When Your Emotions Are Scattered

First let me say this, I’m happy to be bringing home a new baby girl to love and take care of. But the waiting is what’s killing me. I know I have to wait a little longer to bring Coco home.

Coco, has she ever grown in a week.

I have anxiety I’ve had it for years. I’ve also had depression off and on for years as well. Diva helped me emotionally and physically. A dog can do so much for a human in more ways than just unconditional love.

Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. I’m seeing my family doctor April 4th to go back on to antidepressants. Not just because of Diva’s passing. Other things that are going on that I don’t care to discuss here. And then seeing my therapist April 5th which will be a much needed appointment.

Yesterday was a difficult day and today was pretty dark. I canceled performing burlesque tonight and quite frankly I just don’t want to be around anyone. I’ve tried going for walks to clear my head it hasn’t worked. Every time I go for a walk the memories are of walking diva on that same path comes up. I’ve done yoga to clear my head and it hasn’t worked. I’ve done meditation and that hasn’t helped. Nothing fucking helps.

I feel like I’m going crazy. One minute I’m smiling the next I’m crying. I wake up to say good morning to her and when I go to bed I say goodnight, when I leave the house or when I return I say be right back thinking it’s going to some how comfort me or make me feel better but it doesn’t. Nothing I do makes the pain better.

I miss Diva everyday

My parents have been so amazing letting me come to their house to crash for a few days here and there. Some how I have more comfort at there house. Maybe because I sleep in the bed diva was last on her final day. Or maybe because they have dogs I can cuddle or maybe it’s because they are here. Or maybe it’s all three things. But every time I leave my apartment to then come back to it it’s empty.

Coco is different then Diva in some ways such as size, coat, colouring, and will have her own big personality. I’ll be able to bring Coco with me to more places because of her size and the carrier I have as well she will be my therapy dog.

But my current emotional  state is not well and I need extra help. To help me through these difficult times because between you and I.

I can’t do it alone!