It’s becoming better

Each day is getting slightly better. Though I’m still sleeping with my curtains open. And having to listen to sleepy music in my ears. I’ve down graded so many of my personal belongings but I feel 100% great about that. I now own one expensive hair brush. A few Jon Renau wide tooth combs which are great for detangling bio hair and one big wide tooth comb. The jeans I had up on Facebook market didn’t sell so I gave those away. I removed two shower curtains so now I own one beautiful fabric one. Honestly living with less stuff just feels good.

And then of course I’m gonna say this lol I did buy a new carpet runner for my front hall and threw out a small rug that has definitely seen better days and though I’ve washed it a bunch of times it did it’s job. I also feel like with living with less it would be easier to move when that time comes.  Obviously you should really love your personal belongings and if they are no longer making you feel joy or just love the items you own then you should either remove them or replace or donate or sell.

Also my just over all style has also changed and it may have been brought to the forefront more so with this fire taking place. I have been wanting to edit my Marilyn collection and just cycle it down to owning just a few items. The need to have more more more is just not what I’m about anymore. It’s not just with Marilyn things it’s with any form of materialistic things.

Having a lot of things doesn’t make me happy and you can’t find happiness in objects that may make you happy for a short time. You have to be happy within. I wish I realized this a while ago. But everything happens for a reason and it’s all about timing.

I now feel really good about cleaning out basically everything but the funny thing is, in the past it would be about cleaning out old to bring in the new only now it’s clean everything out. And not to bring in the new. Of course some items have to be replaced but that’s a little different then to just buy for the sake of buying.

Over all I feel like a different person now in how I view shopping, how I feel about  materialistic things as well my new need on not to over spend for the sake of spending. I feel no reason to own more than I need and I feel great about that.

L

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Downgrading My Belongings

I had bought a book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo as well as her second book called Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up. Which I’m currently reading via iBooks.

The fire lit something in me to switch I no longer feel the need to have many things as well  having excessive material items. This goes for everything from clothing to books to dishes I’m not using to having doubles of things or triple in some aspects. Also to  appreciate what I do have and if it doesn’t bring me joy to let go of it.

My plan is to live more simplistic and only keeping what I need and what brings me joy. Today I got together about ten books and went to a book store that will buy your books from you. It’s also a fun little cafe. I went with a bag and sold three books. I then went to a library a few doors down and asked if I could donate the books that remained in my bag. The lady was awesome and said sure no problem.

I held onto 9 books, two which are cook books, my burlesque hand book and six Marilyn books one being more of a coffee table book one biography of her, a costume book of her outfits and a double book I need to read. Most of the books I’m interested in reading are on iBooks.

Ive also sent an email off to the Ottawa Antique Market about my grand mother’s china. See if I can sell that. I’ve also got some Marilyn pictures up for sale as well as four pairs of pants and I already have buyers for the three bras I’m selling as well. I’ve managed to get rid of a lot of paper work that I don’t need to hold onto.

Also my closet is now filled with beautiful things that I love. I have one fleece sweater now instead of three. My underneath garment drawer is neatly done as in my sock drawer. The one thing I’ve learned is you don’t really need to have more to be content. Having multiples is pointless and we live in an age where if you need something it’s easy to buy. Because shopping is constantly shoved in our face. From store to online shopping to email news letters which I’ve also unsubscribed from.

Ive kept a total of four pairs of jeans. Two that I wear always which are the exact same style and color. I love how they fit me and look on me and when I wear them they give me joy. One pair of white distressed jeans I always wear in the summer. And a pair of straight leg that I have at my parents place for back up jeans for when I’m there.

I finally threw out unmatching socks. Tops that had stains on them from makeup that never washed out. Old vet bills that I held on too. Old crap that I never touched and burnt cds that I had from the early 2000s that I haven’t listened too in years. Honestly what the fuck am I holding on to stuff for. Serisouly iv I had only gotten rid of this shit when I moved into my apartment here would have been less trips lol. I also find it much more freeing to just purge. Owning so much Marilyn Monroe doesn’t make me happy it also doesn’t make me love her more. By having so much of her in my apartment. Having a few pieces is fine but having a lot just isn’t my thing.

