Trying To Figure This All Out

If you were to have asked me last year, how would you feel if your dog died? I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. Since her passing a lot has come forth onto my plate. Yesterday I pretty much binged watched the second season of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix and it brought a lot of emotions and feelings to the surface. Once again as did the first season when I watched that last year. The only difference is that Diva was alive then.

I’m also currently reading The Power Of Now

I’m just trying to figure this all out as best as I can. I’m hoping to get some clarity. A better understanding of everything. I’m trying to live each day as best as I can. And live in the Now.

Over the weekend I went to a beautiful church with some friends. They had holy water upon entering as well as candles you could light for a fee. The church is called Notre-Dame Cathedral Basilica. It’s a historic building that began in 1841 and is the largest and oldest standing church in the nations capital, It’s also Roman Catholic.

I decided to go this morning for some meditation. Maybe to talk in my head to something higher than me. Just something to help with everything.

Before going though I made the decision to first go to The Canadian Cancer Society to donate six wigs. I’ve held onto three medical grade high quality wigs. That I really love. And three costume type wigs as I call them for burlesque. The six wigs I donated, three of them were high quality medical grade wigs, mono part, hand tied and lace front, the other three were just regular wigs.

After I left there I went to the church. Upon entering I did the holy water. And went and found a spot. I did a little preying and some meditation then I went and lit a candle and went back to meditation.

After leaving I started to notice a lot of people were looking at me on the street it was really weird. Maybe it was the vibes I was giving off. I’m not totally sure to be honest but it was a tad strange. My plan is to go there more often to meditate. Today someone was playing the organ it was really beautiful.

So yeah just trying to figure this all out.

As best as I can.

Because that’s all I can do right!




The Deepest Corner Of My Thoughts

I wonder why I was born, why I was put on this earth, what the reason was on why I had to come back to earth what lessons did I need to learn. What is the story behind everything?. And why do I need to stay?. If I died tomorrow would I come back and live another shitty life?. Sure this life has had some happy moments, some amazing times. But for the most part it really hasn’t been all that great. What is my purpose? And why must each day pass but stay the same?.

I wish I chose a different path, that the story was someone else’s. That I was reborn in another time in another body. My deepest thoughts nobody really knows. I just keep going but not because I want to. Because people depend on me. I know if tomorrow didn’t come I I didn’t wake up. My family would be destroyed, my best friend would be pissed. And people would wonder why. I seem like a good person with my life some what together.

A happy go lucky girl. But the reality is the fucking reality is that I wish I wasn’t here anymore. They say suicide is being selfish, this is what I was told back when I used a kitchen knife to end everything. I was going through a very bad depression. I didn’t have a dog at the time. My friends circle was tiny. And I wasn’t happy! I thought by not being here I would no longer be a burden on anyone that’s how it’s not selfish as well making the unbearable pain stop within.

Ive been told that people are proud of me. I’ve come a long way but do you know how hard it is to hear this when you still feel like a loser. Social media is destroying everyone. Everyone’s  posts the perfect parts of them selves. Everyone has an opinion on everything . I still miss the guy I fell inlove with when I was 16. But it wasn’t really real because I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. And he fell inlove with someone who wasn’t being their  authentic self.

I used to wonder if UFOs were real but then I saw some in the sky once. At first I thought they were stars but then they shifted and moved in unison. So I know were not alone in this world. But it doesn’t change how I feel about what my story is supposed to be. Why was I put back on earth, what is the real reason why I’m back here?.

I used to think the reason was to teach people about being trans but now there are so many versions and stories and sides that I no longer know what my reason is.

Ever since I can remember I knew I was different. And when I knew this I just wanted a guy who I was attracted to love me for me. Sadly I met everyone who was wrong for me. They had different reasons for being with me. How I view my self is much different then how people view me. I don’t want to be sexually active with anyone unless I’m really dating them. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be committed to one person. And loving them on every level. I missed out on prom and even the lgbt one I went to as a teen I felt out of place. I’ve always felt out of place with the people I’ve ever been surrounded with. It’s like I’m the chick with mental problems and if people really knew who I was they would turn the other way and walk away. I guess I feel like that because I’m so used to it.

Its extremely difficult to change the mind pattern when that’s all you have ever known. Being bullied a shit ton. From kindergarten to public school to high school to even beauty school. Having child issues as a child and wanting to talk about it but feeling like you couldn’t. Being molested as a child on multiple occasions isn’t a great feeling. To not respecting your body to not caring. When you feel like you’re damaged goods. And nobody will ever get it or you just don’t care about what you do.

As I sit here and write these flowing thoughts as a single 38 years old trans woman. Truly feeling alone because her dog died of almost 11 years. Her soulmate was taken by cancer and I feel totally alone and tho I have my family and my best friend and a few others I can count on one hand. The rest are acquaintances. People I see sometimes some I’ve never met and though people say but you’re not alone others feel how your feeling. If this was the case then why do I always have to reach out to people?. Why do I have to care so much and why do I have to value friendships as mush as I do when it takes 50/50 for them to work not 90/10%. Everyday it’s all the same bullshit. Like, Comment, Post!

