Becoming Stronger!

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I think of Diva daily. I’ll re watch my old YouTube videos just to see her. I’m able to smile and think of the good memories we had together. I’m not crying as much as I was. This month of May really is my first one back at my apartment full-time. Except for this weekend as I’m house / dog sitting for my parents.

I’ve read a bunch on grieving and there’s no set time limit and there are many feelings and emotions a person can feel after losing a pet especially if they were your only companion which she was the last three years. Living in my apartment together.

I try not to think about when she got cancer, and have been trying to just focus on the past good times because we had more of those then bad. I’ve started to workout again at least twice a week is my goal. Last week as far as that goes went well. I’m back doing burlesque which is a nice distraction. I’m able to sleep pretty well. I do still talk to her and ask every night if she will visit me in my dreams. I don’t know if she does because when I do fall sleep Im out cold till I wake up. I do find it hard to be at my parents house sometimes because that’s where she was last. But it’s getting better.

Somedays are obviously going to be better than others. It’s werid to see past memories Facebook shows me of Diva and think she was just here. Laying in a dog bed or my old room or even in my apartment like I can see it clear as day in my memory but then look over and she’s not there. That’s the surreal part!.

Also Coco has been living with my parents. I had her the first week when she was 6 weeks and she’s been at my parents living fulltime every since. She been well taken care of and they love her including their dogs. As of right now she’s their dog. Getting her wasn’t the best plan nor was it the right time for me.

In my head she just isn’t my dog. Not right now and I don’t know if she will be down the road. Only time will be able to tell. My heart is still 💔 broken. I’m trying to just work this all out as best as I can. My parents say it’s taking me longer because I’m more sensitive but really there is no set time on when one person can move on because everyone is different. This is what I have read. It’s like losing a child or a parent or what have you. One person will do it differently from the next.

Diva has made her self known to me this past month a few times. That was really nice to hear her. I don’t feel it much at my parents house maybe because her ashes aren’t there or maybe because she just wants me to hear her.

It has been nice though and I have slowly started to enjoy my apartment without all the dog things. You can see my bed spread and no dog toys scattered all over the place. I also don’t feel bad about feeling that way as I first did. I’m also feeling less guilty about letting her go to the other side. She was sick and would have just become worse over time.

I guess one of the reasons it’s taking longer for me is because I was already dealing with other shit in therapy and then this was just icing on the cake. It’s also true under the hard shell I’ve built up I’m a sensitive softy. Where I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now it’s under layers of protective spikes. I try and stay strong as best as I can because I dislike showing my weakness. But when I do it all comes to the surface.

Have I felt suicidal thoughts yes, do I wish sometimes I wasn’t here most definitely is it all because of Diva no. My life has just been difficult and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. And say to hell with all of it.

But the reality is if I did any of that and ended things years ago or even now then I wouldn’t have experienced everything that I have or will experience in the coming days / months or years. That even though a lot of crap has happened a lot of good has also happened like getting Diva. If I had been successful with ending things before getting her then I would have never felt the deep love and  appreciation for her. Nor would I have met my bestfriend Pierre. Got into Burlesque and all the other amazing memories I’ve experienced and will experience moving forward.

I know everything happens for a reason, sometimes we know what they are and other times we don’t. But I hope this will make me become a stronger person.

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The Deepest Corner Of My Thoughts

I wonder why I was born, why I was put on this earth, what the reason was on why I had to come back to earth what lessons did I need to learn. What is the story behind everything?. And why do I need to stay?. If I died tomorrow would I come back and live another shitty life?. Sure this life has had some happy moments, some amazing times. But for the most part it really hasn’t been all that great. What is my purpose? And why must each day pass but stay the same?.

I wish I chose a different path, that the story was someone else’s. That I was reborn in another time in another body. My deepest thoughts nobody really knows. I just keep going but not because I want to. Because people depend on me. I know if tomorrow didn’t come I I didn’t wake up. My family would be destroyed, my best friend would be pissed. And people would wonder why. I seem like a good person with my life some what together.

A happy go lucky girl. But the reality is the fucking reality is that I wish I wasn’t here anymore. They say suicide is being selfish, this is what I was told back when I used a kitchen knife to end everything. I was going through a very bad depression. I didn’t have a dog at the time. My friends circle was tiny. And I wasn’t happy! I thought by not being here I would no longer be a burden on anyone that’s how it’s not selfish as well making the unbearable pain stop within.

Ive been told that people are proud of me. I’ve come a long way but do you know how hard it is to hear this when you still feel like a loser. Social media is destroying everyone. Everyone’s  posts the perfect parts of them selves. Everyone has an opinion on everything . I still miss the guy I fell inlove with when I was 16. But it wasn’t really real because I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. And he fell inlove with someone who wasn’t being their  authentic self.

