Tinker Bell

You always think your closest friends will be around for a long time and then you find out that one of them is sick with a terminal illness. The reality that they wont be around for a long time then sinks in and you realize life is short.

I had the pleasure of spending some much needed time with a friend this past weekend. I have known him for around 13 years but it seems way longer than that. He is someone who fully supported me from the get go. When I met him he was loud and I thought obnoxious lol but he has the best personality and he’s a super fun loving guy.

He is a one in a million and when I found out he had stage 3 lupus I was torn to say the least. He was putting on a fundraising event as well it was a celebration of life party. He asked me if I would come and be a part of it and right away I said yes.

I spent time with his family as well friends. I performed burlesque beside the drag performers that are also his friends. We raised a bunch of money for Lupus Canada as well for him. We laughed, we cried, we took selfies like they were going out of style hehe.

It was probably one of the best weekends I’ve had as well hardest weekends. You just don’t think you will out live any of your friends.

One of his favourite Disney characters is Tinker Bell hes loved her since I met him. Well as a memorial I decided to use the money I was paid towards a tattoo of her with his initials in his favourite colour purple also he is a drag performer and so I put his drag name initials as well.

I love all the colours and how its water coloured she turned out really beautiful.

I love my friends and they mean the world to be so when his time comes and I lose him ill always have a reminder. The good thing is he’s not gone yet! and so my plan is to spend more time with him.

True friends last a life time.

Pride Parades & The Police


Since pride month started the beginning of June we all have seen articles and or petitions not having police be apart of said Parades. People are hellbent over what they have done to lgbtq 🏳️‍🌈 people and of lgbtq people of colour. And yet there have never been as far as I’m aware of anything bad happening to lgbtq people at Pride. From my own experience I’ve never had issues with police my self being a trans woman. I’ve also never heard of any stories of police causing problems at any of the pride Parades I’ve been too.

Since Black Lives Matter showed up last year at Toronto’s Pride Parade everyone now is thinking twice about police being at pride. I think it’s BS. Everyone now has issues over everything. Police at pride, the rainbow flag, it’s a damn rainbow people!!!. The Canadian anthem, what the fuck is next the freedom of free speech.

I fully understand what police have done to people in the past but I’ve never once not felt safe at pride and for me I feel safer having the police at pride. I think the police should be at all prides. Everyone looks at the bad and the negativity from the news.  But nobody talks about all the good police have done. I had an almost brake in in 2015. I had not just one police officer show up but I had three. They were all amazing men who showed me kindness and were extremely respectful and polite and they cared about my well being. I’ve never had issues at Pride or with police in general.

Of course I’m fully aware that there are bad cops out there just as there are bad people in General. But I think it’s it’s completely unfair to remove people who are supposed to protect us from bad people. I’m sorry that so many people are upset about what experiences they may have gone through. But when is it enough???.

What is amazing to me. Is that because people are up in knots about it, now so many people are wanting the removal of police at pride. There are many lgbtq police 👮 officers and they should be proud to be who they are as well be proud to be police officers. And to be apart of Pride.

Personally this is what I feel if you don’t like something at Pride then don’t look or go. Be responsible at Pride, dress appropriately, and don’t cause others harm or get to wasted. And be respectful. From all the prides I’ve been too there has never been once any issues between lgbtq and the police. But you do hear about issues at other Parades that are not lgbtq 🏳️‍🌈 but you don’t hear about that do you nope.

I’m fully aware of what BLM stands for. And I respect what they are doing. But seriously why can’t pride just be about pride. Why can’t it just be all about love. I will never know what it’s like to be black not in my current life time. But I do know what it’s like to be trans and to be judged and ridiculed. I personally think that anyone who harms another human being when they are of Authority should be punished. And not lightly!!!.

From all the news stories I’ve heard over the last few years from the States to Canada it’s made me sick that people of authority could do such tasteless acts. Those police officers need better training and if they are racist people then they not need to be police officers. I don’t think guns are great, people who have a police badge don’t have a right to shoot at people with no weapons who are not causing harm.

There is so much wrong in all aspects.

Do I think the delivery of groups who want to protest and or make aware what they are speaking for could be better yes. But I don’t think removing police from a parade is the answer.

Not all police are bad. And we need to remember this. If anything I hate hearing about bad news stories usually they don’t post the good stories that do happen every single fucking day.

This Is is just my two cents, That’s it I’m done !!!!

Junes Life Update

IMG_6659

Wow a lot has happened this year. Ended four friendships this year. Two that always seems to have a pattern but I’m pretty sure they are finished and I’m perfectly okay with that. The other one was just a shit show of bs. And the third isn’t worth speaking about.

