I’m so emotionally broken

This morning is one of the worst mornings I’ve ever had including the day Diva left. It’s also been two weeks today I had to say goodbye to her. I can’t stop crying today and as I try to type this out tears are blurring my vision. I don’t know how long I can go without having another dog. My 6 month or year without a dog I don’t think I can emotionally do. I don’t want to replace diva because that will never happen but I can’t be by myself. This week has been so difficult mentally I feel like I’m going crazy.

I miss her sooooooooooooooo much. I miss having to feed her and walk her, and cuddle her, and have her next to me either on the sofa or my bed. I miss picking her up and carrying her, I miss everything I did with her and her being in my life. When I was at my parents I cuddled their dogs and got love from them. But coming home and realizing it’s empty. I go out and come home and I’m not greeted by her. I just miss her so fucking much it hurts.

I just don’t think I can go longer without a dog. She made me leave the house when I didn’t want too. Walks and to the park and seeing her so happy lifted my mood. And I come home now and it’s just sucks.

I want another dog


Resting Paws Cemetery & Crematorium Inc.

It’s been one hell of a week. And I’m back to being sick 🤒. Diva passed February 28th and I had her privately cremated on March 3rd. We went with Resting Paws Ottawa. And I must say they are exceptional people Patrick & his wife Sabine. They took care of everything and after I said my final goodbyes to her pictured above. We came back about an hour later and I was given a beautiful handmade wooden urn with her ashes back. They really respect your wishes and it was nice to see her one last time.

It’s still very surreal that she’s gone. She has come to me in my dreams twice now. And yesterday morning I heard foot steps in the hall. But none of my parents dogs were around. So I know it was diva making her presence known. The next little while it’s going to be difficult and will take some time to get used too. It’s just such a strange feeling. That she’s not at my parents or even at my apartment. Like she will never greet me at the door again or bark when someone knocks on the door. Or having to use her bark collar on her when I leave so she doesn’t annoy the neighbours.

Or doing little butt baths for her. Or using my pink hair dryer on her. Or washing her towels once a week. So many things that you become accustomed to doing on a daily bases  and having to get a brand new routine. It’s such an odd feeling to feel. I can’t say I’d want to feel it again for a while. This whole experience has been shitty to feel. And losing ten pounds I didn’t think would even happen. Who knew you could lose weight by stress not me. And my stupid cold which I thought was going away is now back full throttle.

I would definitely recommend home hospice as well the service from Resting Paws Ottawa to people who want that final bit of closure.



🐾In Loving Memory My Soulmate Diva🐾


🐾Baby Girl🐾

Diva’s last day is happening on my best friends birthday 🎂. Ideally it was set for Thursday at noon but that time doesn’t work for the dr so it was either 8pm Thursday or two times on Wednesday I chose 12pm. It’s bitter sweet in a way as well because when I got Diva it wasn’t a super great day as in weather wise. It was also in the day time when I got her as well. They are calling for rain on Wednesday.

I did do some reading on what to expect and towels come into place because they usually end up letting their blatter go and sometimes bowels, I also read their eyes can stay open but I feel if she’s in my arms and she is already on pain meds plus the sedative she will fall asleep. I also plan to place her into the drs vehicle my self. 

I wont be there for the private cremation. Though was told I could watch if I so chose too. My emotions come in waves. My IBS has done a number and the headaches are getting on my nerves. I’ve also lost about five pounds and it’s not because I’m not eating because I am. But I think 🤔 it’s the stress of all of it.

Tomorrow which is Tuesday I’ll be doing a paw ink print of her foot in pink as well a clay impression. I plan to get her paw tattooed at some point on me. I read also a great article about when your animal passes and the material things that are left behind, you can see that article by clicking ME.

I’ve also been working on a video in memory of her and have been adding to it constantly and will keep adding to it and till she passes. Right now it’s at around 45 minutes. With photos, video clips and music. There will never be another dog like her. But there will be other dogs.

So far I’ve raised almost all of the money that I need to pay for everything. I’m blessed to have all the donations as well family and friends that have reached out to me.

Honestly you never quite know what true unconditional love is and till you get an animal. Because they love you no matter what.



My Beloved Diva🐾

Dear WordPress

I’m utterly devastated to share this news with everyone. I found out yesterday evening at 5:50pm the test results. The thing on her paw is a Mass Cell Cancer Tumour it is high grade. Instead of taking her to the vet to have her stress out and get anxiety I’ve decided to make the best decision to do home hospice.

Home hospice is when they come to your home and your animal can go in peace and as comfortable as possible. I’m at my family’s home. I’ve decided who I will go with since there are two options for the best service.

I’ve had two friends already donate some money towards her hospice care. I’ve also created a Go Fund Me Page called Divas Hospice Care if you do choose to donate any amount is great. And it will go to pay for the services as well cremation of her.