I used to wonder if UFOs were real but then I saw some in the sky once. At first I thought they were stars but then they shifted and moved in unison. So I know were not alone in this world. But it doesn’t change how I feel about what my story is supposed to be. Why was I put back on earth, what is the real reason why I’m back here?.

I used to think the reason was to teach people about being trans but now there are so many versions and stories and sides that I no longer know what my reason is.

Ever since I can remember I knew I was different. And when I knew this I just wanted a guy who I was attracted to love me for me. Sadly I met everyone who was wrong for me. They had different reasons for being with me. How I view my self is much different then how people view me. I don’t want to be sexually active with anyone unless I’m really dating them. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be committed to one person. And loving them on every level. I missed out on prom and even the lgbt one I went to as a teen I felt out of place. I’ve always felt out of place with the people I’ve ever been surrounded with. It’s like I’m the chick with mental problems and if people really knew who I was they would turn the other way and walk away. I guess I feel like that because I’m so used to it.

Its extremely difficult to change the mind pattern when that’s all you have ever known. Being bullied a shit ton. From kindergarten to public school to high school to even beauty school. Having child issues as a child and wanting to talk about it but feeling like you couldn’t. Being molested as a child on multiple occasions isn’t a great feeling. To not respecting your body to not caring. When you feel like you’re damaged goods. And nobody will ever get it or you just don’t care about what you do.

As I sit here and write these flowing thoughts as a single 38 years old trans woman. Truly feeling alone because her dog died of almost 11 years. Her soulmate was taken by cancer and I feel totally alone and tho I have my family and my best friend and a few others I can count on one hand. The rest are acquaintances. People I see sometimes some I’ve never met and though people say but you’re not alone others feel how your feeling. If this was the case then why do I always have to reach out to people?. Why do I have to care so much and why do I have to value friendships as mush as I do when it takes 50/50 for them to work not 90/10%. Everyday it’s all the same bullshit. Like, Comment, Post!

Social media is ruining society. But at the same time who would people be without it. You would have to talk to people you sit on the bus with. To ask the time if you didn’t wear a watch. Payphones or far and in between so good luck finding a clock. If you didn’t have a cell phone. If social media didn’t exist, you would have to call your friends or text them to see how they were. You couldn’t see their status. Or what things they saw on vacation there would be no photos. You couldn’t see where they were at every given time.

I’m done with men using me. I’m done with people abusing me. I’m done with bullshit and people who are fake. And I’m done with people who are not my true friends or have the best intentions. And I’m done with people who don’t value me as who I am. I’m done with bullshit. And I’m done with bad vibes.

Over this last month I’ve realized something. That I hate living by my self but I’d rather be by my self then be with someone who didn’t really love me for me and had my best intentions. That valued me as the woman that I am.

When Diva was alive she loved me for me. No man I don’t think ever did. Not that I’m aware of. They liked the idea. For whatever their reason. But who I am nope. I’m not talking about my bestfriend or close friends. But Diva was truely one of a kind. And she knew me better than any man ever did.

I wish I was with Diva right now!

Disclaimer: this in no way is a cry for help. Just some random thoughts feeling and emotions.

The Story Of Diva

After a bunch of personal issues. I really wanted my own dog. We have had family dogs over the years. At the time my mom had her dog. My brother had his and I really wanted my own. I went looking on Kijiji which is an ad based website.

The ad basically said 8month old Pomchi, looking to rehome her because of moving and can’t bring her. Comes with leash, Blanket, food and litter box.

Diva was litter box trained lol.

On May 3rd 2008 my father and I drove to go get her. There was still some snow on the grounds. The boyfriend invited us in. His girlfriend didn’t want to be there because she was attached to her. Diva looked at me and I looked at her and it was love at first sight. I picked her up in my arms and she settled right in. She was around 11lbs so she was a good weight.

Little did we know she had a tinkling problem. Her blatter would just empty out. It wasn’t a nervous habit. She didn’t even know she would let urin out. It was a minor flaw the owners didn’t mention. The vets we had taken her to at the time said they could try  surgery but it wouldn’t  necessarily fix the issue. Over the course in the beginning we tried everything from antibiotics to hormones nothing would fix the problem but the older she got the less of a mess she would make. She would get butt baths for the rest of her life just to make the area clean.

When I got her her name was Daisy personally I didn’t think it fit her personality and before that it was Spritzer. Not sure what they were thinking when they called her that. To me she looked like a Diva. She really was a Diva in every sense of the word.