Social media is ruining society. But at the same time who would people be without it. You would have to talk to people you sit on the bus with. To ask the time if you didn’t wear a watch. Payphones or far and in between so good luck finding a clock. If you didn’t have a cell phone. If social media didn’t exist, you would have to call your friends or text them to see how they were. You couldn’t see their status. Or what things they saw on vacation there would be no photos. You couldn’t see where they were at every given time.

I’m done with men using me. I’m done with people abusing me. I’m done with bullshit and people who are fake. And I’m done with people who are not my true friends or have the best intentions. And I’m done with people who don’t value me as who I am. I’m done with bullshit. And I’m done with bad vibes.

Over this last month I’ve realized something. That I hate living by my self but I’d rather be by my self then be with someone who didn’t really love me for me and had my best intentions. That valued me as the woman that I am.

When Diva was alive she loved me for me. No man I don’t think ever did. Not that I’m aware of. They liked the idea. For whatever their reason. But who I am nope. I’m not talking about my bestfriend or close friends. But Diva was truely one of a kind. And she knew me better than any man ever did.

I wish I was with Diva right now!

Disclaimer: this in no way is a cry for help. Just some random thoughts feeling and emotions.

Not Dealing With This Shit Again!

Honestly I’m fed up! One of the main reasons I stopped using dating apps was the bullshit. Since not using them in months I’ve been stress free of it all.

Last year a friend of mine a guy I have a long history with wanted to start spending time with me. His ex and him had recently split. It was fine at first but then he couldn’t make any real  commitments. So I said let’s just not do anything and remain friends since that is more important to me.

Check the video for all what’s been going down. Then leave your comments down blow and let me know what you 🤔 think?


Minimalism, Consumerism & Fast Fashion

I’m pretty much done with downsizing my belongings. What I’ve learned tho is you don’t have to own nothing to be a minimalist.

Now with consumerism and fast fashion. I’ve bought things that would be considered fast fashion but I’ve held on to items for years that are still stylish and look good. I guess I would say I’m a smart shopper.

The top above is new bought at Fairweathers. It didn’t cost a ton but it looks great and I can wear it like that or off the shoulders. It would look great with white skinny jeans, white shorts, jean shorts, jeans & skirts.

I don’t really buy much in the line of cloths anymore. I do think tho sometimes you have to replace items like foot wear,  undergarments, and that sort of thing. So when I do decide to buy a piece of clothing I’m more picky as to what it is. I do own pieces that I don’t believe are fast fashion. I’ve never really been one who bought things that were overly trendy or what’s in every season.

If I like a piece and I like how it fits then that’s what makes me want to buy it. Like the top above is a size large, when I went to the store originally I tried a size Medium and it wasn’t fitting right and I put it back. But when I went back a week later they had a large and it fit great.

I would say my style has evolved, and I’d condsider to have some style more so now than before. I love the pieces I own and I really have to love something now before I purchase.

I do find it hard to go to malls or shops and want to buy things I don’t need from being a shopaholic before. So I limit my self from going. I will only really go now if I need something. Which is now more rare which is good.

I used to use shopping to fill a void and or fill a gap but then as soon as I bought it the high would then in turn to feeling bad about what I had bought.

What I’ll do now is really think about it. And if I don’t love it. It doesn’t come home with me. And I’ve passed up many things.

When it comes to home decor. I’ve also down sized a lot of things. But I’m done decluttering. My storage room I can walk into now which is awesome. Even nail polish I’ve down sized. Owning 30 bottles of nail polish but you only ever wear a few colours it’s kinda pointless plus it does go bad after a while so make sure to clean out. Which is what I did or gave away.

Anyways. I’m much more into being smart with what I spend my money on as well because I’m limiting my spending.  I’m actually saving money and I’m not completely strapped for cash like I was.

Yay me!

Postpartum Depression & Grief

After seeing my therapist yesterday she said that I’m currently going through postpartum depression only with this new puppy that I had got, even though I didn’t give birth to her I’m going through the emotions. And the loss of Diva has really effected me deeply. She asked how I felt and I said numb. She had said “That’s just the beginning stages of grief”. My moods are up and down. Some days I cry and other days I don’t. Some days I’m in better moods and some days I’m not.

I wish I was in love with this new puppy but I’m just not there. I feel guilty for feeling this way and I feel bad for feeling guilty it’s a fucked up way. Some days I feel like I’m going crazy with all of it. My parents are going to look after Coco for me. She’s gotten attached to them as well their dogs.

Even though everyone said I should get her and talked my self into it. It was just to soon. I wasn’t and still am not ready. And I don’t know when I will be to be honest. Some people can just snap back into it. But I’m just not that type.

Diva was my soul mate and was everything to me. She was there when no one else was. And I’m still devastated that’s she’s gone.