One thing I have come to realize is this Negativity has no place in my life. I of course know that sometimes bad or unfortunate things happen but keeping negative people in your life is not good for yourself. Life is way to short to keep those people around.  I have also learned that some people come into your life for a reason for a lesson to be learned and once they leave hopefully you won’t make the mistake twice.

I am also super thrilled with the burlesque I have been doing. I’m still doing it and it’s a ton of fun. I’ve managed to go out and see some burlesque not as much as I’d like to with funds being slightly limited at the moment but that will soon change.

And on that note 📝 I’m currently working with a service provider that will be helping me with getting back into the work force. Everything from resume to possible work related upgrades to getting me into actually working. I have my set goals of where and what I want to do. So I’m thrilled for this next stage of my life.

I’m at a place where even my thought process is different and I have life goals of what I want for my self everything from working to my own personal self. And on that I’ll discuss my new love affair which is yoga. Im no longer obsessed with high intensity training. Though I know I can go to it at any given time. I’m just enjoying doing yoga and being more relaxed.

Health related,  I was getting these itchy spots. And I wasn’t sure what they were so I went to the doctor and he sent me for blood work. I mean he checked everything 7 viles of blood later. Everything came back perfectly fine he believes it’s bug bites. I seem to be having reactions to the bug bites. Where they are fairly round and they itch for days there red and yucky. I still asked to see a dermatologist just to be in the safe side.

I’m super thrilled to still be off all dating apps and sites. Do I miss it not really.  Some of the attention but 98% not really. So much bs with that whole world and let’s face it the free dating apps and sites is where the bs is at. I’m sure if I stayed on match.com and got my three months worth when I paid the $50 maybe I would have met someone but I just didn’t have the  patience at that time.

My hair growth is really coming along. I still haven’t been to a hair dresser since sometime last year. Ever since I learned how to do micro trimming my hair is super healthy. That and not using much heat on it has really helped. I also dye it less and if I do it’s with the glosses. Though since the sun has been out and my gloss has been fading my natural colour has been shining and it’s really pretty. If and when I gloss again I think I’ll go for something not as dark as dark golden brown and maybe go for medium golden brown.

My bangs have really grown out since I cut those Betty Bangs. I have to say though they were cute for a while but they were a bitch to style constantly. Bangs for the most part are a lot of upkeep depending on the ones you have.

My current hair which I took yesterday.

IMG_6983

Did something a little different with it then I normally do. I like how it turned out. It’s almost as long as when I wear my Brandi Wig by Amore. Which I’m freaking thrilled about. I’ve been doing my micro trimming about every three months or so. And of course the coconut oil treatments though I have been lacking on them some because I find they brake down my nails some what. But I do still do them when I remember too. The one thing I dislike about having long hair is washing it. That’s pretty much it though. I’m still amazed with how long it is.

Nothing beats having your own hair and not boiling in the summer time wearing a wig. I don’t care what anyone says but wigs are hot in the summer doesn’t matter if it’s Machine made or hand tied when it’s 35 with humidity a wig is a wig is a hot ass wig.

Also being able to say I’ve over come Trichotillomania is extremely gratifying. I never thought I’d ever be able to over come it, so to say that I have is an amazing feeling. It helps that dealing with stress and anxiety in a different matter also is helpful. Behaviour therapy does work, changing your habits and having techniques at hand helped me and the need and want to have my own hair. Behaviour therapy works. I did it on my own using turban hats for hair loss and the desire and want to have my own hair. Having the will power was stronger and writing your feelings down. Sure I had a few slip ups but not beating your self up over them is key.

Also other cool news I met a wonderful new friend his name is Drake Jensen and he is a country singer here in Ottawa. I was to do that hosting gig on New Years. And he was one of the performers. But because I didn’t do that Party Drake and I did end up meeting a few months ago for coffee. And he’s a really awesome guy. Really cool down to earth person. And his voice it’s lovely to listen too.

Diva is doing fairly well. She’s on new food she’s no longer on senior dog food. From all the resources I’ve read about senior dog food is a stupid marketing gimmick. Dogs need all the nutrition they can get when they are older and senior dog food usually has less. Which in turns is not great for older dogs.

Anyways she’s doing quite well on this new food and there really isn’t any bad reviews on this dog food. I feed her ACTR1UM Holistic Small Breed Adult Dog Food from Walmart. At the moment only the Canadian Walmart sells it. But she like it and I’m a happy pet parent. She’s hitting 10years old in August I’m throwing her a party at my parents with gourmet dog treats and maybe even a dog edible cake we shall see lol.

