So Christmas Eve I worked just an early morning shift then my father came and picked me up. We played monopoly which I won at, it was quite fun. I went to bed early because I was tired. My sleep wasn’t the greatest because I had two dogs sleep with me. I had my door open a crack so they could come and go. If it was closed I would have had Sophie scratch at it which she does if it’s closed. She’s a King Charles Spaniel very adorable. Whenever I sleep over at my parents house I never get a fully sound sleep.
Anyways the morning came my brother and his gf came over we ate brunch then to open gifts and do the stocking stuffers. Then they left to come back later in the day to do family photos. We also had a family friend and her husband come for dinner. After dinner I bribed my brother to drive me home for $20 for gas.
This Christmas has been difficult because it’s the first one without my beloved dog Diva. Leading up to the day I wasn’t looking forward to at all. I was done being social and putting on a fake smile at my parents place. And once I got home and was settled I just had a crying fit. For a good three minutes or so I’d say. Tears and snot and calling out for her saying I missed her so.
I know it doesn’t change the outcome but sometimes you just have to let it out. I found this year to be very energy draining. I enjoy my job and that is also very energy draining when I get home I’m not wanting to be very social. I knew going into this holiday season it was going to be different. I just didn’t know to what degree.
I’m hoping next year it becomes easier. I know with the holidays it can be energy draining for many people. But when you spend so many events and holidays and everything together with your animal. Those upcoming dates become dreadful. My best friends birthday is Feb 28th and I know his day is joyful but it’s also the same day Diva passed in my arms. So it’s going to be difficult another year older for him and a full year Divas been gone. Dare I say bitter sweet. I know she was sick and there was no way she would have gotten better and I know she’s in a better place. I’m just having a difficult time right now. The joys of loss NOT!.
First let me say this, I’m happy to be bringing home a new baby girl to love and take care of. But the waiting is what’s killing me. I know I have to wait a little longer to bring Coco home.
I have anxiety I’ve had it for years. I’ve also had depression off and on for years as well. Diva helped me emotionally and physically. A dog can do so much for a human in more ways than just unconditional love.
Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. I’m seeing my family doctor April 4th to go back on to antidepressants. Not just because of Diva’s passing. Other things that are going on that I don’t care to discuss here. And then seeing my therapist April 5th which will be a much needed appointment.
Yesterday was a difficult day and today was pretty dark. I canceled performing burlesque tonight and quite frankly I just don’t want to be around anyone. I’ve tried going for walks to clear my head it hasn’t worked. Every time I go for a walk the memories are of walking diva on that same path comes up. I’ve done yoga to clear my head and it hasn’t worked. I’ve done meditation and that hasn’t helped. Nothing fucking helps.
I feel like I’m going crazy. One minute I’m smiling the next I’m crying. I wake up to say good morning to her and when I go to bed I say goodnight, when I leave the house or when I return I say be right back thinking it’s going to some how comfort me or make me feel better but it doesn’t. Nothing I do makes the pain better.
My parents have been so amazing letting me come to their house to crash for a few days here and there. Some how I have more comfort at there house. Maybe because I sleep in the bed diva was last on her final day. Or maybe because they have dogs I can cuddle or maybe it’s because they are here. Or maybe it’s all three things. But every time I leave my apartment to then come back to it it’s empty.
Coco is different then Diva in some ways such as size, coat, colouring, and will have her own big personality. I’ll be able to bring Coco with me to more places because of her size and the carrier I have as well she will be my therapy dog.
But my current emotional state is not well and I need extra help. To help me through these difficult times because between you and I.