Like I said she was litter box trained but then as she got taller her butt would hang over the side of it so I had to use potty pads next too it. Then I just started using them instead of the litter box. And then eventually she went outside and did her business with the other dogs in the backyard.

She grew up with a Cocker Spaniel named Duchess and a Pittbull named Addie.

Her and Addie became literally best friends. They were pretty much inseparable, always wanting to be together. If my brother took Addie for a walk Diva would cry. They played hard and they slept together a lot.

Diva was pretty easy to train, tricks were easy. I taught her how to walk off leash. Sit,stay & come. She was the most amazing dog ever. She never had any real health problems and till later in life.

She used to get car sick as a puppy and would vomit every time we took a car ride. So I’d have to bring a garbage bag with me just in case. Thankfully she grew out of it after a while lol.

I remember one time my brother and I went to the river. And his and my dog would go swimming. She loved that. Though I did have to bath her when we got home. I was lucky because Diva really didn’t mind getting bathed or even butt bathed and I’d use the blow dryer on her and she really didn’t mind. Plus she would get treats after so it was a win win.

Sadly tho later on a bunch of years later. My parents dog would have to go to Rainbow Bridge because of old age and a very high heart murmur she was almost 16years old. R.I.P..

Dutchess had moved with us from Pickering to Ottawa. She wasn’t a huge fan of Diva who would never let her play with toys and most the time either Diva would take them or Addie did.

Unfortunately a year or two passed tho my memory isn’t the greatest on exactly when but my brothers dog became very ill and had to join Dutchess. It was one of the worst days ever. R.I.P.

Diva was a tad lost for a while without Addie she knew she wasn’t feeling well. As time went on she then became the Queen of the house. She was pretty content playing with all the toys. After a while my parents wanted to get another dog. So they did, a little cute bundle of joy named Sophie. A King Charles Cavalier Spaniel.

How cute was she as a puppy. I fell in love with her right away. Like how could you not. Diva and her became the best of friends.

Then my parents got a second dog named Sasha she is a CavaPoo so a cross of a King Charles Cavalier and a Toy Poodle.

Diva wasn’t a huge fan of the new puppy, but she did eventually put up with her just enough that they would get a long, though more on Divas terms. And it had to be Diva’s idea to start the play other wise it just wasn’t going to happen.

Also before Diva was shaved down to her lioness cut & her alopecia kicked in. Her full fluffy fur coat looked like this. It was just gorgeous and super soft,

Here she is with her lioness cut

So because of her tinkling problem she ended up getting these red sores on her backend. Because her fur was so thick and long it was hard to keep the area dry. And instead of listening to my mother to just have her back area trimmed. I had her cut all over. Her fur did grow back though it took a long time.

And then her fur became thin. Her tail never grew back fully and she developed alopecia. Her fur did thin out all over. And her tail was pretty sad looking. Her and I ended up moving to an apartment and we would visit my parents house every weekend. Honestly there really isn’t many dogs around and I think she got a bit depressed. Except when I took her to the park to play. As you see above in that photo. She loved playing in the park and run off leash. She had the best smile ever!

Diva has been with me for almost 11 years. She’s been through brake ups,  surgeries, moves, a fire, amazing times and memories.

She was one in a million❤️🐾

R.I.P. My sweet baby girl

🐾Aug 24th 2007 – Feb 28th 2018🐾

 

 

 

Small Health Update On Diva

Finally took her to the vet yesterday. They took some samples from her paw and sent them in for further testing. So we will finally find out what exactly is going on. The vet didn’t detect a heart murmur and said sometimes depending on how they breath can make their heart beat differently so at this rate I’m confused on if she does or doesn’t have one because I’ve now heard three different things.

Also her breath may stink a touch because she’s got a loose tooth. But having it removed I can’t afford at this moment. It’s not bothering her so it can fall out by it’s self at this rate. I had also bought a new Victorian collar from the vet that was fitted for her. The vet said to keep her paw dry and bandaged for two days then to clean it and rebandage it.

But I went out last night and when I returned home what do you think she managed to do. ripped into the toe removed the insides of the pad and yeah. So here’s me at 1:25am having to reclean and bandage the damn thing. I was livid! To say the least. They need to make those collars so they can’t get at any of their paws period!

No idea what I’m gonna do about her. Seriously 😳 it bothers me! Anyways that was not something I wanted to come home too.

I’ll find out in 7 to 10 days what’s up with her results and then will then figure it out from there. Update will follow when I know what’s going on.