So far the summer is going okay. I bought my train ticket to Montreal. One of my best friends lives between Ottawa and there and wanted me to come up for Pride there. I’ve never gone to MTL in the summer. So I’m excited for that trip. It’s gonna be hella fun.

So that’s pretty much it.

Punctuality, Being Late & Appointmentments

At yesterday’s therapy appointment I had asked about why she was 12 minutes late and how it seems to be an ongoing thing. It was more out of a curiosity. Her response was simple, straight forward and honest.

“If I need to take the time to recharge between appointments then I come first, not you but me. Sometimes I need to meditate or just zone out for a few so I’m more focused and present”

Then the conversation mainly was about how I view people when it comes to people who are late and how it affects me and how I think in a small way its like a disrespectful thing to be late. Ive always been tought that you should be 15 minutes early for appointments, job interviews and what not.

Manners and respect.

I told her,

“I’m usually never late and if I will be late then I call to say I will be”

She had said

“That’s no way to live to never be late, You should allow your self to be at times.”

I don’t think it’s about not allowing my self to be obviously life happens but I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be on time. Do I know that people will be late and not show the same manners as me Yes, Do I agree with expletive having no manners No. Do I get over it Yes. Does it bother me Yes but again do I get over it of course.

Because you can’t control what other people do. And not everyone has the same manners or respect for others as I.

She had mentioned,

“When you start working you will have other personalities as well view points and people who don’t follow time as you might or have the same manners as you, more often than not you will most likely get annoyed. And then what will you do?.

My response was,

I’ve learned that not everyone is like me. Not everyone is on time. They may not have the same manners or have ever been told its good to be 15 minutes early. Patience is what I’m learning and I’m also learning that some people just aren’t on time.

Sometimes I find with my therapist we go around in Circles when there is other things id like to get out and discuss. She did apologies for doing that. But I have to say that gets under my skin I wont lie. Its like okay lady lets move on now.

Its likely it can only be spoke about and till its dead. It reminds me of this one therapist I had when I was little. Her name was Carol. Something happened to me that was quite dramatic which I wont discuss here but I didn’t want to speak about it and every session I had with this lady she would bring up this particular topic. I left every session hating her even more.

I don’t feel that way about the one I see now. But it can get repetitive and some what annoying when you try to change topics and shes still on the one.

As I told her before we stopped, “There was other things I wanted to discuss”. Ah well as they saying goes “Shit Happens”. You eventually get over it.

I know that people don’t think the way I do, They don’t believe in the same things as I do when it comes to appointments and or time. And at the end of the day has nothing to do with me. It has to do with how they were tought and raised.

And even though sometimes I feel like they are disrespecting me it really has nothing to do with me in the end. Doctors are late its like in their schooling or something lmao, Dentists are late, Buses are late & in general people are just late. Will I get over it yes, Will it bother me maybe a little. I mean fuck there are worst things in life than this.

Do I think people could have better manners of course. But “Such Is Life” as they say.

Hugs L

Laptops 💻

So my laptop 💻 finally met its death. Yesterday I wiped it clean twice, it just wasn’t updating its fire wall or anything let alone updating windows. This morning I took it to Staples for them to recycle ♻️. It’s over ten years old had already had a battery replacement and it gets super hot now.

I signed it over and kissed it goodbye okay not totally but was like  bye-bye Felicia. While I was there I took a look at the new models of laptops and what I found was 98% of them didn’t have a disc insert. I guess that’s anew thing?.

I did keep the laptop case as well the adapter that plugs into the machine just in case the new one I get at some point fits it but I can always get rid of it in case it doesn’t.

So glad computer stores have recycling ♻️ programs. Less crap in landfills.

Over & Out

Ground Hog Day LOL

It seems to be a repeated pattern at least once a year I get annoyed at social media as well some of the people I call friends that never call or message me / text me on Facebook.

I know this because Facebook will show me memories from years past. Thanks Facebook for the reminder lol. I wonder why people  behave like that. What blows me away is if you don’t reach out you will probably never hear from your friends.

Its like if I died tomorrow minus the small select few that I know would care would any of the other people who are supposedly my friends notice? I’m writing this not in a depressed mood more like in a curious wonder mood.