They say everything happens for a reason and though the fire was traumatic it lit something inside of me. That I wish I knew about my self a while ago. For 2018 my birthday this year I don’t want anything from anyone if people want to get me a gift then they can donate their money to a charity of their choosing. And if we just spend time together then that means more to me. Having a shit ton of material things just isn’t what I’m about anymore. Being more mindful of what I spend my money on is my new motto and really surrounding my self with things that bring joy to me.

I also donated two throw blankets, They were only about 5$ each that I had got from Walmart when I first moved into my apartment. I have one turquoise one now which is faux fur which I love. A red fleece one and a purple flower one and my Marilyn Monroe.

My parents had got me a pink fleece robe a few years ago that I re gifted sorta to my mom which fits her perfectly. I never wear it so no point in keeping it. I also held on to this beautiful top that’s three sizes to big that I got in the States that’s been sitting in my closet for three years. Gave that away.

I don’t have emotional ties to things. I have memories and photos of things. I think at the end of the day if it’s not being used and it’s just taking up space get rid of it. You should see my closet like it looks more spacious and the amount of hangers I freed up. They are now in a container in the storage room.

The books I mentioned above have been really great to read and though I didn’t put all my clothing into one pile on the floor I did attack all of my clothing at once.

Going forward I will definitely be more mindful of what I buy. And only buying what I need. Having lots of things won’t ever make you happy. You have to be happy within your self. I wish I had this fire last year and the years before that.

When you know better you do better and if not then you learn to do better and that’s all you can do.

Over coming you’re fears

So the fire really has affected me more so then I thought. After removing and clearing out some of my things which has been good in many ways. I’m still sleeping with my curtains open which is kinda new and not really sure why I’m doing that but it’s my new thing. The stench is gone which has been great and my dreams are no longer messed up. Tuesday night I had to catch a bus and used the fire escape. I haven’t used it since the fire and though I had to go past the floor I saw the two fire men with the body. I honestly was so  focussed getting down the floors quickly it didn’t faze me. That floor does still stink and they have about three air filter thingys going.

I’m pretty amazed really that I was able to do that. Use that fire escape and sorta push that image out of my head. Each day is new and each day it gets better. But it also kinda fucked with my Christmas. I wasn’t my usual self. I didn’t really want to be around people. And I spent a decent amount of time in the guest room at my parents. I also didn’t ask much for Christmas. It’s pretty traumatic to experince something like that. I would not wish that on anyone.

I had amazing times this year by far, and some crappy experiences. I hope 2018 is filled with more amazing experiences and less crap.

Material Things Mean Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Things

What I learned this week was that the material things that I own mean nothing to me but the people in my life and my dog are of the up most important to me. And with in a split second everything that you think is important as the material becomes not important in the face of danger. The photos of you, family and your friends that you have on the wall or sitting on a shelf are no longer important in the sense if you have them online and they can be reprinted out. Or the sofa, clothing in your closet the pictures of art on the walls becomes not that meaningful anymore.

This past Tuesday I came home from a night of burlesque. Getting home at around 1am. Diva greeted me at the door as she usually does. Makeup was washed off and I fell asleep around 1:30am. I was not in a deep sleep when I heard the fire alarm go off. In the past it’s gone off with no real danger since people usual pull it. You become  accustomed to it. There was one other time of just a small kitchen fire which was two years ago. Anyways as diva and I lay in bed waiting for the noise to turn off. I started to smell a stench like smoke.

Realizing that it was more serious than thought. I threw on some socks grabbed a sweater. Called for diva to get off her bed, she was freaked out so I had to grab her. Got my phone, my keys, put on boots stuck a sweater on her and opened my apartment door. There was thick smoke in the hall. Not knowing what was going on I looked down the hall then went into the fire escape and started to work my way down the stairs. The stair well was also filled with smoke. It was hard to breathe, I tried to cover my mouth and nose with my sweater.