I wish I was in love with Coco but I’m just not! I like her a lot but in my head it’s like but she’s not my dog. It’s a very surreal feeling. And ever where I look at my parents house or mine I think but Diva was just here. And poof she’s gone. One minute and the next no more.

Miss You Diva🐾

Having A Rough Time

Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. You try and put on a happy face. You say your okay when your not and you try to go back to a routine. Then you get a new puppy and bam. Your still not okay. I don’t feel that connected to this new dog. I feel guilty for feeling this way. But it’s how I feel.

Also spending the time I have at my parents house I’ve missed. When your so used to living with people and then you live just by yourself it’s a huge difference.

It’s also extremely lonely living by yourself. If I don’t reach out to people first, typically I will never hear from anyone. And honestly it fucking sucks.

Except my best friend and a few friends. Everyone else it’s me having to reach out to them first. I’ve also kinda lost interest in burlesque.

I miss Diva immensely like a part of my heart died with her. I just think life sucks right now. People say be strong it will get better. But like really will it really get better?. My apartment building is bullshit!. The apartment itself is great the layout is awesome where it’s at isn’t. All the trauma I’ve experienced hasn’t gone away and since Diva passed everything just sucks right now!.

That’s how I honestly feel. Also the dating pool is crap. My employment services I was using they suck. Not that I’m in any mental shape to be working right now anyways but. I feel lost that’s how I feel. I feel lost, I’m eternally broken and I throw on a smile and say I’m okay so I don’t burden people with my crap.

I know tomorrow is a new day and positive thinking is blah blah blah but I’m not doing well!.

New YouTube Channel Name

Honestly it’s gone in such a different direction that it just is more fitting to have a new name that’s more fun and is much more me. It’s called Lana & Pawz 🐾

I mean it’s me and my dogs channel. And when Coco comes home it will be her and I. When Diva was alive it was her and I as well. So might as well rename the channel to be more fitting.

Also my instagram account is under @LanaNPawz

So if you want to check that out your more then welcome.

When Your Emotions Are Scattered

First let me say this, I’m happy to be bringing home a new baby girl to love and take care of. But the waiting is what’s killing me. I know I have to wait a little longer to bring Coco home.

Coco, has she ever grown in a week.

I have anxiety I’ve had it for years. I’ve also had depression off and on for years as well. Diva helped me emotionally and physically. A dog can do so much for a human in more ways than just unconditional love.

Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. I’m seeing my family doctor April 4th to go back on to antidepressants. Not just because of Diva’s passing. Other things that are going on that I don’t care to discuss here. And then seeing my therapist April 5th which will be a much needed appointment.

Yesterday was a difficult day and today was pretty dark. I canceled performing burlesque tonight and quite frankly I just don’t want to be around anyone. I’ve tried going for walks to clear my head it hasn’t worked. Every time I go for a walk the memories are of walking diva on that same path comes up. I’ve done yoga to clear my head and it hasn’t worked. I’ve done meditation and that hasn’t helped. Nothing fucking helps.

I feel like I’m going crazy. One minute I’m smiling the next I’m crying. I wake up to say good morning to her and when I go to bed I say goodnight, when I leave the house or when I return I say be right back thinking it’s going to some how comfort me or make me feel better but it doesn’t. Nothing I do makes the pain better.

I miss Diva everyday

My parents have been so amazing letting me come to their house to crash for a few days here and there. Some how I have more comfort at there house. Maybe because I sleep in the bed diva was last on her final day. Or maybe because they have dogs I can cuddle or maybe it’s because they are here. Or maybe it’s all three things. But every time I leave my apartment to then come back to it it’s empty.

Coco is different then Diva in some ways such as size, coat, colouring, and will have her own big personality. I’ll be able to bring Coco with me to more places because of her size and the carrier I have as well she will be my therapy dog.

But my current emotional  state is not well and I need extra help. To help me through these difficult times because between you and I.

I can’t do it alone!

How Are You Doing? They Ask

Some days are okay, other days it sucks. It’s amazing how some people are insensitive. It’s amazing how my depression is kinda coming back since Diva passed. I know by having this new puppy will bring some joy back into my life. I’m taking the month of April off from doing burlesque so I can focus on this puppy and to train her and get into a new routine. My last show is tomorrow night. Then I’ll be performing next May 5th.

Also my mood is meh. I’ve been going for walks thinking it’s gonna clear my head but it doesn’t it just brings up memories of walking diva or just her in general. I have to say after she died I wanted to go with her. To say I’m doing okay is an understatement. I have moments of enjoyment but then I have to return to my apartment and that’s the difficult thing. Returning to an empty house. It will be one full month Wednesday that she left. I miss her so much it hurts.

Am I upset yup. Am I depressed I’d say so. Am I happy not really. Losing Diva the way I did was super sad. If she didn’t get cancer she would have lived a long time this I know. It just sucks that she’s not here with me.

Sleeping is difficult, I hate going to bed alone. Not having a dog is extremely difficult and my anxiety is coming back as well. Two more weeks and I will be busy with a new pup as well routine. This whole non routine business isn’t my thing at all.

I hate it!