, sometimes we know what they are and other times we don’t. But I hope this will make me become a stronger person.

The Story Of Diva

After a bunch of personal issues. I really wanted my own dog. We have had family dogs over the years. At the time my mom had her dog. My brother had his and I really wanted my own. I went looking on Kijiji which is an ad based website.

The ad basically said 8month old Pomchi, looking to rehome her because of moving and can’t bring her. Comes with leash, Blanket, food and litter box.

Diva was litter box trained lol.

On May 3rd 2008 my father and I drove to go get her. There was still some snow on the grounds. The boyfriend invited us in. His girlfriend didn’t want to be there because she was attached to her. Diva looked at me and I looked at her and it was love at first sight. I picked her up in my arms and she settled right in. She was around 11lbs so she was a good weight.

Little did we know she had a tinkling problem. Her blatter would just empty out. It wasn’t a nervous habit. She didn’t even know she would let urin out. It was a minor flaw the owners didn’t mention. The vets we had taken her to at the time said they could try  surgery but it wouldn’t  necessarily fix the issue. Over the course in the beginning we tried everything from antibiotics to hormones nothing would fix the problem but the older she got the less of a mess she would make. She would get butt baths for the rest of her life just to make the area clean.

When I got her her name was Daisy personally I didn’t think it fit her personality and before that it was Spritzer. Not sure what they were thinking when they called her that. To me she looked like a Diva. She really was a Diva in every sense of the word.

Like I said she was litter box trained but then as she got taller her butt would hang over the side of it so I had to use potty pads next too it. Then I just started using them instead of the litter box. And then eventually she went outside and did her business with the other dogs in the backyard.

She grew up with a Cocker Spaniel named Duchess and a Pittbull named Addie.

Her and Addie became literally best friends. They were pretty much inseparable, always wanting to be together. If my brother took Addie for a walk Diva would cry. They played hard and they slept together a lot.

Diva was pretty easy to train, tricks were easy. I taught her how to walk off leash. Sit,stay & come. She was the most amazing dog ever. She never had any real health problems and till later in life.

She used to get car sick as a puppy and would vomit every time we took a car ride. So I’d have to bring a garbage bag with me just in case. Thankfully she grew out of it after a while lol.

I remember one time my brother and I went to the river. And his and my dog would go swimming. She loved that. Though I did have to bath her when we got home. I was lucky because Diva really didn’t mind getting bathed or even butt bathed and I’d use the blow dryer on her and she really didn’t mind. Plus she would get treats after so it was a win win.

Sadly tho later on a bunch of years later. My parents dog would have to go to Rainbow Bridge because of old age and a very high heart murmur she was almost 16years old. R.I.P..

Dutchess had moved with us from Pickering to Ottawa. She wasn’t a huge fan of Diva who would never let her play with toys and most the time either Diva would take them or Addie did.

Unfortunately a year or two passed tho my memory isn’t the greatest on exactly when but my brothers dog became very ill and had to join Dutchess. It was one of the worst days ever. R.I.P.

Diva was a tad lost for a while without Addie she knew she wasn’t feeling well. As time went on she then became the Queen of the house. She was pretty content playing with all the toys. After a while my parents wanted to get another dog. So they did, a little cute bundle of joy named Sophie. A King Charles Cavalier Spaniel.

How cute was she as a puppy. I fell in love with her right away. Like how could you not. Diva and her became the best of friends.

Then my parents got a second dog named Sasha she is a CavaPoo so a cross of a King Charles Cavalier and a Toy Poodle.

Diva wasn’t a huge fan of the new puppy, but she did eventually put up with her just enough that they would get a long, though more on Divas terms. And it had to be Diva’s idea to start the play other wise it just wasn’t going to happen.

Also before Diva was shaved down to her lioness cut & her alopecia kicked in. Her full fluffy fur coat looked like this. It was just gorgeous and super soft,

Here she is with her lioness cut

So because of her tinkling problem she ended up getting these red sores on her backend. Because her fur was so thick and long it was hard to keep the area dry. And instead of listening to my mother to just have her back area trimmed. I had her cut all over. Her fur did grow back though it took a long time.

And then her fur became thin. Her tail never grew back fully and she developed alopecia. Her fur did thin out all over. And her tail was pretty sad looking. Her and I ended up moving to an apartment and we would visit my parents house every weekend. Honestly there really isn’t many dogs around and I think she got a bit depressed. Except when I took her to the park to play. As you see above in that photo. She loved playing in the park and run off leash. She had the best smile ever!

Diva has been with me for almost 11 years. She’s been through brake ups,  surgeries, moves, a fire, amazing times and memories.

She was one in a million❤️🐾

R.I.P. My sweet baby girl

🐾Aug 24th 2007 – Feb 28th 2018🐾

 

 

 

Postpartum Depression & Grief

After seeing my therapist yesterday she said that I’m currently going through postpartum depression only with this new puppy that I had got, even though I didn’t give birth to her I’m going through the emotions. And the loss of Diva has really effected me deeply. She asked how I felt and I said numb. She had said “That’s just the beginning stages of grief”. My moods are up and down. Some days I cry and other days I don’t. Some days I’m in better moods and some days I’m not.

I wish I was in love with this new puppy but I’m just not there. I feel guilty for feeling this way and I feel bad for feeling guilty it’s a fucked up way. Some days I feel like I’m going crazy with all of it. My parents are going to look after Coco for me. She’s gotten attached to them as well their dogs.

Even though everyone said I should get her and talked my self into it. It was just to soon. I wasn’t and still am not ready. And I don’t know when I will be to be honest. Some people can just snap back into it. But I’m just not that type.

Diva was my soul mate and was everything to me. She was there when no one else was. And I’m still devastated that’s she’s gone.