It saddens me and has devastated me beyond anything I’ve ever felt. Next week I’ll be sharing on my YouTube channel my last and final video of her. And I don’t know when I’ll be back on it.

Going forward my plan is to take some me time to grieve. Then to live without an animal for a little while and when I’m ready then I’ll more then likely become a foster dog parent. To help dogs that need a safe space before getting adopted and if and when the right dog comes to me and doesn’t want to go then I’ll adopt them.

I’ve had a headache almost all day, I feel dehydrated from crying and have been drinking loads of water. And I’ve been snapping photos and videos of Diva. I even took her to the park so she could run off leash and play. I’ll most likely take her to the park near my parents place tomorrow if she’s up for it.

I won’t be blogging for a little while as I take some time off social media.

Thankyou to everyone who’s following along in this painful journey. And I’m sorry to anyone who’s in the same position as I am who’s having to say goodbye to their best friend.

Again to donate you can do so by going to this link Divas Hospice Care


Mini Diva Update🐶

Diva is now taking pain meds and antibiotics. Still waiting on test results. Her loose tooth fell out yesterday and she hops on three legs in the apartment. Her walks are short and not for long she will do her business and then I pick her up to limit her walking. Since she will walk on the paw that’s sore. Leaving her alone by her self breaks my heart because she doesn’t leave her paw alone for long. The Victorian collar doesn’t work and yesterday I had to go out and I gave her half a melatonin pill to kinda knock her out a little, thinking maybe she would leave her paw alone but that didn’t work. Melatonin can help with  separation anxiety but it didn’t do anything for Diva. I’m hoping the pain medication and antibiotics will relieve some of the discomfort.

The vet told me it’s most likely cancer we just don’t know exactly what kind. So and till the results come back it’s a guessing game at this point.

Will update as soon as I find out.


Small Health Update On Diva

Finally took her to the vet yesterday. They took some samples from her paw and sent them in for further testing. So we will finally find out what exactly is going on. The vet didn’t detect a heart murmur and said sometimes depending on how they breath can make their heart beat differently so at this rate I’m confused on if she does or doesn’t have one because I’ve now heard three different things.

Also her breath may stink a touch because she’s got a loose tooth. But having it removed I can’t afford at this moment. It’s not bothering her so it can fall out by it’s self at this rate. I had also bought a new Victorian collar from the vet that was fitted for her. The vet said to keep her paw dry and bandaged for two days then to clean it and rebandage it.

But I went out last night and when I returned home what do you think she managed to do. ripped into the toe removed the insides of the pad and yeah. So here’s me at 1:25am having to reclean and bandage the damn thing. I was livid! To say the least. They need to make those collars so they can’t get at any of their paws period!

No idea what I’m gonna do about her. Seriously 😳 it bothers me! Anyways that was not something I wanted to come home too.

I’ll find out in 7 to 10 days what’s up with her results and then will then figure it out from there. Update will follow when I know what’s going on.



Diva’s Health Update

When we were at the vet last to treat her vaginitis she also had a small cyst on her paw between her two toes. The vet put her on antibiotics and said it should clear both of them up. Well her interdigital cyst didn’t go away. In fact it’s grown to a pretty decent size.

I’ve been doing  epson salt soaks,  peroxide cleaning, using  polysporin. And when I go out I wrap her paw in vet wrap, dog sock, I’ve even done the  victorian caller as well the other two combined. Though when I return home the sock and vet wrap has been removed. But she’s still wearing the collar.

Shes been getting half of a Benadryl pill. But not sure it’s helping. She will be seeing the vet later this month. And I think we will do the biopsy to see what it is for sure. I’ve been talking to the vet through email.

Also her breath stinks and her vaginitis is back im pretty sure. Her breath just stinks almost like her paw. It’s weird. She doesn’t have much energy here. Even though she does at my parents. And her cyst doesn’t ooze it bleeds. Ugh less walks for her as well and she’s hates when I leave. Ever since the fire happened in the building she hasn’t been the same since. Very clingy, follows me practically everywhere I go.

That’s  the latest with Diva. Will update after we see the vet in the next few weeks.


Diva Update

Well as she gets older she gets to deal with aging fun stuff. The last post was last July. She is now 10 years of age. Her poop issue was 99% likely because of the trash incident. We have since learned about that. Moving forward she had a spat of a vaginitis. Cleared that up but also she had a cyst between her toes front left paw. Surgery is out of the question because they can multiply the vet said and surgery and her age just isn’t a good mix.

So we have been doing epsom salt soaks for her as well cleaning it with peroxide and then using polysporin. The hard part is getting her not to chew at her paw when I’m out. I have Vet Wrap for when I go out to wrap her paw as well dog socks which are cotton with little grips for when I’m home. It was getting better but then last night I had tried a dog sock and vet wrap around and she’s managed to remove the sock. So tonight when I go out it will just be the vet wrap. I prey she leaves it alone.

Other than that she’s doing well.