As we ascended down the smoke got thicker, by the 5th floor or so I saw two fire men carrying a very badly burnt body. I saw in shock and went to turn to go up a floor and they yelled out just bypass us and keep going down. To which I did. Once down to the first floor I ran towards the lobby to which I saw police and other firemen as well other residents.

At one point I went outside with Diva to get some air. My throat was very sore to swallow. The majority of us were told to wait in the lounge. We were not allowed to go back to our units till I’d say 4am. But for the residents that stayed in their units, over the intercom system ere told to stay put. They put the fire out apparently it took them 10-15 minutes.

One person died at the scene which was the person I had seen and there was another person who was checked out for smoke inhalation. But was okay. They are still investigating how it happened but it was an accident and apparently both people were sleeping at the time. But between you and me fires don’t just happen out of the blue.

When we were able to come back into our apartments. I had to wash diva’s face and neck and feet from the smoke making her fur grey. My apartment did smell and I slept with the windows cracked open. The smell is mostly gone but a small faint smell in my hall. There is still an odour in the hallway of my floor.

It sucks having something like this happen because it brought back feelings of that almost brake in I had in 2015. The uneasiness I felt came rushing back full tilt. I have asked the angels and my god mother to help me sleep these last few days and to remove the images from my mind as well have used meditation.

Last night was the first night this week where I’ve actually slept all the way through. This experience has made me realize what’s most important and it’s not having material things. I honestly want to get rid of a lot of my belongings. I just don’t see a reason to have as much as I do. Because at the end of the day. If something were to happen as if what if the fire had spread to everyone’s else’s apartments and such nothing material wise means anything to me but my dog.

I’m happy to report that the walls are cement and the fire was contained to only the one unit. But it still doesn’t change how I feel about my material items. They can always be replaced and when it comes to photos of fam & friends everything is online now and so if you printed them out they can be reprinted. And though I have collected a few amazing Marilyn pictures. In the case of a fire you grab the most important things. Maybe your purse with your cell phone your animal and that’s it!.

I’m seeing my shrink next week. Though I know she can’t fix anything in the sense of what happened to me. I have been calling on my god mother and the angels to help heal this and to make sure I feel safer and to look over me and let me sleep. Today was a better day then yesterday and tonight before I sleep I will ask again.

I really wish this didn’t happen and I wish I didn’t see what I saw. That’s why I keep asking the angels to erase it from my mind. I just need it gone.

Wednesday night I went and did burlesque, to get that experience out of my mind but then one of the burlesque performers did a fire routine and the smell just brought me back. I hope I can get over that smell so I can enjoy the fire acts again because they are mesmerizing to watch.

Also Diva has missed me so much, every time I have to leave Diva behind when I go out I feel bad. When I come home she lets me pick her up and she gives me kisses more so more now than before.

 

I know with time it will get better. I hope!

It just fucking sucks!

Bestfriends

As a child for me anyways, I always wanted a best friend. Someone to laugh with, cuddle in hard times. Call up just because and just generally have a ball with.

As I got older childhood friends disappeared and the so-called Best friend in Highschool turned their back on me. Again it was difficult getting close to people because I was one of those people who would wear their heart on their sleeve. I had to learn to get a harder shell which isn’t easy when you’re a super sensitive person.

I have had friends who I call best friends but I wasn’t theirs. They already had best friends before we became friends. Sure we are super close and I love them but I’m not their best friend. I first met my BFF at a mutual friends pride party. It’s funny because I already knew his boyfriend.

When we met we instantly clicked. Like it was just magic. We were inseparable for a long time and till we had one falling out. It seriously got me in my core that we were not friends. I missed him soooo much. I even cried because I missed him. We were disconnected for four years or so. But everything happens for a reason and you grow and you learn. I’m so thrilled now because we reconnected summer of 2016. And have had amazing heart to heart conversations. Made new amazing memories and even though time passed without being connected as soon as we reconnected it was like how we first met. Even though time passed us by it’s like time never stopped.