 

Diva Update

Well as she gets older she gets to deal with aging fun stuff. The last post was last July. She is now 10 years of age. Her poop issue was 99% likely because of the trash incident. We have since learned about that. Moving forward she had a spat of a vaginitis. Cleared that up but also she had a cyst between her toes front left paw. Surgery is out of the question because they can multiply the vet said and surgery and her age just isn’t a good mix.

So we have been doing epsom salt soaks for her as well cleaning it with peroxide and then using polysporin. The hard part is getting her not to chew at her paw when I’m out. I have Vet Wrap for when I go out to wrap her paw as well dog socks which are cotton with little grips for when I’m home. It was getting better but then last night I had tried a dog sock and vet wrap around and she’s managed to remove the sock. So tonight when I go out it will just be the vet wrap. I prey she leaves it alone.

Other than that she’s doing well.

Updates Updates Updates

So I’ll start with my sleeping, last week I spoke to my therapist about my sleeping habits with what’s going on with me sleeping with the curtains open. It seems to be a coping mechanism. So that night I decided to close them to see what would happen. Guess what nothing happened except I slept like a rock.

What did happen though is this. I missed seeing the light come into my room. So what did I do Friday night slept with them open. It turns out I’m over the fire. It’s basically like this it was traumatic. But I’m fine 🙂. At any given time, some fucktard can set their apartment on fire and I just have to deal with the fact that it may happen again.

Things can and will happen it’s just coping with them that can either change you for the positive or the negative. Only you are in control of that.

Update on the job front.

Basically I had a meeting today with my service provider and we have come to the decision for me to get into retail. Retail I know I can do and if training needs to take place then I’m all for it. I’m open to clothing, home accessories, body products, cosmetics to adult stores. I’ve had zero luck with office jobs and no interviews. So the next step is a position in retail. With maybe government at some point. I need to be working and making a pay check and right now that’s not happening. And with the increase with minimum wage now is a perfect time as any. I already have a good sleeping schedule and if feeding diva needs to change to suit my work schedule then so be it. I’m shooting for part time first to get back into the swing of things and then work up to full time.

I’m at a point now with my anxiety that I manage it a lot better then I have before and I believe Burlesque has helped me with that. Of course there will always be things that may. make it pop up here and there’s but I’ll be damned to let it take over. I believe I’m different then I was seven years ago. And if need be I have better coping mechanisms then I did then. So there is that as well.

Diva Update

She has this stupid cyst between her toes on her left front paw. It’s gross but I’ve been reading on how to clean it with Epson salts and peroxide and then antibiotic ointment. Surgery is out of the question because she could get more. And I refuse to put her on antibiotics that effect her immune system poor girl will be 11years old this August. Other wise she’s healthy.

My Health Update

Doing well weight is still at a perfect weight 165.5lbs. My size 2s are still perfect. My workout I quit doing because I do so much walking. I’ve started doing yoga again but only once a week. Again just to keep limber but not to over do things. Since cutting 95% of gluten from my diet there has been zero rashes or hives. I eat pita 🥙 bread and regular pizza. Gluten free pasta only. As well gluten free cereal. My hair is growing at a rapid rate which I’m loving of course.

My Burlesque Update

Things are going well I’ve had a few weeks off. So I’ve been able to fix one of my costumes. I’ve been putting together a brand new routine it’s called Spirit and I’ll be debuting it in Feb so I’m rather excited about that. I bought these beautiful silk veil fans. And I’ve been quite obsessed with them. I literally have bought two more piece to add to the costume and have bought some less expensive rhinestones to add to the two new pieces as well the top and bottom of the costume. But I did order and already apply some  exquisite swarovski stones to the bra and panty set.

Ive also applied to a burlesque festival that’s happening in May. I find out end of this month. I also plan to apply to one here in Ottawa. I hope to apply with my new act. But we shall see. Other wise I’m performing next week and in Feb.

I also almost forgot I did a photo shoot a week ago and we got some truly beautiful shots. This is just one of many.

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Dating Update

Rejoined Tinder, went on one coffee date. Wasn’t stellar. But have been talking to a few people. We shall see. Don’t have high expectations. Best way to be.

That’s all

Over & Out

My Bad Dream

I seem to always have it

Every time she leaves

But once I get her back

I feel at total ease

Shes been through everything

All my ups and downs

Shes been by my side

When I’m feeling down

I love her more than words can say

I think I’d feel lost without her

If she ever went astray

There s nothing more powerful

Than the bond between

Owner & Pooch

But every time she’s away from me

I get bad dreams

They are always about her leaving my side

Getting loose

Getting sick

Eventually passing away

It makes me sad

It makes me speak in my sleep

Once I wake I feel at total ease

When I see her fast asleep

I love her more than words can say

My Bad Dream

By

Lana Poulson

Divas Latest Health Update

So miss Diva was due for her annual checkup but she also had some blood in her stool last week. I also thought she had a mass in her left side near her hip joint.

