I wonder why I was born, why I was put on this earth, what the reason was on why I had to come back to earth what lessons did I need to learn. What is the story behind everything?. And why do I need to stay?. If I died tomorrow would I come back and live another shitty life?. Sure this life has had some happy moments, some amazing times. But for the most part it really hasn’t been all that great. What is my purpose? And why must each day pass but stay the same?.
I wish I chose a different path, that the story was someone else’s. That I was reborn in another time in another body. My deepest thoughts nobody really knows. I just keep going but not because I want to. Because people depend on me. I know if tomorrow didn’t come I I didn’t wake up. My family would be destroyed, my best friend would be pissed. And people would wonder why. I seem like a good person with my life some what together.
A happy go lucky girl. But the reality is the fucking reality is that I wish I wasn’t here anymore. They say suicide is being selfish, this is what I was told back when I used a kitchen knife to end everything. I was going through a very bad depression. I didn’t have a dog at the time. My friends circle was tiny. And I wasn’t happy! I thought by not being here I would no longer be a burden on anyone that’s how it’s not selfish as well making the unbearable pain stop within.
Ive been told that people are proud of me. I’ve come a long way but do you know how hard it is to hear this when you still feel like a loser. Social media is destroying everyone. Everyone’s posts the perfect parts of them selves. Everyone has an opinion on everything . I still miss the guy I fell inlove with when I was 16. But it wasn’t really real because I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. And he fell inlove with someone who wasn’t being their authentic self.
I used to wonder if UFOs were real but then I saw some in the sky once. At first I thought they were stars but then they shifted and moved in unison. So I know were not alone in this world. But it doesn’t change how I feel about what my story is supposed to be. Why was I put back on earth, what is the real reason why I’m back here?.
I used to think the reason was to teach people about being trans but now there are so many versions and stories and sides that I no longer know what my reason is.
Ever since I can remember I knew I was different. And when I knew this I just wanted a guy who I was attracted to love me for me. Sadly I met everyone who was wrong for me. They had different reasons for being with me. How I view my self is much different then how people view me. I don’t want to be sexually active with anyone unless I’m really dating them. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be committed to one person. And loving them on every level. I missed out on prom and even the lgbt one I went to as a teen I felt out of place. I’ve always felt out of place with the people I’ve ever been surrounded with. It’s like I’m the chick with mental problems and if people really knew who I was they would turn the other way and walk away. I guess I feel like that because I’m so used to it.
Its extremely difficult to change the mind pattern when that’s all you have ever known. Being bullied a shit ton. From kindergarten to public school to high school to even beauty school. Having child issues as a child and wanting to talk about it but feeling like you couldn’t. Being molested as a child on multiple occasions isn’t a great feeling. To not respecting your body to not caring. When you feel like you’re damaged goods. And nobody will ever get it or you just don’t care about what you do.
As I sit here and write these flowing thoughts as a single 38 years old trans woman. Truly feeling alone because her dog died of almost 11 years. Her soulmate was taken by cancer and I feel totally alone and tho I have my family and my best friend and a few others I can count on one hand. The rest are acquaintances. People I see sometimes some I’ve never met and though people say but you’re not alone others feel how your feeling. If this was the case then why do I always have to reach out to people?. Why do I have to care so much and why do I have to value friendships as mush as I do when it takes 50/50 for them to work not 90/10%. Everyday it’s all the same bullshit. Like, Comment, Post!
Social media is ruining society. But at the same time who would people be without it. You would have to talk to people you sit on the bus with. To ask the time if you didn’t wear a watch. Payphones or far and in between so good luck finding a clock. If you didn’t have a cell phone. If social media didn’t exist, you would have to call your friends or text them to see how they were. You couldn’t see their status. Or what things they saw on vacation there would be no photos. You couldn’t see where they were at every given time.
I’m done with men using me. I’m done with people abusing me. I’m done with bullshit and people who are fake. And I’m done with people who are not my true friends or have the best intentions. And I’m done with people who don’t value me as who I am. I’m done with bullshit. And I’m done with bad vibes.
Over this last month I’ve realized something. That I hate living by my self but I’d rather be by my self then be with someone who didn’t really love me for me and had my best intentions. That valued me as the woman that I am.
When Diva was alive she loved me for me. No man I don’t think ever did. Not that I’m aware of. They liked the idea. For whatever their reason. But who I am nope. I’m not talking about my bestfriend or close friends. But Diva was truely one of a kind. And she knew me better than any man ever did.
I wish I was with Diva right now!
Disclaimer: this in no way is a cry for help. Just some random thoughts feeling and emotions.