I think what is also super amazing is that we love each other as is. I wouldn’t change anything about him he’s truely an amazing guy and I’m so lucky to call him my BFF as I am his. I really do value friends as well friendships. And even though I dislike being single I am the luckiest lady because I do have amazing friends. That love me which is more important than having nothing at all.

Busy November

So this month is going by fairly quickly. I’ve finished two classes in Microsoft Word and Excel. Two classes in each program. Word is sure different then it was in Highschool and Excel was really interesting to learn. Also I celebrated my 38th birthday this past Sunday. Saturday I threw my self a party which I hosted in my home.

Laughed a bunch as well, I did end up drinking but nothing over the top and I had no hangover on my actual birthday. I’ve learned that I can drink responsibly. And there really is no need to go all out when I’m out with friends.

Also some amazing news I’ve landed another night club to start doing burlesque in. Besides my regular home that I perform at. I’m debuting at the same club I went to for Burlesque Idol. The great part about that is I already know the stage. At the end of the month I have two shows literally in the same week Nov 28th & 29th. I’m super excited about that plus I’ve been booked for a friends birthday show later in December. I also have some custom pasties being made for one of my acts.

I’ve also became friends with a few Photographers who are in the burlesque scene and that I’m super happy for since they have taken some amazing photos.

Today I went out and got a few items to get my Christmas routine put together. It’s going to be super cute and funny at the same time. Already have the song picked. Just need to work on the dance steps. My goal is to take a few classes in burlesque when I have the funds just to add to what I know.

Also something really fun my cupcake routine that I do. I had some advice given to me on how I end it to make it cuter. And I thought about doing what they said before but never went with it. And till last night which the crowd loved. So from now on I’ll be doing it always. I also slowed it down and added in a few fun things. I’m very proud of that performance.

So that is the latest of my November

Oh and my tree is already up

Steps to a healthier life

Admitting you have a problem to yourself is probably one of the hardest things. I usually never keep alcohol in my house. And yes sure there are times I can have one drink. But usually when I’m out and having a few drinks usually it comes to almost a binge drinking fit like it’s water and one after another is usually what happens. I’ve drank so much that I wake up the next day and don’t recall the whole night. Since I’ve been doing burlesque I usually will have a drink or two to get the nerves to go away. Not all the time but usually. Also when I drink I typically go all out. And then not again and till I’m out with friends in a bar or club setting.

I had my first drink when I was 13 or 14 years of age. When I was 16 and ran away from home over that summer. I drank every night while I was living with a friend. We hit up the clubs in Toronto. I’ve been so drunk in the past that I blacked out and don’t remember how I got home. I’m rather embarrassed about this, sharing this on my blog but after the last few days of Halloween parting and drinking way to much. Friday not remembering going for pizza with a friend. And then drinking again on Saturday and again last night at Burlesque. Alcoholism is in my family, my fathers mom my grandmother was a severe alcoholic.

Id rather nip this in the butt now before it gets way out of hand. I don’t really enjoy the taste of alcohol but after a few glasses I like it. Also lately it seems that every time I drink I get bruises. I already bruise easily but when I drink bruises show up all by them selves. And this last batch really are not that cute to look at.

I’ve quit smoking cigarettes been 6 years, I quit doing hard drugs been like 6 or 7 years, I’ve lost weight and kept that off, and now I need to quit drinking alcohol.

Id rather stop pickling my body and I sure as hell don’t need to have this problem.

Love yourself to live a healthy lifestyle

Wig Life LoL

So last weekend was Burlesque Festival here in Ottawa. The weather was all over the place but it was humid and did rain some. I decided instead of having some what frizzy unruly hair I’d rock a wig. I own such beautiful pieces I might as well wear them. You know years ago when I was dealing with Trichotillomania and having to wear them because of having to shave my head to hide the ugliness that was under them. I thought wearing wigs though I could change my style and color on a whim, we’re itchy at times, hot in the summer, and expensive.

