I think of Diva daily. I’ll re watch my old YouTube videos just to see her. I’m able to smile and think of the good memories we had together. I’m not crying as much as I was. This month of May really is my first one back at my apartment full-time. Except for this weekend as I’m house / dog sitting for my parents.
I’ve read a bunch on grieving and there’s no set time limit and there are many feelings and emotions a person can feel after losing a pet especially if they were your only companion which she was the last three years. Living in my apartment together.
I try not to think about when she got cancer, and have been trying to just focus on the past good times because we had more of those then bad. I’ve started to workout again at least twice a week is my goal. Last week as far as that goes went well. I’m back doing burlesque which is a nice distraction. I’m able to sleep pretty well. I do still talk to her and ask every night if she will visit me in my dreams. I don’t know if she does because when I do fall sleep Im out cold till I wake up. I do find it hard to be at my parents house sometimes because that’s where she was last. But it’s getting better.
Somedays are obviously going to be better than others. It’s werid to see past memories Facebook shows me of Diva and think she was just here. Laying in a dog bed or my old room or even in my apartment like I can see it clear as day in my memory but then look over and she’s not there. That’s the surreal part!.
Also Coco has been living with my parents. I had her the first week when she was 6 weeks and she’s been at my parents living fulltime every since. She been well taken care of and they love her including their dogs. As of right now she’s their dog. Getting her wasn’t the best plan nor was it the right time for me.
In my head she just isn’t my dog. Not right now and I don’t know if she will be down the road. Only time will be able to tell. My heart is still 💔 broken. I’m trying to just work this all out as best as I can. My parents say it’s taking me longer because I’m more sensitive but really there is no set time on when one person can move on because everyone is different. This is what I have read. It’s like losing a child or a parent or what have you. One person will do it differently from the next.
Diva has made her self known to me this past month a few times. That was really nice to hear her. I don’t feel it much at my parents house maybe because her ashes aren’t there or maybe because she just wants me to hear her.
It has been nice though and I have slowly started to enjoy my apartment without all the dog things. You can see my bed spread and no dog toys scattered all over the place. I also don’t feel bad about feeling that way as I first did. I’m also feeling less guilty about letting her go to the other side. She was sick and would have just become worse over time.
I guess one of the reasons it’s taking longer for me is because I was already dealing with other shit in therapy and then this was just icing on the cake. It’s also true under the hard shell I’ve built up I’m a sensitive softy. Where I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now it’s under layers of protective spikes. I try and stay strong as best as I can because I dislike showing my weakness. But when I do it all comes to the surface.
Have I felt suicidal thoughts yes, do I wish sometimes I wasn’t here most definitely is it all because of Diva no. My life has just been difficult and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. And say to hell with all of it.
But the reality is if I did any of that and ended things years ago or even now then I wouldn’t have experienced everything that I have or will experience in the coming days / months or years. That even though a lot of crap has happened a lot of good has also happened like getting Diva. If I had been successful with ending things before getting her then I would have never felt the deep love and appreciation for her. Nor would I have met my bestfriend Pierre. Got into Burlesque and all the other amazing memories I’ve experienced and will experience moving forward.
I know everything happens for a reason, sometimes we know what they are and other times we don’t. But I hope this will make me become a stronger person.