It’s like if we are friends why am I always the one reaching out?, your fingers aren’t broken are they? You can call me or respond to my messages if I left you one on your wall. It seems like nobody really pays much attention to messenger. I feel like I need to write on their walls if I want to speak to people which is kinda sad and pathetic.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Let me know in the comments

 

Piano & Curls

One of my friends who is a extremely talented piano player put together an event last night where he preformed some of his own songs as well other tunes. It was held at his work. He played on a Yamaha Grand Piano. It was a good turnout and some really beautiful songs. As well as this piece he wrote for his wedding. He’s exceptional and plays really beautifully. You know where you hear music and it’s like you’re in heaven. Some of the pieces he played last night was like that just bright white light. I’ve always loved piano music.

This is one of my favourite pieces of his. If you subscribe to his channel I’m sure his performance from last night will be uploaded soon.

I decided to get my hair all glammed up and it was my first time wearing out my flip-in hair extension that I made. It has monofilament wire doubled. And I sewed the two quad wefts together to make one piece. As you see below. It’s a 18 inch and 15 inch together to make a layered piece.

I couldn’t resist not rocking it. And after a little while I forgot it was on my head. Though at first I was afraid it was going to come off with the wind. But by my surprise it stayed put and till I removed it when I got home.

My whole look really came together and the dark brown really pops with the white jean jacket. I felt like a million bucks but super comfy and casual. Also side note that Marilyn tank. Last year when I got it it would drop down to low when I walked and showed way more cleavage than I wanted so I removed about an inch of fabric and then re stitched it and now it sits perfectly.

It was a nice relaxing evening with friends and then I came home had two glasses of wine before I fell asleep watching tv lol.

Toxic Friendships Aren’t Healthy

Over the years I’ve had issues with one particular person who happens to be a Gemini. We have had great moments and not so great moments. Well we finally reconnected and till it went sour once again. What amazes me is she never owns her faults. It’s always someone else’s problem and or issue but it’s never her problem.

This last disagreement was my final straw and I sent her a text saying I wanted a break not to end the friendship but a break. Because it was just getting out of hand and I was quite frankly sick of her being so negative.

She responded a few moments ago with this.

( I totally understand , but I think its best if we just go our own way, too be honest I think our friendship has run it course , your starting too be the way u used too be and like I said if it started again iam out☺ I hope u find the inner peace in side ur self ware u can keep too what u say, and acutely grow take care and all the best)

When she speaks of (If it started again she’s out) I flipped out on her years ago because she got on my last nerve. And I yelled at her over the phone. This was five years or more.

However in my last text to her all I said was “I don’t care if you think or don’t think if I can get a job in an office or with the government”. It’s like why can’t we support each other.

My response to her text was this:

(Funny thing if anything I’ve changed and your still the same person as you were before.

You need to own your life and you don’t. You need to enjoy it to the max, do what you say and say what you do by going back to school or get the job you want. You have been speaking about all of that for well over 5 years.

I do agree though that our friendship has run its course.

I wish you the most success in your life. I wish you well and take care of your self. Sending love and light your way.)

The old me would have said “Go fuck yourself” but the new me can’t be bothered plus I really do hope she turns her life around.

This is a person I used to look up to. She at one point worked two jobs she was highly motivated and got shit done when she said it. Now all she does is sit at home smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and smoking pot like it’s running out of style. She’s not motivated to do anything. She speaks of winning the lotto and pipe dreaming of what she dreams of.

Shes constantly will talk about the fighting she does with both her parents who have both had heart attacks. She’s extremely negative the majority of the time I’m ever on the phone with her, and 98% of the time I bite my tongue because it’s just not worth fighting with her.

And she will decline when one of our mutual friends invites her out saying she just wants to save her money and work on her self. Not all the time but she will decline most the time. I’m always working on my self as I’m sure most people do but they also live their life.

What ive realized is this. People walk into your life they stick around either for a short time or a long time and then they leave. Usually it’s for a learning lesson. Though it would have been nice for the friendship to stay. I’m okay with that one ending. She lives in the past very much so. Speaking of how popular she was and speaking how things were the reality is. I’ve already lived my past, my future is what I’m excited for.

When we had reconnected and I told her I live on my own now she was surprised saying how she didn’t think I’d last 6 months. It’s like why do I need to prove to anyone that I can do things. I remember being told by a bunch of negative people back in my 20’s when I spoke about living my authentic self and them all saying “Your never gonna be a female or look like one or whatever just stay living as you are now” I really wish I had my finger tattoos then to tell them to go fuck off. Now it’s like I’m living my life for me but whatever life happens and it’s like look at me now.

But back to the story at hand. Sure not everyone is going to have a good day which I accept but for the extreme cases of toxic people show them the curb and get rid of them you don’t need those toxic people in your life.

Over & Out