Since over coming Trichotillomania and having a beautiful head of long hair, wearing wigs is fun to do now. I’ve been able to get a small amount of wigs that are as we would say in the hair world medical grade wigs and or high end synthetic wigs. I have one that is double mono top, single mono top, and a few lace front wigs. All well over $200 some closer to $300. And one wig that retails for like $499 which is completely hand-tied, lace front, mono top. I don’t wear it to often tho.

Anywho last weekend a neighbour said “wow you got your hair done” I was like “Yeah sure lol”, also one of the hosts at the festival thought my side cut wig was human hair. Nope just very well made synthetic. I think 🤔 high quality wigs should be in every woman’s  closet accessory. Two different days I rocked two different wig styles and colours. I mean costume wigs the cheap ones that don’t cost much are fine as well but if you want something reasonably realistic than fork out the cash for something higher quality.

DB5B76F2-FC46-4888-AE7A-5E7D71897C70

Some of my favourite online wig retailers are

Here in Canada

Canada Wig

 Gorgeous Hair Wigs

Happy Wigging it!.

What I’m Learning As An Artist 👨‍🎤

What I’m learning is that the people you hoped would support you in your craft such as close friends may not fully support you. But my burlesque friends that I wanted to be at the competition to support me were there which I’m super thankful for.

Last night was one of the biggest nights for me. Competing in a competition in front of four judges, two professional photographers and peers in the burlesque community as well in a club I’ve never been in and in front of a new audience. Was pretty huge and not one single person outside of the burlesque scene who I call friends could come and support me did in fact piss me off!.

What I’ve learned is that yes I’ll keep  promoting events that I’m in but I will stop at inviting people to them. If you choose to go cool, will be nice to see you but I refuse to put any more of my energy into inviting these so called friends to them.

I would prefer people just full on tell me they arnt interesting in going to things such as burlesque events. But to say your going to come then back out last minute is sorta a slap in my face.

Bitch rant over.

But as the title says what I am learning as an Artist. By doing this competition it’s made me realize I want to improve my craft. I believe I nailed my performance last night. I am very proud of it and the feed back I got from burlesque peers and friends and  audience members was all positive.

My experince overall last night was amazing. And I’m excited about the future in the burlesque scene. P.S. I’m Stage kittening in the Ottawa Burlesque Festival this weekend. Super excited to see some of my burlesque peers and the International headliners that will be at the festival. If your in town then I suggest you come check it out. You can go to their website here.

Over & Out

……Lights Camera Go

Little update its been about a minute or so since I’ve written anything of substance. Just haven’t felt like writing anything really. Samethings goes for YouTube in fact I’m taking a break from it. On to the news I do want to share. The job front is slow but things are moving at the rate they are supposed to. I’ll be taking a few classes on Microsoft Word as well Microsoft Excel. So I’m happy about that.

A friend of mine who’s a country singer asked me to be apart of his CD booklet alongside some other fabulous people so I said yes and I’m posing as my alter ego aka burlesque dancer. In fact it’s my 1950’s house wife look. I’m excited to see some of the photos they took.

Also I’ll be competing in Burlesque Idol next Wednesday and if I win than I’ll be able to perform on the main stage at Ottawa Burlesque Festival in one of the nights that’s happening next weekend. There will be four judges at Burlesque Idol so that’s not going to be nerve wracking  at all (smirk). I’ve been adding to my one costume with more feathers on the robe as well I bought all new rhinestones to use on the garter belt. I first ordered from British Columbia which are dmc but because they hadn’t come in I went to  Michaels Arts And Crafts Superstore and got some Swarovski Crystal Flatback Rhinestones in red. But then got a call this afternoon from my dad telling me the ones I had ordered from B.C. Came in which of course I’m thrilled about.