I wish I was in love with Coco but I’m just not! I like her a lot but in my head it’s like but she’s not my dog. It’s a very surreal feeling. And ever where I look at my parents house or mine I think but Diva was just here. And poof she’s gone. One minute and the next no more.

Miss You Diva🐾

Having A Rough Time

Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. You try and put on a happy face. You say your okay when your not and you try to go back to a routine. Then you get a new puppy and bam. Your still not okay. I don’t feel that connected to this new dog. I feel guilty for feeling this way. But it’s how I feel.

Also spending the time I have at my parents house I’ve missed. When your so used to living with people and then you live just by yourself it’s a huge difference.

It’s also extremely lonely living by yourself. If I don’t reach out to people first, typically I will never hear from anyone. And honestly it fucking sucks.

Except my best friend and a few friends. Everyone else it’s me having to reach out to them first. I’ve also kinda lost interest in burlesque.

I miss Diva immensely like a part of my heart died with her. I just think life sucks right now. People say be strong it will get better. But like really will it really get better?. My apartment building is bullshit!. The apartment itself is great the layout is awesome where it’s at isn’t. All the trauma I’ve experienced hasn’t gone away and since Diva passed everything just sucks right now!.

That’s how I honestly feel. Also the dating pool is crap. My employment services I was using they suck. Not that I’m in any mental shape to be working right now anyways but. I feel lost that’s how I feel. I feel lost, I’m eternally broken and I throw on a smile and say I’m okay so I don’t burden people with my crap.

I know tomorrow is a new day and positive thinking is blah blah blah but I’m not doing well!.

I’m so emotionally broken

This morning is one of the worst mornings I’ve ever had including the day Diva left. It’s also been two weeks today I had to say goodbye to her. I can’t stop crying today and as I try to type this out tears are blurring my vision. I don’t know how long I can go without having another dog. My 6 month or year without a dog I don’t think I can emotionally do. I don’t want to replace diva because that will never happen but I can’t be by myself. This week has been so difficult mentally I feel like I’m going crazy.

I miss her sooooooooooooooo much. I miss having to feed her and walk her, and cuddle her, and have her next to me either on the sofa or my bed. I miss picking her up and carrying her, I miss everything I did with her and her being in my life. When I was at my parents I cuddled their dogs and got love from them. But coming home and realizing it’s empty. I go out and come home and I’m not greeted by her. I just miss her so fucking much it hurts.

I just don’t think I can go longer without a dog. She made me leave the house when I didn’t want too. Walks and to the park and seeing her so happy lifted my mood. And I come home now and it’s just sucks.

I want another dog

Resting Paws Cemetery & Crematorium Inc.

It’s been one hell of a week. And I’m back to being sick 🤒. Diva passed February 28th and I had her privately cremated on March 3rd. We went with Resting Paws Ottawa. And I must say they are exceptional people Patrick & his wife Sabine. They took care of everything and after I said my final goodbyes to her pictured above. We came back about an hour later and I was given a beautiful handmade wooden urn with her ashes back. They really respect your wishes and it was nice to see her one last time.

It’s still very surreal that she’s gone. She has come to me in my dreams twice now. And yesterday morning I heard foot steps in the hall. But none of my parents dogs were around. So I know it was diva making her presence known. The next little while it’s going to be difficult and will take some time to get used too. It’s just such a strange feeling. That she’s not at my parents or even at my apartment. Like she will never greet me at the door again or bark when someone knocks on the door. Or having to use her bark collar on her when I leave so she doesn’t annoy the neighbours.

Or doing little butt baths for her. Or using my pink hair dryer on her. Or washing her towels once a week. So many things that you become accustomed to doing on a daily bases  and having to get a brand new routine. It’s such an odd feeling to feel. I can’t say I’d want to feel it again for a while. This whole experience has been shitty to feel. And losing ten pounds I didn’t think would even happen. Who knew you could lose weight by stress not me. And my stupid cold which I thought was going away is now back full throttle.

I would definitely recommend home hospice as well the service from Resting Paws Ottawa to people who want that final bit of closure.

 

🐾Baby Girl🐾

Diva’s last day is happening on my best friends birthday 🎂. Ideally it was set for Thursday at noon but that time doesn’t work for the dr so it was either 8pm Thursday or two times on Wednesday I chose 12pm. It’s bitter sweet in a way as well because when I got Diva it wasn’t a super great day as in weather wise. It was also in the day time when I got her as well. They are calling for rain on Wednesday.

I did do some reading on what to expect and towels come into place because they usually end up letting their blatter go and sometimes bowels, I also read their eyes can stay open but I feel if she’s in my arms and she is already on pain meds plus the sedative she will fall asleep. I also plan to place her into the drs vehicle my self. 

I wont be there for the private cremation. Though was told I could watch if I so chose too. My emotions come in waves. My IBS has done a number and the headaches are getting on my nerves. I’ve also lost about five pounds and it’s not because I’m not eating because I am. But I think 🤔 it’s the stress of all of it.

Tomorrow which is Tuesday I’ll be doing a paw ink print of her foot in pink as well a clay impression. I plan to get her paw tattooed at some point on me. I read also a great article about when your animal passes and the material things that are left behind, you can see that article by clicking ME.

I’ve also been working on a video in memory of her and have been adding to it constantly and will keep adding to it and till she passes. Right now it’s at around 45 minutes. With photos, video clips and music. There will never be another dog like her. But there will be other dogs.

So far I’ve raised almost all of the money that I need to pay for everything. I’m blessed to have all the donations as well family and friends that have reached out to me.

Honestly you never quite know what true unconditional love is and till you get an animal. Because they love you no matter what.