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The scoop, the mass is a over developed muscle so not a mass at all. Her anal glands were super full so much so it was dark brown paste. The vet emptied them. Her heart rate is normal nothing has changed with the murmur. She has arthritis in her right leg higher up nothing to crazy tho.

The vet recommended she eat cooked plain beef and white rice for a few days to see if The mucus poop goes normal. There hasn’t been much blood since and it’s not a ton nor is it everyday. But a few small meals of the beef and rice a day.

She did get into that trash two weeks ago when I was out doing burlesque. So we think it might be something she consumed.

Over all shes healthy besides this small issue.

PS her 10th birthday is coming up next month.

FIRST Aid?

Remember when I spoke about Mr Badoo? Well we had spoken a few times since the last time I wrote about him off an on nothing huge. Usually he would send me a message on Facebook or text to tell me how he missed me. But then we stopped talking last year and I removed his number out of my phone. Unlike most people but I’m not a number collector lmao.

Yesterday I got a text.

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Then I’m on Facebook and noticed he sent me a message over there which was in the other folder. So I told him “look I said lose my number, leave me alone”. I then went on to say “I find it funny you send me a message out of the blue basically asking for money. Get a life”. However he did listen because I think he blocked my messages because the second message didn’t send.

I’m so over that whole dating world. One of my girl friends asked me “but don’t you want a boyfriend” it’s like yeah but I don’t have to find him online. I wish people would just lose my number get rid of it. When it’s gone south or it didn’t work with us why hold onto the number? And guys who have girlfriends who still bother you even afterwards it’s like fuck off. I don’t need you thanks. Liars, cheaters, douchbags, morons,dickheads, uneducated pricks

FUCKOFF!!!!!!

Believe it or not but we are not waiting by our phones waiting for that text or email or phone call to come through. We pick our selves up dust our shoulders off and we move the fuck on with our lives smarter, stronger and wiser.

I would rather be single and alone with family and friends then keep putting up with the same shit!. I know there are decent people out there and yea sure maybe there is a few decent people online but I know for sure there isn’t many. I’m totally excited for the future for next week and for the weeks to come. With not being online looking for love ❤️ I’m actually focusing on my self and am living life to the fullest like taking my self on movie dates and not having share the pop 🌽  corn with anyone lol.

Or spending time with friends whether it be in person or over the phone. Working on my burlesque, spending time with family, my dog, working out, cooking, cleaning my apartment going to my social meet-ups and other things that people do when they are single staying active and busy.

When you spend less time with the world of online dating or no time as I have been doing you actually enjoy life. Online dating to me is a hassle having to explain to people the same record player shit. Because hardly anyone reads the profile. They see your photo and instantly sends a message. Or you end up asking why they can’t post a photo of their face or why don’t they have a photo without sunglasses 😎.

It’s always the same crap 💩 but a different pile but usually with the same results. But if you remove your self from that world 🌎 you relies there is much to enjoy out there. Like seeing an art  exhibit at a museum like I did last year. Or taking a nice long walk and enjoying a neighbourhood with cute shops.

Would it be nice to enjoy it with someone of course but I refuse to deal with all the shit online dating has. And sure dating isn’t perfect but the online world I know now isn’t for me. I even went as far as deleting emails with saved passwords to get rid of them for good. Yes I did delete the accounts and if I couldn’t delete the account  I deactivated them.  But if it works for you congratulations!!!.

Over & Out

Dear Readers

Of Facebook, Google, WordPress and how ever else you find my blog. I’m writing to you for the simple fact of a huge thankyou for taking time out of your life to read my stories and memories and whatever else I have on my brain. I’m going to be taking a short break from blogging. Mainly because I’m sorta tapped out. I don’t have any huge things to write about. And so I need to just enjoy life and when I decide to come back well you will see a post. At the moment things are great. Diva seems to be doing a lot better and she has no new crazy spots which I’m thankful for. Her energy level is what it is and I’m sure it’s because of her age, it’s hard to realize because I was so used to her being a high energy dog. She definitely has her moments of it but being at my parents house the last two weeks even with her being around the other dogs she’s not full force of energy. She will play for five minutes or so then stop playing. Also the weather has been all over the place. Anywho she’s doing as good as one can be. And crazy she will be ten years old come August 24th. Where has the time gone?.

I’ve lost a few pounds so I’m thrilled about that. Hair is growing out nicely and life is pretty good right now. With that here is a fun chit-chat video I posted to my YT channel last week. I hope everyone is doing well and talk soon but not to soon.