The garter belt is skirted so that’s where the rhinestones will be applied. I’ve already glued some of the red ones on it. And Sunday when I see my folks I’ll pick the other ones up and Monday I’ll finish rhinestoning. Tuesday I have a burlesque show that I typically perform at every two weeks. So my plan is to do the routine that I’ll be doing for burlesque Idol that night. In case some friends can’t make it out that night they get to see it regardless of what day they go too.

I’ve  also included in my bio for the hosts to read that I’m a member of the lgbtq community and a proud trans female. Who believes in being body positive and being proud of who you are. As far as I’m aware I’m the only trans female doing burlesque here in Ottawa. There are trans men who perform as well gender benders, drag kings and everyone else. But I thought if I was more visible than it might let other trans women know if I can do this they can too.

Since performing I’ve never spoke or included in my performer bio that I was trans. It was more like if people figure it out then who cares. Not that I want a light shining on me saying hey look at me. But in the same token the burlesque community has been so welcoming to me and I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to let people know trans women can be just as sensual and provocative as other performers. And give a fantastic show. My act is called Super Sexual and the song I perform to is Touch It by Ariana Grande. I love the song and I’ve performed it enough times now that the crowd loves it. I performed it in Carleton Place when I was there and they loved it. I was also lucky enough to have a bunch of photos taken of me from my last show at The Rainbow Bistro hey turned out amazing and the videographer that usually films the acts for us took photos instead that night.

The one thing that has been fun and interesting at the same time is seeing how the this Act has been added to and changed in the sense of costuming and hair. When I started it I was wearing a long curly grey wig. But it gave me headaches. Then I switched to curling my hair. And now it’s using my Jon Renau Clip Ponytail. I’ve taken the clip out and just use the combs and big bobbie pins to keep it in place over top of my bun. I never lose the curls and I only have to curl my bangs.

Also I’ve added a red hair flower. I added more rhinestones to it for added sparkle. I wish I had the budget like Dita Von Teese as far as rhinestones go but as a friend pointed out “for someone who’s just beginning you’re not doing so bad your self”. That was comforting. Anywho this has been a shit ton of fun and honestly it’s funny but many moons ago in my past life I had hit the stage as a performer of a kind and really didn’t make much of a name for my self. But since doing burlesque I have finally got some where as a performer and it feels awesome.

I also know to stay far away from the drama as possible. I dislike drama and don’t want it in my life and I’ve cut people out who are about it. So I’m trilled about performing in Burlesque Idol and I think it would be so cool to win, I’m not gonna sit here and not say I’d like to. But being able to compete  along side of some burlesque friends of mine who are also new in it is a pleasure and I’m excited to see their acts as well.

I do also want to mention that I’ll be stage kittening at Ottawa Burlesque Festival I did say I would volunteer all three nights, there will be International performers there as well local artists. And as a bonus being able to volunteer I get to see the show for free. So that’s a nice perk though I’ll be on my toes all night running back and forth. I’ve learned to wear flats from the last time I was a kitten at a burlesque show. So there you have it lots going on with that.

I’m working on a special Halloween burlesque act as well and have been making the costume. Some of the rhinestones I ordered from B.C. are for this costume too.

As for my dating life. I don’t currently have one. No boyfriends. Though a friend of mine and I tried to see each other but in the end the timing just wasn’t right he’s got to much on his plate and the poem I wrote about Crossing Paths is about him. Since we have known each other which has been well over ten years the timing has just never been right. However our friendship is quite strong so I’m happy we have that at least. And I love him 😍 and always will. Sometimes friendships are more valuable than having nothing at all.

Oh one more thing. I won’t be using semi dyes anymore after using the Dark Vibrant Auburn color and it permanently dying most of my hair but washed out the ends. I think maybe some of those glosses may work or may not I’m confused about them. I did use a dark gloss to cover the red bits.

But I think going forward I’ll just use permanent dye and call it a day and or go to a salon and have them do it for me periodically. At the moment tho I’m leaving the color it is alone. I’m still doing my scalps massages with coconut oil lol.

So there you have it my most up to date post.